Soar

I just hung a painting created by my son on the wall in front of me.  It isn’t framed yet but it hangs, reminding me of beauty and creativity and the wings we develop when we are allowed to soar.  When we are lifted up and encouraged to do what we want- to let our minds be free.  He created it at school and I imagine his teacher gave him basic instructions on what was expected.   All the student’s painting were similar but each had a special flare from the artist.   I was reminded, yet again, that we do not have to be perfect.  Beauty is found in the imperfections.

My son doesn’t worry that I will dislike his work or that I will be critical of it.  He knows I will give an honest opinion and that I will love and cherish it simply because he created it.  He understands that he may not be the best at everything but he should do his best in everything.  As long as he does that I will support him.   He knows I will always be a soft place for him to land when he falls.  He will fall, we all do.  It is knowing that someone will catch you that makes all the difference in your ability to try.   So go and soar my sweet boy. 

{Currently}

It's been a few weeks so I decided to do another link up.  The topics this week are Making, Eating, Enjoying, Hiding and Noticing.  This should be fun.

I am making an effort to keep my mood in check as I deal with this injury.  It's very frustrating but a bad attitude will not help anything.  Plus, I need people to help me.  They're more likely to be helpful if I'm being nice.

I am eating what is made for me.  My son and my husband have been great this week in preparing my meals.  I've tried keeping it on the healthier side but mostly I'm just grateful for food.

I am enjoying building my FB Fitness Page.  If I can inspire at least one person then I will be happy.  It's been a long journey with a lot of ups and downs.  I still have a ways to go and it feels great to share it with others.  You can find it here.   

Hmm... hiding... this is a tough one.  Ah!  Tomorrow I may hide how many tacos I eat at my son's birthday party.  They are a huge weakness of mine and I never seem to get full.  The asada ones are the best.  My mouth is beginning to water just thinking about them. 

I have been noticing that the more open I am the more people I seem to attract.  So far, it's been a great thing.  This leads me to believe my insecurities are what's been holding me back this whole time.  Who knew?  No, really, who knew?  You could've let me in on the secret.  Can you say projection?

So there we have it.  Make sure and swing by and check out the host of this link-up here.

Road to Recovery

I am a bit of a klutz.  Normally I end up with bumps and bruises but every once in a while I manage a real doozy.  This is what I am dealing with now.  I’d like to tell you an elaborate story of how I was pole dancing in 5 inch stilettos (as a friend suggested) or a snake “this big” slithered out or I was scaling this rocky cliff and lost my footing.  But for the sake of honesty, I must admit, I was walking.  To my credit, I was on a slight incline.  I had just finished a somewhat gnarly hike.   It was full of steep hills and loose ground.  There are plenty of times I should have slipped but I made it down.  What happened was I stopped paying attention.  I was talking and laughing with my sister-in-laws (SILs) and niece.  I had just asked if they wanted to continue our walk on flat ground or head back to camp.  We were discussing my niece going off to college in a few years and how we hope she doesn’t go too far away.  Next thing I know I’m on the ground with the most horrible pop sound echoing in my ears.  My right foot slipped forward while my left bent backwards then slid sideways. It hurt and it sucked and it changed my weekend plans.   I didn’t think my ankle was broken and turns out I was right.  It is a bad sprain though and it’s not fun.

I spent 2 days being waited on and helped every time I wanted to move.  I hate asking for help and it was a slow torture.  I felt bad that I couldn’t help cook, hide Easter eggs and many of the other things that needed to get done.  I couldn’t even help pack up (ok, I’m not really bummed about that but sad my hubs had to do it alone).   Even the easiest of tasks became troublesome.

I came home thinking I would be back to working out on Monday.  I had no intention of missing any workouts.  Yes, I can be stubborn determined sometimes.  After my doctor’s appointment and the hubs poking fun at me, I realized I was going to be taking some time off.  I am most frustrated by this.   No running and no squatting for me.  I just found my love for running again and was really enjoying getting out there.  The no squatting sucks because I’ve been working hard on my butt and increasing my squatting weight.  I don’t want to lose my progress.  At least I can still work my upper body.  

everyday is upper body day

 

I am fighting to stay positive as I lay here on pain meds with my foot elevated.  I find a little comfort in each day being one step closer to my full recovery.  I’m using crutches for the first time and I have this boot (walking cast) that is evil.  That thing is heavy and it hurts like hell when I put it on.  I swear it is some kind of torture devise presented as helpful.  Joke is on me!  Luckily, I only have to wear it when I leave the house and I haven’t been allowed to leave the house. 

