Completed

Once this is posted, I will have blogged 28 days straight.  I will have made it the entire month of February.  I am super stoked and relieved. 
 
There were times that I had to force myself to write.  February was a crazy month for me.  Probably not much different than any other, if I’m honest but it felt insane.

I dealt with allergies/illness, other health concerns (my own and family), tons of extra stress with work and personal issues, my 14^th wedding anniversary, I was on call 5 times with one call out, board meeting, birthday parties, worked out 6 days a week almost every week, found some time to run, completed the instagram challenge #poseswithroses, worked full time, and so much more. 

I made this list to prove we are all busy.  Each one of us has a list like this, some are probably longer.  You know what this proves to me though?  If you make something a priority you make the time for it.  There were days I didn’t get to write until after midnight so it wasn’t officially daily but I count it based on sleep.  If I hadn’t slept then the day wasn’t over.  There were times I was falling asleep while typing but I still did it.  I made a commitment to myself and I knew I had to follow through.  I had to prove to myself I could do it even when I was the only person counting on it. 

I think my writing improved as the month progressed.  I went through and read my last few entries again last night.  I had not done much proofing of them and I was pleasantly surprised.  I didn’t read all of them but my feeling is that when I stopped over-thinking is when they got better.  I just started putting my thoughts down.  This is a journal for me – a way to track my life. 

 
Will I continue to write every day?  I’m not sure yet.  There are some days that it truly is difficult to sit down and write.  However, I have gained so much and I want to retain it.  Finding the right balance is important, as always.  A month ago I really wanted to write but couldn’t get it out.  I finally broke through that and NEED to continue moving forward.  I love exploring this side of my creativity and sharing it with others.  I love the format of a blog as it can be whatever I make it.

 

Until Next Time

P.S.  This is blog post #102.  Holy shizzle!       

Judgment

I grew up in a very religious family.  We attended church every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night for many years.  I was taught to love God, prayer as a form of communication, treat others with love and respect and to pray for them.  I was not taught to judge others.    

Over the last several years I have grown away from the religion that I grew up with but still hold the values that were instilled in me.  I’ve questioned my belief in God, explored other religions and grown more spiritual and less religious.  I have done a lot of searching.  I don’t really have any more answers than I did when I started but I have learned many things.     

One of the biggest lessons has been that many Christians are extremely judgmental.  I can’t determine why.  It is not our job to judge others.  If you are Christian, I believe you share in my belief that one day we will stand before God and will be judged by him for our sins.  He is also the only one that can absolve us of them.  So, why do so many feel it is their responsibility to judge others?  What makes them the judge and jury?  What makes them think they can play God?  Is that not the ultimate sin? Even when thinly veiled with “I’m worried about you” or something along those lines.  We all sin differently.   Just because you see a person’s sins as worse than yours, doesn’t mean you are better than them.  So get off your high horse.   Stop judging and remember your place.  Judge not, that ye be not judged.  Matthew 7:1. 

People have to live their own lives and it is hard enough without feeling judgment from those that are supposed to be friends or family.  Before you point the finger take a long look at yourself.  What sins did you commit today? 

This may indeed seem that I am being judgmental.  Maybe I am in a way.  But honestly, I’m tired of the comments, looks and watching friends suffer because someone disapproves of their behavior.  If you do not like someone’s behavior and feel they are headed down the wrong path – pray for them.  You do not need to fix them or tell them how you disapprove.  If they’re not asking for help then get out of their way.  If associating with them somehow negatively affects you then separate yourself.  We all have to make the decisions in our life based on what is best for us.  Everyone deserves to be happy.  Everyone’s happiness looks different. 

FYI I am not talking about anything illegal, drug related or harmful.  I am talking about people that are just trying to do their best.  Maybe they are making relationship, business, family, etc decisions.  Maybe they are poor choices, maybe they’re not and you just think they are.  Maybe your own bias is playing a roll.  Ultimately we have to live with our own choices.  So goes the saying - you do you and I’ll do me.

Yes, in Christianity we have commandments and a Bible to follow but we still do not get to play judge.  It is not our place.

Until Tomorrow

P.S.  3 words- preteen boy drama.      

