Falling

Hey you!  Yeah you!  You over there ignoring me.  You over there with your nose stuck in your phone - living everyone else's life while yours is passing by.  You who forgets I'm here.  You who is so consumed that you haven't realized I'm slipping away.  Wake from your zombie state before it's too late.  I'm hanging by a frayed thread and I can feel myself falling - drifting away.

I'm succumbing to outside forces.  The forces that pull and tug at me.  The forces that see me and want me.  They don't need me.  They only know they feel a pull and are blindly allowing themselves to tumble forward. To place upon me the need I unwillingly reveal to the world.  My secret no longer safely hidden in the empty pocket of my heart.  It's written upon my face, upon the swell of my breast and the curve of hips.  It's oozing from me like an open wound.

Damn it all to Hell

I hate being negative. I hate opening that side of my life up for people to see. I hate that a certain person with their care and friendship keeps asking me about shit I don't want to talk about but apparently need to talk about. Everytime I'm asked I spew information like a faucet with a broken valve. After, I instantly feel quilt. I don't want to make my problems someone elses and I dont want to wear them down by constantly purging and dumping on them. I also don't want this person seeing me in this light and as anything other than strong. I hate displaying weakness and for this person to see me this way makes my heart ache. It makes me ache because I want to be strong, beautiful, sexy, loving, intelligent and brave. I don't mind having faults and can joke about them. I do mind looking weak and having someone's pity. That, I can not handle.

They are constantly looking for a way to help me but there is no outside help. I am only able to help myself. I know what needs to be done but am unable to go through the motions. Unfortunately, life is not simple and I am not ready to set these wheels in motion. It will create a chain of events that I am unprepared to face. It will effect areas more far reaching than I can even imagine. Everytime I think of it, I instantly become overwhelmed. I walk in a daze thinking of it all and if I could survive.

Survival, sounds somewhat overly dramatic. It is not, when speaking of my emotional state. At this time I know what to expect, know what will happen in my day-to-day. I am surviving. I may not be doing it in the healthiest of ways or making the best decisions but I've found my way of coping. I may be spinning out of control and lost my grip on reality in one area but I'm thriving in others. I've found a comfortable nook where I sit and observe the world. I watch it passing me and jump in and enjoy the roller coaster from time to time. I wear my mask and show the world what I want it to see. I focus on the areas where I have control and that make me happy. I embrace the joys and leave the tough shit simmering in the background. It'll still be there when I'm ready and able to face it.

Torn

Sitting here in the sun enjoying a beautiful afternoon but I'm torn.  As usual, I'm torn between what I should be doing and what I want to do.  This should come as no surprise as it's typical for how I've always lived my life.  I grew up with a certain way I was to be seen, act and believe.  There was no room for deviation and little tolerance for anything outside the considered norm.  We didn't talk about things considered private and I learned to navigate my way through life on my own. 

It was unfortunate that many times when I was torn between what was expected of me and what I wanted I went with what was expected.  When I did choose to go off the given path I was rather good at being discrete.  However, when my little rebellious streak really struck I gave it 100% and held my ground.  It was dumb and I learned a life lesson.  A lesson that changed my entire future.  I have no regrets and wouldn't change a thing.  But I do wonder what if I had made a different decision.  How would my life be now? 

I always wanted to be loved and showered with attention.  To know that I was the center of someone's universe.   As soon as I received that from a man I became like a sponge, soaking it up and longing for more.  Unfortunately, it wasn't something that lasted.  It would be easy to point out the reasons that he caused this failed relationship. But I'm here to focus on me and my biggest contribution was my inability to believe I deserved what I desired most.   How can one possible succeed if they believe the are unworthy and destined to fail?

I've always longed for attention.  Any kind of attention yet am embarrassed upon receipt.  I somehow never feel deserving and often think it to be some kind of joke and that my acceptance of it will be the punch line.  This is why I am unable to graciously accept a compliment and find it hard to give them.  At least those that are more than surface deep.

I realize this is a problem of mine and I'm working to rectify it.  I'm learning to just say thank you and not make a joke or down play it.  I'm learning to tell that little voice in my head to be quiet and to stop the negative talk.  I am learning to believe them.  I am me and me is enough.  Though I constantly work to improve myself, at this moment in time I AM ENOUGH.  Every time I repeat this I believe it a little more.

I'm a work in progress and I have my ups and downs.  I have my low self-esteem days and the days I think I'm bad ass.  There are days I wish to bare my soul and days where I feel it and my heart need to be protected because any hint of imperfection will destroy me. Today, today is a day where I'm willing to open myself to you and embrace you with all that I have.

One of those days

Today I'm feeling bitchy, bloated and lethargic. It's just one of those days. You know the ones... everything and everyone annoys you and you'd shoot them with lasers, from your eyes, if only you could. You'd curl up under the covers consuming comfort food with abandon while watching mind numbing television hoping no one had the nerve to walk in the room. Should they walk in the room you would shoot them with said lasers. I always have a day like this when it's close to THAT time of the month. Luckily, I've learned to recognize and accept it. Gone are the days where it would start a downward spiral of depression, self-critism and destruction. Now I embrace it as best I can and know it's only 24 hours of hell.