I hope to get out and back to work tomorrow at least for a couple of hours.  I also plan to work on my pull ups.  Walking with crutches is definitely a workout but I need a little more.   I’d love to hear about your workouts so I can live vicariously through you.  Maybe I will benefit from them through visualization.   I'm sure I can find some research that proves this works.

Choose Honor and Happiness

Today was my due date.  It was the day a little bundle of joy was supposed to make her entry into this world.  It was the day that my dream to have another child was supposed to be recognized.  It was the day we were supposed to celebrate. 

Today is none of those things.  Today is a sad day.  Today is a day that I am struggling not to hold it in.  Today is a day that I am reaching out to my friends and asking for comfort.  Today is a day of distraction.

If I can distract myself enough then today will be over.  I will have moved past the dreaded due date.  I honestly believed this until I shared it with a friend.  Her response…

Good distract yourself but I know at the end of the day when it’s quiet and it’s just you and your thoughts, it will come.  But I think as long as you turn this day into a positive day with laughs and love and doing things that make you happy you’ll be ok. Honor this day from now on as a day you choose to be happy.

She is right and she knows me better than I do.  In the calm of the night, I will struggle.  I will explore all the “what ifs” and “whys”.  All the things I can fight off now and replace with positivity will sneak up on me.   I will try to be gently with myself but it will be difficult.  It’s not fair and I have not let that go yet.  There is not a single thing about going through this that is fair or right.  There is not a single thing that is fair about having a body that will not do what you want it to.  There is not a single thing that is fair about not being able to have another child.  There is not a single thing that is fair about loss. All I can hope is that by sharing my story someone else will know they are not alone.

I will laugh and find a way to honor today.  I will light a candle in memory of my sweet baby.  I will find a way to make this a day of joy and happiness.  I have not figured out how but I will.  I will find a way to comfort myself and treat myself with love and let go of the resentment.  I will snuggle the son I do have a little longer.  I will remember what a blessing he is and how lucky I am to be his mom.  I will listen to his Lego and motorcycle stories with more interest and ask more questions even when this annoys him.  I will talk about his upcoming birthday and share his excitement.  I will count my blessings.  I will move one step closer to healing.

 ~  ~  ~  ~

To all my friends, thank you.  Thank you for being here for me.  Thank you for letting me vent and reminding me my feelings are okay but not letting me stay in the darkness.  Thank you for making me laugh and showing me that I am not alone. Thank you for all the love you show me every day.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.      

Sixteen Years

Sixteen years ago I moved to California.  I packed 2 suitcases and headed west for six months.  It was a hard decision but a necessary one.  I cried nearly the entire way, maybe part of me knew it was a bigger change than I was telling myself.  I left behind most of my family all of my friends and headed into the unknown.  It is a decision I often look back on and wonder how different my life would be if I had not gotten on that plane.

I imagine I would be more involved with my family; there to celebrate the big events and assist and support in the difficult ones.  I imagine Friday night football games, Saturday night BBQ’s with friends, Sunday dinners with the family, making casseroles for delivery for new babies and illness, and bumping into long lost rivals at the local QT and catching up on the local gossip.  I’d probably have the same friends for the last 30+ years, the ones I’m still in contact with through Facebook.  The ones I hold dear in my heart that will never be replaced yet we are not as close as we could be.  We would be able to talk in person instead of through social networking and via phone.  We’d know more of each others day-to-day lives, successes and trials and rely on each other how only friends for life can.  It would be a different life but a good one.

It’s odd to think of that life.  It’s odd because the way I imagine it is the way I would expect it to play out in my twenty year old mind.  When I think of home I think of how it was 16 years ago.  I think of the same restaurants, hangouts and dramas.  Yet, it has continued to grow without me.  I have continued to grow without it.   I am not that twenty year old anymore.  The things that girl wanted are not the same. 

I still know the smell and sounds of home and love when I first step out of the airport and my senses are overwhelmed.  I do NOT love the heat blast that typically awaits me.  I miss the snow days and the feeling that you are cheating life by getting an unexpected day of freedom.  I do NOT miss driving on ice.  That is just plain scary no matter what!  I miss the night sounds and the calm, warm air after the sun goes down even when the temperature only drops a few degrees.  I miss the feeling of being home.  The history of my youth is there.