Nothing Important

Today is the first day in many that I’ve had to use daily notes to come up with something to write.  I think it is because I fried my brain working on some banking stuff at work.  I spent the entire day staring at numbers and trying to make them match.  It can be very tiring and frustrating when you are just a small amount off but can’t find the issue.  Reports make my eyes gloss over but they’re an important part of my job.  About 30 minutes before I could leave I reached a point that I just could not go on.  To be honest, I almost threw the file and the computer out the window.  Then walked out.  Of course, I visualized it but didn’t actually do it.  Sometimes visualizing is enough.  Not today but sometimes.  Instead, I made a cup of coffee and started writing.    

What I came up with through daily notes is I really do not have much to say today.  The week and the month are winding down and I can feel the energy levels dropping with it.  Most people at work and the gym seem to be moving in slow-motion.  Do you notice a drop in energy in your life around this time?  I can’t be the only one.  

I do have big plans to kick off the first of March.  I can’t wait to share it with you soon. 

I hope you have a wonderful night!

Until Tomorrow

P.S.  I love when I forget I have my ringer and vibration turned off on my phone and find 6 text messages.  Makes me feel more special than if I had gotten them one at a time

Success

There is so much success available out there.  I don’t believe you have to step on others to make it.  How do people find the time to focus on other people’s struggles and still find time to make themselves successful?  It seems that it would be counterproductive.  Yet people do it all the time.  I don’t think I would want success if it came at the cost of using other’s struggles.  I find it weak and disgusting.  Perhaps I am naïve.   

I would rather bust my butt, make connections and climb my way to the top.  I do believe it is a who-you-know world.  With a little help you can get farther faster.  I don’t think it is the only way but I do believe it helps.  Personally, I am not good at calling in favors or dealing with politics.  I don’t do things with expectation and I have a difficult time asking for help.  However, I have done it when I’ve really needed to.   It is a dance and takes finesse.  That finesse is developed over time and with practice.

My biggest issue with this game is I get awkward about it.  When I am nervous I make things awkward. I tend to say and do weird things.  I either get really quiet or say off the wall things.  It is like my nerves give me a mild case of tourettes.  After time I can look back and laugh at it but immediately after, it is a face palm moment.   Hopefully, I eventually learn to control it or accept it.

 

Until Tomorrow

P.S. Tonight starts a new season of Survivor.  I love watching it for the challenges.  They look like so much fun.   It is also the start of the new season of the Amazing Race.  That show stresses me out.  It is like a train wreck.  I can’t stop staring.   

Doctor Appointment

Today I had a doctor appointment for a breast check-up.  I’ve noticed a couple of things that are off and felt it better to be safe and get checked out.  I am confident that everything is fine but it is never a bad idea to check when something is abnormal.  Best case – I will be out a little time and money.  Worst case- well, I will deal with that when I need to.

He requested I have a follow-up mammogram and possibly an ultrasound.  His staff was nice enough to call the mammography center and schedule the appointment for me.  I thought that showed amazing patient care and gave me another reason to love this doctor.  Unfortunately, every time I have seen him, it has been under poor circumstances but he and his staff are truly amazing.  I will happily recommend him to everyone.

He is the same doctor that did my surgery in 2013.  Today was the first time I returned to his office since then.  I dreaded it but I coped well.  I focused on the reason I was there and going through those motions.  Sitting talking to him after the exam made me tear up.  I’m not sure if it was because of the emotion of the moment or a combination of the old and new.  I assume it was the combination.  Either way it was tough but I am tougher. 

I debated on sharing this story today.  It is very personal and I have not shared the information with many that are close to me.  At least not until now.  I do not want to raise any unnecessary concerns.

I decided to share after thinking others may be on the fence about getting something checked out.  For me it is a mind game.  I don’t want to feel silly or be seen as a drama queen or overreacting.  BUT after watching friends and family fight cancer, I feel it is necessary to be extra careful.  The sooner you know the easier the fight.  I would rather be extra careful and not ignore any potential warning signs.  Like I said, it is better to be safe than sorry.  I don’t want to look back and say if only I had checked sooner. 

It is crazy how life works.  Just when you think you cannot possibly handle one more thing BOOM another bomb drops.  I am about finished with these bombs.  My shoulders have enough wait on them, I feel like I’m being crushed.

Whatever the results next week, I will be okay.  This I know.  I get knocked down but I am never out. 

Until Tomorrow

 

P.S.  My son got poison oak while camping this weekend.  He’s extremely allergic and has a lot on his face.  Every time I yell at him to stop scratching, I start to itch.  Sympathy itching sucks too.       

