February 1, 2019 is the day I filed for divorce. Nine days before our 18th wedding anniversary. 20 years, 7 months and 11 days after our first date.
I showed up at the court house at 8:15 am for a document review appointment. This is a great service offered at the self-help center of our court house. 2.5 hours later I walked through double glass doors, stood in line and held back tears. This was not the place to break down. I pulled from every "do not cry" strategy I've picked up through my 40 plus years.
As I finally walked to the counter and handed her the large packet of papers, my heart broke. Not because I changed my mind or think I will regret this but because I failed. We failed. We've spent 20.5 years getting to this point. That's 20.5 years of love, fights, disappointments, celebrations, friendship, anger, happiness, misunderstandings, sleeping on the couch, losing loved ones, celebrating births, marriages, funerals, opening and closing businesses, new careers, loss, grief, struggle, laughter, health issues, new experiences, and the list goes on. It's 20.5 years of life and life is short.
As I stood there waiting for the woman at the desk to process my paperwork I realized I couldn't stop shaking. It had started while reviewing the paperwork but now it was increasing. It was like the tears I wouldn't allow were making my body tremble.
I turned my focus to the people around me - the man having a conversation in spanish while his friend was trying to leave, the person frustrated because their paperwork to change their gender and name wasn't complete and the woman behind the counter was asking too many questions, to the woman that kept asking how to do her job and to the security guards scanning people through.
Returning to the task at hand, the woman kept handing me copies of the documents which I needed to write the case number on each cover page. I don't think I will ever forget my case number. I wondered how they got the number. It seems the last digits are how many cases have been filed this year. Could there really be that many in only 32 days? I wonder how many there are in a year, just in our county.
Divorce is hard and the paperwork is insane. You have to provide a full financial disclosure, outline everything you've accumulated during the marriage, assign values, who gets it and try to make it fair. At least I tried to make it fair. I feel I was extremely reasonable and hope he realizes it. It's hard to sum your life up on paper. How do you account for 20.5 years in a few dozen papers. It's sad really that it comes down to this. If getting married was as challenging as getting a divorce, there would be a lot less marriages. Another thing we've got backward as a society.
As I finally left the building, 2 copies in hand - his and hers. Oh the irony. I had only one goal in mind. I needed to get to my car before the tears started streaming. Of course, this was the perfect time to bump into a colleague that wanted to rehash a previous conversation. My continuing to walk and just say thank you was no deterrent for her. I finally just had to say "thank you, I've got to run."
As I climbed in the car and locked the doors, I gave my body permission to release the tension and tears but they wouldn't come. It's funny how our bodies react. For a good thirty minutes it was all I could do to hold back and now nothing. I just sat there and shook. After a few minutes I headed to work with a few rogue tears making their way down my cheeks.
My next goal was to figure out how to serve him the papers. It needed to be that day. There wasn't going to be a scene, he expected them, it should be easy. I called to figure out where to serve him. The hardest part was finding someone to do it for me since I'm not allowed. Finally a friend agreed, she met us at 3 pm and at 3:03 pm he had papers in hand and in 6 months and 1 day we will be officially divorced. It was very anti-climatic considering all the work, emotions and time to get to that moment.
I don't know what my life is going to look like going forward. It's hard to imagine. I doubled in age with him and it's a very different world than it was 20.5 years ago. I do know that I feel a huge sense of relief and a lighter weight on my shoulders. I know I will make it through all of this and the future is bright. I know I have amazing friends and family that support me and stand beside me. I'm open to love and that perfect-for-me person. The roller coast will continue and I'm looking forward to the ride and sharing it. I've learned what I want, don't want, the deal breakers and where I will compromise. I'm ready for this new journey.