I get incredibly homesick but I do not regret my choice to move to California and I would not change it if I could.  I am lucky to live in one of the most beautiful places in the county and I try not to take it for granted. The salt air, sound of waves crashing, mild temperatures, friendly smiles and looking at my son all remind me that this is my new home.  It will never replace my old but it is providing me a life that twenty year old me never could have imagined.  The path I have paved here has been a bumpy one full of hardships and triumphs but it is mine.  I wear it proudly.  My journey has made me who I am and I like me.    

  

New Fitness Page

This week I’ve been having a lot of fun developing my new fitness page on Facebook.   I decided to start it for several reasons.  One main reason is I get a lot of questions about my workouts and how I’ve changed my life.  So I decided to make a page where people can follow my journey.  I’ve learned a lot along the way and I’m happy to share it.  I still have a lot to learn, I’m not perfect and I feel the occasional indulgence is ok.  Those are the three things you should know.  Not everyone agrees with my theories and that’s ok.  We’re all on our journey and what works for one may not work for another.   I believe if you are too hard on yourself you’ll give up.  It’s about a lifestyle and making conscious decisions.  I weigh my choices and if I really want something I go for it.

I understand not everyone is where they can have the occasional indulgence.  I’ve been there too.  I’ve been so addicted to candy that I had to literally cut it all out.  I didn’t cut out all sweets as I knew that was a recipe for failure.  I took one month where I denied myself any candy.  I chose candy because that seemed to be my biggest issue.   The first few days were sheer torture but it did get easier.  After the month I had gained control of my addiction and didn’t crave it like I had.  I still have to be careful but am finding healthier alternatives that fill the need.  My family has been great about trying my inventions with minimal complaints.  The hardest has been the ice cream.  I haven’t mastered that ice cream maker YET. 

I remember I used to be able to sit and feed myself junk food and not even realize I had finished a whole bag of chips or cookies or whatever my treat was.  Usually I would start the eating as a way to comfort myself but then I would feel so guilty that it just created more need to comfort. So the cycle would repeat itself.  By the end of it I was a bloated, overweight mess and felt horrible about myself.  I had lost my self-confidence and developed a lot of insecurities.   It took seeing a picture of myself, I don’t mean just looking at it but really seeing it for me to realize I had to do something.  It was hard to believe I was worth the change but I dug deep and found a glimmer of confidence and took my first step.

My journey truly is proof; if I can do it, anyone can.  I know everyone says that and for a long time I scoffed at it but it is true.  You just have to find a little love for yourself and keep taking one step after another.  It won't always be easy and it will take determination, hard work and perseverance but results will follow.  We all have struggles but being kind to yourself will get you through.  That and friends that give you a little kick (sometimes a BIG one) in the butt to remind you to get to it.  I find if I am vocal about my goals I am more likely to work toward them.   Sometimes I need to be held accountable by someone other than myself. 

 

Go take the first step in making a positive change in your life and tell me all about it.  I want to be your cheerleader.   

Recognition

Several weeks ago I received an unexpected email telling me I had been nominated for a community service award for my work with the local rape crisis center.  I was absolutely thrilled and shocked.  It was completely unexpected. 

Now fast forward to last Tuesday, April 8, 2014.  It’s the day of the award ceremony.  It’s suddenly dawned on me that today is the day.  I’m a nervous wreck; stomach ache, sweaty palms, all of it.  I’m not even nervous because I want to win.  I’m nervous because I will be one of the people at the center of all this attention.  
I leave the office early, rush to pick up my son and bring him home.  My neighbor will be watching him for the evening.  He really wishes to attend the event but I encourage him to stay home.  He’ll have so much more fun here than sitting at the event.  Though the event is amazing, he’s 10 and needs a tad more entertainment.   I try on a few dresses and get his opinions.  His and mine vary a little.  Then I realize I haven’t shaved my legs!  So, I shave them in the bathroom sink.  What women haven’t done this, right?!   I can’t be the only one!

His suggestion including the hat- maybe if it was a running award

 

 When we (my hubby and I) arrive at the venue, I’m greeted by smiling faces, given my name tag, instructed on where to be when and where I will be sitting for the ceremony.  Then I’m welcomed out to the wine and cheese reception.  Score!  They have my favorite wine.  I grab a glass to calm my nerves and start making small talk with a familiar and friendly face.  Eventually, I wander off, grab some food and wait.  My “boss” from the center arrives.  What a wonderful surprise!  I didn’t know she was going to make it.  She brought me a beautiful bouquet of roses from her yard.  They are gorgeous and the fragrance is even more amazing.   Soon, our director joins us.  We take pictures and catch up on our lives.    