Peace

Today I found a few minutes when I didn’t have something I had to do.  I was actually running ahead of schedule so I stopped by a local spot; soaked up the sun as it was setting, the smooth water and the view.  I could have chosen the ocean but this seemed fitting for my mood.  I needed something calming and to bring me peace. 

As usual my life is spinning and I needed it to slow down.  For that 5-10 minutes I was in slow motion.  I wasn’t thinking about the million other things I should have been doing, tomorrow’s troubles or over analizing.  I was completely in the moment.  That was a rare gem and I will cherish it for a long while.

Tomorrow is unknown, live each moment.  

 

Until Tomorrow

P.S. Today I was told I am appreciated and given specific reasons.  It was random and wonderful.  We should all do this more often.

Easy

I’m often writing about things that are difficult. So here are some things that are easy.

Staying in the shower until you run out of hot water
Snuggling by the fire
Lazy morning in bed with a cup of coffee and the remote
Skipping commercials
Dancing in the rain
Long talks with your best friends
Enjoying  a candle lit bubble bath
Paying it forward
Staying up all night reading a good book
Making someone feel special
Sunrises and Sunsets
Singing along to your favorite songs (even when they change the words on you)

What is something you find easy?

Until Tomorrow

P.S. I haven't turned my T.V  on this entire weekend.  That has to be a record.

They Talk

DAY 21

They say do something for 28 days and it becomes a habit.  I am getting close.  I can totally feel the habit forming. 

They also say fake it until you make it. 

They say a lot of things that are mostly designed to help motivate and give hope.  Keep you on your path and not giving up.  If it works then use it.  I have used both those phrases in an attempt to remind myself that I can do anything.   Sayings may be cliché and boring but if they trigger a positive reaction then use them anyway. Find what works and use it.

Those are my deep and profound thoughts for the day.

Until Tomorrow

P.S.  Texting is one of my favorite forms of communication ,too bad it doesn't come with a sarcasm font. 

One Year Later

Today is going to be quick and to the point.

Appreciate your friendships and nurture them.  We are not here for long and the memories we create with those we love and care about are one of the most important legacies we can leave.  It is what we have to hold on to when we lose those we love. 

Tonight I am going to celebrate the birthday of a great friend.  Her birthday last year was a huge stepping stone in my journey.  I went to her party where I didn’t really know anyone and stepped so far out of my comfort zone I’m still a little surprised I did it.  I also had a BLAST. 

It was only the second time I had met her and that night created a huge change in me.  I learned that spreading my wings leads to great things and I made a life-long friend.  Reflecting over the last year truly shows me just how far I have come.  Tonight I will celebrate her and how far I have come.

Until Tomorrow

P.S.  I am too old to attend adult birthday parties two weekends in a row.   

Poem

I recently wrote about how our thoughts have power.  This poem is a beautiful reminder   

Thoughts are Things

I hold it true that thoughts are things;
They’re endowed with bodies and breath and wings
And that we send them forth to fill
The world with good results, or ill.
That which we call our secret thought
Speeds forth to earths remotest spot,
And leaves its blessings or its woes
Life tracks behind it as it goes.
We build our future, thought by thought,
For good or ill, yet know it not.
Yet so the universe was wrought
Thought is another name for fate;
Choose then thy destiny and wait,
For love brings love and hate brings hate.

Heny Van Dyke

This was sent to me today and I have read it about a dozen times.  I continue to love it more and more each time. 

There is another poem very similar by Ella Wheeler Wilcox and I urge you to find it and read it.  It starts the same but is longer.  I haven't researched to determine which came first but it is obvious one of them copied the other.  They are both beautiful.  I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

Until Tomorrow.

P.S.         Conversation with a coworker:
                What do you do, Amber?  Cardio? Kickboxing?
                I weight train
                hahahaha no, really?
                Really
              “OH” and walked away

 

 

 

 

 

 

To Race or Not to Race

I have lost my mind.  You probably already know that but I just figured it out… again.  How?  I received an email today about a local half marathon coming up in August and I’m considering signing up for it BEFORE THE PRICE goes up.  I did this one a couple years ago and it’s a nice race.  There are a lot of hills but it ends at a winery.  That is definitely a perk BUT (there is always a but) I have not been training like I should for the race I am already registered for in May.  I have not figured out how to prioritize my time yet but I am getting there.  Kinda.    

