Dear Universe

I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. I feel like I’ve become one of THOSE people. You know, those people that seem to have drama haunting them. It's as if it is chasing me down and beating me over the head. I’m constantly dealing with outside negativity and feeling the need to defend myself. Frankly, it’s exhausting and I’m over it. I do not want drama in my life and if you honestly believe my intentions are anything other than positive, you don’t know me and I don't need you.

So to the universe, I say this...
I will go about daily activities happy, healthy, laughing and with great friends
I will have more social interaction with people and I do not mean through social media
I will spend less time on social media
I will focus on the positive
I will face my insecurities and continue to step out of my comfort zone
I will see the internal and physical changes I desire
I will spend more quality time with the people I enjoy and are important to me
I will nurture those friendships
I will laugh more
I will let go of the dead weight and those that bring negativity into my life
I will do something creative every day
I will accept my true self.

A Reason or a Season

I’ve never been a person that did things with expectation of a return favor or huge thanks. I’ve always done things out of the kindness of my heart. I see a need and I want to help. I don’t need credit or recognition for it. I actually despise being the center of attention. I don’t have a running tally in my head saying there’s one more point for me! The act of filling a need is enough for me. It’s what warms my heart and makes me feel good about me.

With that said, I do believe friendship is a two-way street. I’m currently struggling with, have been for a couple of years, a dissolving friendship. I have (had?) a friend that went through a rough time, and still is. I believe part of it is brought on by her choices made long ago. Her actions set things in motion that she never could have expected. Had she realized, I know she would’ve made different decisions. For a long time, I was there by her side, trying to help her piece things back together. I listened, tried to build her up, put a roof over her head, fed her (food and drinks) and tried to give and be whatever she needed at the time. Nothing spectacular just the things I envision any good friend would do. We were the best of friends and in my eyes that’s what they do.

Then came a difficult time in my life. I found her pulling away from me and unwilling or unable to be there for me. There were no calls, texts, questions on how things were going. Not even a Facebook message to let me know she was thinking of me. There was barely a reaction when I first told her what was going on, no questions on specifics or if I needed anything. I felt like my life was falling apart and there was nothing I could do control what was happening. My expectation of her was a shoulder, someone to be strong for me and listen while I cried and wrapped my mind around what my family was facing and how I was helpless to assist. I didn’t think that was too much to ask of a friend. But what did I get? Nothing. Zilch. Zero. Everything stopped. Not only was I left alone to navigate through things but I was also being replaced. She suddenly had a new person she leaned on and stopped initiating all communication with me.

Every once in a while I would see something that would make me want to check in with her. I’d send a quick text asking how things were and if she needed anything I was there and I hoped things were improving, etc. I got very little in return. I eventually quit trying.

I grew to accept it and realized not everyone is the same; not everyone thinks of friendship like I do. That people have different abilities even when it comes to what type of friendship they offer. That she most likely gave me all that she was capable and that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. I have a lot of fond memories of fun times with her. When I look back at our friendship, I hope I will one day only remember the good things and the rest will drift away. She taught me important lessons and for that I am grateful. I wish her nothing but the best and hope she finds the relief and happiness of which she is in constant search.