The Roses (me looking like a bridesmaid)

 Once inside I take my place in the front with all the nominees.  Eventually (it felt like forever) a nice young woman sits next to me.  We chat for a few minutes and she describes her work to me.  She has a therapy dog and goes on weekly visits to bring joy to people.  We laugh because everyone knows her dog’s name but not hers.  She’s the one representing the nomination but really it’s her dog that does all the work.   I love this and ask questions about her dog, Bella, and really like this woman.  When she asks what I do, I simply tell her I work with the rape crisis center.  Her response is “Wow, I don’t know how you do it.  I’m not worthy.”  I didn’t know how to respond to this.  Not worthy?  Your work is just as important.  You help people just in a different way.  I wish my dog(s) were trained well enough to do what you do.  Before I could say much, the event begins with an introduction from the mayor.  It is explained that each nominee will be introduced to the crowd by category and we should come to the front and stand while our bio is read.  I look at the program and realize I will be the very last person to be called.  I settle in and thank the Lord that I will not have to stand, with all eyes on me, for very long.

As I sit there for the next hour or so I am in awe of all these amazing people.  Everything they are doing in our community.  Why isn’t the news covering this like they do the negative?  So many people are losing faith in society and here I am in a room surrounded by amazing people.  This needs to be shared.  We need to restore hope.     

I didn’t believe from the moment I read about my nomination that I would actually win.  It really was just enough to be nominated.  I don’t do this for recognition.  I do it because helping people is everything and I’ve found a place where I feel I can make a difference.  It’s not something everyone can do and I understand that but it doesn’t make me special.  We all have our gifts.  So as I am sitting there I find it even more unlikely that I will win.  I am truly surrounded by selfless, giving, amazing people.  People that are out there daily, making a difference and helping society.

The award I am nominated for is Adult Services in the category of Health and Human services.  It is the most competitive category with at least 20 people nominated from throughout our county.  When they announce our category they say there has been a tie and they call up this gentleman that works with a local golfing facility and is changing the lives of children.  My son has gone there so I have firsthand knowledge of this great facility.  The gentleman is very deserving and overwhelmingly excited.  It’s really cool to watch his reaction.  Then they announce the other winner and I hear my name.  What?!  Did they really just say my name?  I am completely shocked and instantly overwhelmed.  All eyes are on me.  As I head to the stage I repeat to myself DO NOT fall and you really should have prepared a speech as suggested by those smarter than you. 

the beautiful award

 

I didn’t fall and I attempted a speech.   I spoke with a shaky voice and didn’t say even a small fraction of what I would’ve liked to.  I did manage to squeeze out a few thank yous.  I wish I had talked about how it is sexual assault awareness month and how 1 in for 4 women and 1 in 6 men have been sexually assaulted and how everyone can make a difference in changing the social stigma.  But I didn't and I can't change the past. 

I am really thankful my husband recorded this night.  Otherwise, I would not know what was said.  It was fun to go back and listen to everything except my speech.  I’ve threatened him if he every plays that portion publicly. 

I had at least a half dozen people come up to me and thank me for my work.  That meant so much to me.  They wanted to shake my hand and make a connection with little ol’ me.   I was also told by several that I’m an inspiration.  Me?  An inspiration?  How can that be?  I’m just like you only I was just shaving my legs in the sink.  I’m just an average woman stumbling through each day, doing the best I can, trying to stay positive and help people whenever possible.  I’m no more special than anyone else. 

 

If you'd like to read more about the nomination click visit the MCRCC Facebook page.  For more information on the organization visit their website here.  

Bamboozled

I was bamboozled!  I received a text from a number I didn’t recognize inviting me to a dinner presented by a chef from Palo Alto.  We would learn healthier cooking and then eat the food we create.  Sounded great!  I have been self teaching healthier cooking and would love some new recipes and substitutions, etc. I need all the guidance I can get and I LOVE food!  It’s a win win.  Once I figured out who the text was from, I swallowed my fear of social interaction and agreed to attend. 