The question is do I really want to register for another?  I am having some doubt in my capabilities.  Well, not exactly my capabilities, as I know if I register I will finish it.  I just don’t want to struggle through it and be under trained.  I don’t want to walk away struggling like I did at the end of 2013.  Maybe this is just my fear rearing its ugly head.   I feel I failed once and I am nervous to try again. I know, I know all the logic here on why I need to not fear failure.  You do not have to tell me.    

To help me decide what to do, I am going to make a pros and cons list.  I do this often when I struggle with decisions.  Usually it helps me to see the answer in simple black and white instead of letting it get all mixed up in my head.

PROS

Bling!
Bonus: Wine glass – it’ll give me a matching pair
Another notch on my half belt
It is reasonably priced
Lots of friends running it
Showing my fear where it belongs (this may be the only reason I need)
Did I mention more BLING

CONS

Training
Tough Course
Getting up super early on race morning

Seems I have a lot more pros than cons.  Think this has made my decision?  Not quite yet but I am leaning toward just doing it already.  I will let you know when I register, if I do.   Thank you for being a sounding board.

Until Tomorrow

P.S.  My son boosting my self-esteem today: her mom is older than you but she looks younger, I’m going to use it to comb your leg hair and I call you puppy because they are sweet, cute and fluffy just like you.   

Today I Struggled

I struggled a lot today.  I struggled with having a page on Facebook that opens me up to scrutiny.  I struggled with knowing I was going to have to write tonight and not feeling positive.  I struggled with the overwhelming feeling that I’m not good enough.  I struggled with wanting to quit everything I am working toward because I am afraid I will fail.  There’s a long list but I’ll stop there.  

For the majority of the day I hid in my office, shut off from everyone.  It was better for me and anyone that might cross my path.  I kept myself busy working on a big project but it started to remind me of how shitty some people are.  How they portray themselves as one thing but are really just giant pieces of fake.

Yes, this day overwhelmed and disheartened me.  Feeling betrayed and like you are not good enough are horrible feelings.  

I have a day like this every month.  It always sneaks up on me too.  You would think I would be ready and prepared since I know it is coming but it really is a sneaky fucker.  It’s like a damn jack-in-the-box and I don’t mean the fast food chain.  Though that can sneak up on you too.

So here I am feeling sorry for myself and looking forward to getting to the gym to improve my mood and BOOM I read this BLOG that reminds me of my badassery.  So I pick myself up, dust myself off and remind myself that little voice telling me everything I wrote in the first paragraph is bullshit and feeding it is ridiculous.  It doesn’t matter what people think.  I know me.  I know my intentions.  I am good enough.  I do a make a positive difference.  Maybe, I can’t be positive all the time.  Who is?  Maybe sharing all this will in some way help others and if not that’s fine.  This is my day and all I can do is learn from it.  Looking forward.

I also PR’d my deadlift today!

Until Tomorrow.

P.S.  Taking away television and electronics from my son has become my consequence also.  After round 785 of what would you do if… I had to call it quits and allow him 2 desserts.   I am not proud.

Writing Commitment Update

I am 16 days in and still enjoying all this writing.  I look forward to it and dread it all day.  I look forward to it because I’m enjoying the challenge and actually writing.  I dread it because I never know what I am going to write about and because I’m usually exhausted by the time I get a chance to start.  I also fear that I may be sacrificing quality for quantity.  Either way I am committed to finishing out this month. 

At first I spent my days randomly thinking about what I was going to write about and stressing a tad.  Thinking I needed to have a topic I could really speak about in great detail and type out some big profound or motivating post that was several paragraphs long. 

One thing I have learned- when I allow myself to just sit and write it flows more easily.  Who knew that over thinking would inhibit my creativity?  That was rhetorical.  I know a few people and one in particular told me this repeatedly.  Here is your “I told you so” moment, go ahead and take it.  Remember though, I am stubborn and I have to learn on my own timing.

I am still using daily notes some but they are shorter and less frequent now.  I consider that a sign of progress.  Luckily, progress, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder and comes in many shapes and sizes.   Any progress is positive and I will gladly accept it.

Whether you have stuck with me through this or if you just happened to stumble across me, I am glad you are here.  Thank you.  I appreciate you.

Enjoy the rest of your day.

