Bending

This isn’t going to be a feel good blog today so if that’s what you are looking for you should stop reading right now. 

Still here?

Great!  This will be an honest writing of how I am feeling right now.  Not the public face I put out to the world but the additional truth behind it.  Not that I’m fake or deceptive but I don’t want to spill all the stress I am dealing with all over.  Who does? People have enough of their own stuff when they have a few minutes to get online, they want to see things that inspire, motivate, make them smile and feel all warm and fuzzy.  At least that’s what I am usually looking to find.  Everything I put out there is a side of me but remember what you see on social media is only what people choose for you to see. 

So!  You are still here…  Last chance to click away and go find a happy place.  I can refer a few if you need it.

My life is spinning right now.  I am under a shit ton (that’s a legit form of measurement) of stress and I’m working hard to stay on top of it.  I’m not going to go into a lot of details but more on how they affect me.  My mantra this week  is “Bending. Not Breaking”  If I can continue to bend I’ll come back stronger and better than ever.  That’s my goal and when I’m determined I can make anything happen. 

I am lucky to have a few close friends that are always there.  They know that I pull away and try to hide when I’m feeling overwhelmed and fighting my battles.  They are respectful but also tell me to knock my shit off and that they need me too.  They are the ones that on a spare of the moment make time to drag me out for a drink. The ones when they ask if I’m ok, knowing I'm not, drop everything to listen when I say no.   They may not know the right words but know just being there is enough.  The ones that make me laugh and build up my self-esteem when I’m hitting bottom.  The ones that still love me when I am depressed, lost and completely self-consumed.  The ones that send me funny texts just to remind me that I can always laugh.  They’re life-long and I’m lucky.

I’ve battled depression a large part of my life.  That’s not what this is.  Yes, I am feeling down and struggling but it’s different than all those years where life was bleak and I had to fight the fog and struggled to function.  This is me dealing with more than I am sure my shoulders can handle but they are circumstance and results of choices I have made.  Some were choices I actually thought through and brought to fruition and some are from avoidance.   Either way I was a participant.  I am not a victim and I will never play that role.  I am an active participant in my life and I will own my responsibilities.

I’m also dealing with living so far away from my family.  A few years ago a very close family member faced some serious health issues.  It was devastating to me to be so far away and completely helpless.  There was hardly anything I could do from here and all I could do was make contact on a consistent basis and hope I could make some small difference.  That person recently had another health issue and it killed me to not be able to drop everything and run to their side.  Plus, they needed some sense knocked into them.  Some people are just too stubborn for their own good.  I can say that because I’m one of them.      

Bottom line is I’m struggling but I’m going to be okay.  You always find what you are looking for and what you put out to the universe comes back.  Overall, I am a happy person and I choose to focus on the positive.  I choose to smile and find the fun in each day.  Sometimes I just have to take a moment and realize I’m struggling and that ignoring it doesn’t make it go away.  Ignoring it also stifles my creativity and I can't be having that his month, now can I?

Remember, life is a journey filled with peaks and valleys.  You have to learn to enjoy the ride and use what’s thrown at you as fuel.