Today I Struggled

I struggled a lot today.  I struggled with having a page on Facebook that opens me up to scrutiny.  I struggled with knowing I was going to have to write tonight and not feeling positive.  I struggled with the overwhelming feeling that I’m not good enough.  I struggled with wanting to quit everything I am working toward because I am afraid I will fail.  There’s a long list but I’ll stop there.  

For the majority of the day I hid in my office, shut off from everyone.  It was better for me and anyone that might cross my path.  I kept myself busy working on a big project but it started to remind me of how shitty some people are.  How they portray themselves as one thing but are really just giant pieces of fake.

Yes, this day overwhelmed and disheartened me.  Feeling betrayed and like you are not good enough are horrible feelings.  

I have a day like this every month.  It always sneaks up on me too.  You would think I would be ready and prepared since I know it is coming but it really is a sneaky fucker.  It’s like a damn jack-in-the-box and I don’t mean the fast food chain.  Though that can sneak up on you too.

So here I am feeling sorry for myself and looking forward to getting to the gym to improve my mood and BOOM I read this BLOG that reminds me of my badassery.  So I pick myself up, dust myself off and remind myself that little voice telling me everything I wrote in the first paragraph is bullshit and feeding it is ridiculous.  It doesn’t matter what people think.  I know me.  I know my intentions.  I am good enough.  I do a make a positive difference.  Maybe, I can’t be positive all the time.  Who is?  Maybe sharing all this will in some way help others and if not that’s fine.  This is my day and all I can do is learn from it.  Looking forward.

I also PR’d my deadlift today!

Until Tomorrow.

P.S.  Taking away television and electronics from my son has become my consequence also.  After round 785 of what would you do if… I had to call it quits and allow him 2 desserts.   I am not proud.