Until Tomorrow

P.S. In two days I have become a Trivia Crack addict.  You should find me on there so we can play together.  It’ll be fun.  Lots and lots of fun. 

Excuses

What is your number one goal and how do you plan to achieve it?  Think about that and really consider what is most important to you.  Career? Family? Fitness Competition?  It can be anything.

For years the number one thing for me was to be able to have another baby.  That didn’t happen and now it can’t.  But I did everything I could to try.  Yes, it took me time to be open to some of the avenues we chose but in the end, I feel we did everything we could.  It is still painful but I can look at the journey and know I tried everything but I used a lot of excuses along the way.  I made excuses because I was scared.   Perhaps if I had not made so many excuses I would not have devoted 10 years of my life to disappointment after disappointment. 

I get so frustrated when I hear people say “I don’t have time” or  “you don’t understand…” and a number of other excuses why they can’t reach their goals.  You know what? I think they are usually crap.  Typically the excuse is a cover for some reason you are avoiding going after your goals.  Perhaps you don’t even realize it but if something is truly a priority to you, you will find a way to make it happen.  You will.   Yes, we all have responsibilities and legit reasons we may have to pause.  The difference is how long you allow that pause. 

Life is not just about our responsibilities.  If we are only working, doing chores, errands or whatever, we are not living.  We have to make time for the things that are important to us.  If we don’t we are going to wake up one day and have missed out on a lot of living. 

I give up a lot of time with my friends and some with my family because I choose to workout 6 days a week.  That is a priority to me.  I make time for that and I have a lot of physical goals I want to achieve.  I am making that conscious choice.  Not everyone can understand that and some of my relationships have suffered.  That has been rough but I have to make my decisions based on my needs. 

Exercise has done so much for me.  It has changed my life and given me confidence.  It has helped me to blossom into a person I like.  It has helped me be a better me.  It continues to give back to me what I give it.  It is therapy for me and I always leave better than I was when I arrived. 

Go obtain your goals.  Start living life instead of letting it live you. 

Until Tomorrow.

P.S. I have to end this because it’s SNL40 time and I don’t want to miss a second and I need some good laughs.  Let me know if you watched and what you thought. 

Celebrate

It’s Valentine’s Day – the day to celebrate love.  It doesn’t have to be about that special romantic love.  It can be a day to remember to tell all those you love how much they mean to you.  We should do this all the time but sometimes life gets hectic and we can forget.  It is nice when the calendar throws little reminders to us.  

Speaking of those we care about, yesterday was my friend’s birthday and we celebrated by going to a burlesque show followed by dinner and dancing.  It was amazing.  The burlesque show was put on by a small local theater and another friend of mine was a performer.  It is only a two night show and opening night sold out.  We were a little worried we weren’t going to get seats but they added some chairs and we all made it in.   The show was quirky and sexy and I was impressed by how well they actors performed.  If you are local you should plan to check it out next year.  I believe it is annual event.  

 

The Birthday Girl and our favorite star



Dinner and dancing was a lot of fun too.  I am not really much of a dancer but I went out there and flung my arms around a little and did my imitations of old silly dances.  People may have laughed but no one complained so I call it a good night. 

This morning I woke up remembering that I’m not as young as I once was.  After some coffee and food I was able to hit the gym.  The time is not important.  When I got home, I may or may not have napped with my dogs too.

Now I have the rest of the weekend to snuggle the remote, relax, recover and write.

Until Tomorrow   

P.S. My Valentine’s Gift to myself is fresh, clean sheets on my bed.  Not many things better than that. 

Choices

This morning I had to have blood work done and was forced to fast.  It is so hard for me to ever feel deprived and that’s exactly how I felt.  Obviously, I wasn’t really deprived.  I was just forced to wait an extra couple of hours for my first cup of coffee and for food.  However, I did realize (again) that when I am not allowed something it is a trigger.  I am able to refrain from less than healthy food but I cannot be told I am not allowed to have it.  If I put that kind of restriction then I will obsess and then binge.  Perhaps that has to do with my being extremely stubborn too.  It applies to a lot of areas of my life.  Tell me I can’t and I will, just to prove you wrong.   

