I've come to the
realization lately that I've let other people control how I live my life.
I didn't do it intentionally and if you'd said it six months ago, I would've
fought you on it and been pissed that you had the audacity to say the words.
(In fact, I've probably had a similar blog post previously.) I've felt
independent but in reality I allowed the idea of what my life should be to
dictate how I lived it. I was raised in the bible belt with strict
guidelines on how things should be. You conduct yourself in a certain
way... you grow up and get married.... you have kids... you do this, you do
that, etc. Church every Sunday morning, night and Wednesday night. You
love and fear God and make all decisions based on his word. It's
interesting because these guidelines were there but impossible to live
by. The people around me did the best they could but they weren't perfect.
Who is? We're all human. I'd see them crying and kneeling and
begging for forgiveness, only to stand up the next day and perpetrate the same
sins again. I never questioned it. I didn't know I was supposed
to. I didn't know I was allowed to. Over the last 20+ years I've
slowly grown to understand there are many ways to live a good, healthy life and
every time I get there I realize I have so much growing to do. I've back
slid in many ways but overall I have forward motion.
Now, I find myself in another difficult, life changing scenario and beginning to question everything again. It's scary and wonderful and challenging and really f'ing hard. That's why I need to start this blog again. I need to have an outlet and not hold myself back. I need to be confident and honest and make the best of this life. It's cliche but it's the only one I have and I don't want to look back and continue to have regrets.
The coping mechanisms
I've learned are helpful but I don't want to use them. I want to bury my
head in the sand or under the covers. I want to hide and hope the
solutions find themselves. I want to do this but I can't. I owe it
to myself to show up, to feel, to move forward even if I'm crawling. I
owe it to myself to put my phone down and to open up to people that can be
present for me. I owe it to myself to recognize the anxiety, fear and
other emotions, to call them out and to work through them. Life can be
hard but I can do this.