Upon the chef’s arrival I realized he’s not really a chef and I’m not going to be learning new cooking methods.  He’s going to try and sell me new pans.  These pans do seem rather amazing and they appear to do most of the work for you.  However, unless they come with a chef, I’m not buying these babies.  They are super expensive!  I mean EXPENSIVE!  Way out of my price range.   Guess what?!  Yep, you can do payments.  I can be the proud owner of lifetime guaranteed pans in just 36 months.  I’m not great at math but I’m pretty sure that is 3 years.  They will also throw in two pans as gifts with purchase. But wait, there’s more!   If I host a show I get this amazing food processor.  Ok, the processor really is amazing and I may host a show for it.  Yes, it is THAT fabulous.  So, be on the lookout for your invite.  I must have 6 employed people attend the entire show or I don’t get this little gem.  Can you believe, they actually ask what you do as proof?  We shall tell them we are strippers…err dancers.   You don’t have to buy but you must stay and they request you do not serve alcohol.  Yeah, right!  You also get free food and time with me.  I’m sure you are jumping with excitement but just in case you’re still on the fence enjoy the following pictures.  These are the awesome eats we enjoyed.    

 

When I still thought I was going to learn something

 

Healthier than it looks- no extra oil and tons more veggies
than you can see

 

Forced SAHM

What a week this has been.  My little man has been home 3.5 of the 5 days.  He's not so sick he can't do anything just sick enough to not be able to function at school.  This, of course, means I am home with him.  That should mean my house is sparkling, my snuggle tank if full, that I've written a lot of important and inspiring blogs and that I've finished the research for my new venture. 

It doesn't mean any of that.  What I have done is be a bum.  I've laid around on the sofa with him but at the opposite end attempting to write.  I've watched some television but I'm not all that interested in a dog with a blog when I can't even finish one.  I've Facebooked so much that my brain may be rotting.  Candy crush, oh candy crush how I hate to love you.  Why did I ever start that stupid game and why can't I quit?!  I hope it isn't posting on FB on my behalf.   I don't really want anyone to know just HOW MUCH I've been playing. 

I did squeeze in one work out at home.  I literally had to dust off the weights.  (Can that count as cleaning?  I'd really love to be able to tell the hubs that I accomplished something.) I don't think I've used them since I moved.

note how clean and like new they appear

 I much prefer working out with other people.  I work harder when I'm being yelled at by my a trainer and having fun with workout buddies.  Plus I like when I'm given direction.  I'm capable of creating my own routines but it's just not the same.  I kept repeating what I've learned - use the main muscle groups; legs, back, chest then abs.  All the exercises pretty much engage my abs when done correctly so I didn't much focus on them directly.  Though I pushed through it, I can honestly say I CAN'T WAIT TO BE BACK WITH MY TRAINER.  I could hear his voice saying "butt back, chest up, LET'S GO!"  I also still hate tripod rows.  They just may be the most evil exercise.  They should be banned in the USA.

Looking out my window, I realize the wind is picking up and it looks like more rain is on its way.  I think I'll get out there and squeeze in a few miles before cleaning my house, writing an inspiring blog entry and cooking dinner.  

Depression

One of the most difficult things for me to do is walk away.

Today I am sad and depressed. I have lots of reasons that could cause this. Maybe it’s the argument I had with my husband. Perhaps the sad blog I read a few hours ago. Could be the shit storm around me. Maybe it’s the rain. It could even just be that I’m having an off day so it decided to rear its ugly little head. Who knows, but here I am dealing with it.

I’m here at work, hiding in my office with the door shut. Luckily, this is something I often do when it’s cold so no one gives it a second thought. Thank goodness because I don’t think I could plaster that fake smile on my face for a second longer than I must. It’s hard enough to do it when I arrive and when I must step out.

Depression is something I’ve battled most of my life. They say depression is anger turned inside. I believe that is part of it. When you bury feelings it can certainly lead to depression. But it’s so much more. I'm not just talking about a sad day or week or when you are going through a difficult time.  I'm talking about the kind of depression that sneaks up on you all through your life. 

Now, it's been a few days since I started this post.  I'm no longer hiding in my office.  I've ventured out into the world and faced many people and events.  No one knowing that behind my mask is a sad, depressed person trying to stay positive.  I function well.  I do manage to have a good time and enjoy the presence of some people but the depression is there lurking, waiting for me to be alone and remove the mask.  It's laying in wait to consume me.  It's MO is to wait until I am trying to fall asleep.  It takes over my thoughts keeping me awake.  I have my own way of fighting this battle and that is by keeping the tv on or falling asleep reading. 

Depression is a dirty, scary word that people do not like to discuss.  It seems people picture a depressed person as someone alone in a dark room, unable to function possibly contemplating suicide.  Yes, there are people like that.  However, there are more people that are functioning and out in the world.  You would never know by looking at them that they are depressed or struggling.