I prefer to make choices and sometimes I choose that piece of cake or those nachos.  This does not work for everyone.  Some have to be strict.  We are all different and we have to learn what works best for us.  Also, at different points in our journeys it may be necessary to refrain from certain items.  When I really need to refrain I have to mentally prepare..  I turn it to where it’s my idea because _______.  I fill in the blank with what ever the real reason is.  For instance right now I am TRYING to consume less carbs.  I can’t say I am going low carb only that I am trying to have less.  I also can’t use the word diet (as I’ve written about previously).  The reason I am doing it is to trim down a little so I can achieve some personal goals. 

Basically, as I stated earlier, we are all different.  We all have different goals, opinions and what works best for us.  Ideally, we need to recognize those things and work to be our best selves.  Every moment we have that choice to make. We can move forward, laterally or backwards.  My hope is that if we ever move backward it is just to evaluate and consider taking a different path.

Get Answers

I love my naturopath!  Every time I leave her I feel so much better.  It’s amazing to feel heard and validated.  I remember when I first found her a few years ago I was so relieved.  Finally someone with initials after their name listened.  I actually felt like someone cared and didn’t want to just throw a prescription at me.  She gave me hope and I got my life back. 

Like with most new things, I was scared to go to her.  I was a nervous wreck to be exact.  Almost immediately after walking into her office I was put at ease.   She was so calm and warm that my anxiety melted away.

By her taking the time to really listen we were able to put a plan into action.  This led me to finally gaining control over my body and emotions.  After some blood work to prove her suspicions I was finally able to get better.  Within a week or two I was seeing results.  I was finally getting my life back.  All my hard work both in the gym and in other areas started to show.  I felt in control again.  It is another one of those great life choices.  One of the best gifts I have ever given myself.  My only regret is I didn’t do it sooner.

My advice to you is if you know something is wrong keep fighting for answers.  If you don’t know where to turn then ask that.  That is how I found my ND.  I asked a random question on Facebook and 3 friends responded with her information.   So, ask questions.  Figure out where to turn for help and go after it.  You deserve it and you are damn sure worth it.       

Until Tomorrow

Critics

We are our own worst critics.  Most of us judge ourselves harsher than we would ever judge another person.   We can be downright mean.  Many things we think about ourselves we would never dream of saying to another person.  It would be cruel and hurtful.  So why do we say them to ourselves?  Our thoughts have power.  What we think is what we are reinforcing.  So if we are telling ourselves “I look fat” or “I wish I was more muscular” or “I have big ears” or whatever, we are continuing to breed that belief.   

We do so many things to test ourselves.   Let’s use selfies as an example since we are living in a selfie world.  Many of us take multiple pictures.  Why is that?  It’s because we judge everything about the picture and we want it perfect.  We find the best angle to hide what we don’t like and to accentuate what we do.  I’ve done it and I still do a lot of the time. (usually I'm trying to hide my messy house)  It’s pretty normal but that doesn’t make it a positive.

There is a line between wanting to improve ourselves and not liking ourselves.  It is wonderful to have goals but we need to learn to love ourselves where we are while we work to get where we want.

When I recognize that I’m starting down a path of negativity I stop and acknowledge it, tell myself something positive and then repeat it until the demeaning thoughts no longer have a voice.  Sometimes I struggle with this more than others.  Some insecurities are stronger and take more to beat down.   I encourage you to fight back the next time negative self-talk starts taking over.  Find how you can best combat it and implement it immediately.  

Until Tomorrow

Wedding Anniversary

Today is my 14^th wedding anniversary. 

Let me repeat that.  Today is my 14^th wedding anniversary.  That is crazy to me.  It has been a bumpy ride with lots of peaks and valleys.  I feel like I should have great advice to give on what makes a marriage work.  I don’t.   I can say, marriage is not always easy.  It takes work just like any relationship.  Sometimes it takes a lot.  Each person needs to strive to give 100%.  That saying marriage is 50/50 is bullshit.  Divorce is 50/50 (or something like that).  But since it is not possible to give 100% all the time you have to adapt.  When one person is not able to do their part the other has to pick up the slack.

Most of us know love, respect, communication and FUN are all important too.  Without them we cannot build a strong foundation.        

I have more to say but it will have to wait for another day.  It is time to go enjoy my anniversary dinner.

Sorry today is so short but I'm sure you understand and will hopefully cut me some slack ;)

Until tomorrow

P.S.  I have made it 10 days straight blogging!  My son informed me tonight that if I do this every day for a year then I will have written a book.  I think he’s over confident but I love how his mind works. 

The Search Begins

I don’t know where to start tonight or how much I really want to divulge at this time.  I guess I will just see where this leads.

I am about to start a new journey and I’m terrified and excited and anxious and and and…

I’ve really taken to heart lately all this live each day to the fullest, tell family and friends how you feel and to make time for those that are important.  That is what is setting off this journey for me. 

Time is of the essence and we only have one life.  We should be required to make it the best and live each day achieving whatever the hell we want to.  If staying in bed all day watching movies or running a marathon or whatever is what we truly want to do then we should do it!  It is not a waste of time if we enjoy it.  No matter what anyone else thinks.  It is our life and we must live it however we want.

Ok here it goes.  I have started searching for a person that has been missing in my life.  This person does not know I exist.  That sounds funny but it is true.  No, that does not make me a stalker but a person that has been missing a part of herself for her entire life.   I am not ready to share more details than that but feel you deserve at least a hint of what I’m up to.

One of my biggest issues is going to be patience.  I am not a very patient person.  I want things to happen immediately and that’s just not always possible.   This could be a very long journey and I need to prepare myself for that.  I also need to watch my expectations.  Despite the 500,001 ways I’ve already dreamt up, I do not know how this will end.  I am not in control and I need to embrace that.  Have I mentioned that I am also a bit of a control freak?!   This is going to be another hold on to your seat and lean into the curves kinda ride. 

I intend to share my journey here and I hope to receive encouragement along the way.  I am going to need it as this will be emotional and scary.  I am not good at vulnerable but that is exactly what I am making myself.  I intend to share everything that isn’t overly personal.  Plus, I want to have a record of the journey so when I do find the person I can show them the path I took. 

Thank you.

 Until tomorrow

Together with Love 2015

Today I ran my first race of the year.  It also happens to be the first one I’ve done in a long time.  It was to support the Monterey County Rape Crisis Center and I am always happy to support them.   It was the Together with Love race which is an out and back 5K or 10K in beautiful Pacific Grove, California.  The most wonderful part is they raised almost $35,000!

Pacific Grove, CA

Race day got real when I realized I had to set my alarm for an early morning.  I actually had to get up before my weekday call time.  Why do I do this again? 

After closing my eyes for what felt like 2.4 minutes I awoke to the beautiful sound of my alarm and howling wind.  My suspicion that it was going to be a rain race seemed to be confirmed. 

When we were about to head out the door I realized I still had not found my wireless ear buds or my armband and I was reminded why I used to always prepare the night prior.  Maybe I should have spent more time on overall preparedness instead of picking out the perfect race day outfit.  Some lessons must be learned the hard way.  Luckily, I found some sport buds hiding on a bookshelf.  My son reclaimed the ones I’d stolen from him and I was afraid I wasn’t going to have any. 

We arrived to the race location just after it started raining.  I walked around watching the volunteers set-up and chatting with friendly faces while hiding under my umbrella.  It was great to see so much enthusiasm even with the sporadic rains. 

natural beauty

I met up with my PIC (loving nickname which stands for partner in crime), got decked out with my IRUN4Jolie branding, quick photo op and then we headed to the start line.  That is when the heavy rain started.  It felt pretty good and made a beautiful sky but was short lived.  By the time the race started I was already dried out. 

My PIC

rain arrived as if on cue

It was exciting starting the race with my son. He was looking forward to placing in his age group and took off immediately.  I caught a glimpse of him shortly after he reached the turn-around point.  When he saw me he crossed over and we were able to high-five as we passed.  That was awesome!  It was probably the highlight of the race.  He ended up in 7^th pace and I am very proud of him. 

**Back to me**

The first half mile I felt great.  I wasn’t even sweating (shocking, I know!) and I was at a pretty quick pace.  I felt like I was going to PR and that got me pumped up.  I could not wait to be able write that here tonight.   Sadly, it didn’t happen.

Somewhere between mile 1 and 1.5 there was a water station and that threw me off.  I grabbed a water and took a couple sips without slowing my pace by much.  This led to me wearing part of it but that was ok.  I welcomed the coolness.  After the turn around I was running into the wind and it seemed I was on a constant incline.  I questioned why I love running, how I’m going to complete a half in a couple months and reminded myself that I used to run more miles than this on an almost daily basis.  I was sad for the ground I’ve lost but encouraged knowing I can get back to it.   At some point I thought about Jolie, the little girl I run for, and that got me to pick up my pace again.  I also thought about my family and their health issues and how they can’t do this right now so I should for them.   

I took 13^th in my age group and was close to setting a new 5K record but it just wasn’t meant to be today.  I did my best and I’m proud of myself.  My pace was really great and I can’t wait to get some more miles on my shoes.  That’s how it is with most every race, I question why I do it until it’s over and then I can’t wait for the next one. 



Official Results

Next up was FOOD!  We went to a little, locally owned restaurant to have brunch and I had 2, yes 2 mimosas and a giant BLAT (bacon, lettuce, avocado and tomato) sandwich.  YUMM-O!  It was heavenly and I enjoyed every bit. 
 


I ended the afternoon with a little nap with a crackling fire and the rain continuing its sporadic down pours. 

Today was a good day.

Until Tomorrow

 

 

Support

It is fitting that I pulled 1000 lbs of weight yesterday.  It’s kind of representative of my life.  It was difficult and I was slow but I was able to conquer it.  I recently wrote that I feel like I have weights on my chest trying to hold me down and each time I get stronger and am about to throw them off someone comes along and adds more.   This doesn’t break me it just makes me stronger but sometimes I wish things could just be easy. 

I see this with so many people.  Many are going through hard times right now.  They feel like just as they start to stand up something comes along and knocks them down.  It saddens me to see all the pain, confusion and lost souls.  I wish I could help each of them but most are on a journey of healing that has to start from the inside.  My hope is that they know I am behind them cheering them on and ready to catch them if they start to fall.  I’m here to support them in every way I can.  I believe in each of them and I know they will successfully conquer their trials.  I try to remind them of how amazing and strong they are and how they’ll get through these difficult times.  Sometimes it falls on deaf ears but I keep repeating it because eventually it will sink in. 

Often people think their problem isn’t as bad as someone else’s so they shouldn’t feel how they do.  That’s ridiculous to me.  Comparison gets you nowhere whether with struggles or successes.  All it does is breed guilt, insecurity and more comparison.   

I’ll end with this poem I stumbled across the other day

At times when I am feeling low,

I hear from a friend and then
My worries start to go away
And I am on the mend

In spite of all that doctors know,

And their studies never end
The best cure of all when spirits fall
Is a kind note from a friend

-John Wooden    

My request of you today is to remind someone they do not have to face life alone.   

Until Tomorrow

1000 Pounds

Tonight I pulled a 1000 pound sled.  Yes that is 3 zeros!  It was slow and difficult but I did it!  I am so proud of myself!

See the snail trail behind the sled? Shows how far I moved it.

 

Part of the reason why I was able to do this is because my trainer believed I could.  I had doubt but was willing to try.  My willingness + his belief = success.  Sometimes just knowing that someone else believes in you can make the seemingly impossible possible. 

I urge you to surround yourself with people that believe in you. 

It makes the world of difference.

Sweet Dreams

Create Change

At some point in their lives

1 in 4 women have been sexually assaulted

1 in 6 men have been sexually assaulted

1 in 5 women have been sexually assaulted while in college

Those are staggering statistics

Yet there is still a stigma attached to it.  We often don’t want to talk about it.  It makes us uncomfortable.  We ignore it. 

How is this possible given the statistics?

Yes, we’ve made progress.  Yes, there is more attention on the topic than previously.  Yes, things are slowly changing.  We still have so far to go.  

What I don’t understand is why we as a society aren’t doing more to change it.  Why aren’t we talking about it?  Why is there still so much shame associated?  Survivors of sexual assault didn’t ask for it.  It wasn’t because of something they wore, or the way they looked or a flirty smile or anything they did.  It’s because the person that assaulted them decided to harm them.  A crime was committed against them. 

What does matter is it is happening. 

We need to empower the survivors and we need to educate! 

We can all make a difference by talking about it, educating ourselves and others and by letting it be known we will not tolerate it.  We can take a stand and we can create change. 

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am thankful everyday that I am associated with our local Rape Crisis Center.  I am thankful that I am able to educate.  I am thankful that I am able to help a person in need.  I am thankful that I can be there.  But I wish there wasn’t a need.   

To all Survivors and especially to all the clients I’ve helped over the years – You are strong, amazing, brave individuals that left a mark on my heart.  I am always in awe of your courage.

Good Night.