Cassie

I wrote this back in September.  Due to many circumstances I did not get it uploaded until today. 

I have not written in a long time.  Life has been busy and I have not made time for it.  I miss it but it is not a priority.  I am not going to say I do not have time.  Life is about priorities.  We have time for what we make a priority.  So today, when I have a million other priorities, I am taking this morning and writing.  I am taking a few moments for myself to share something very personal.

Yesterday I lost a dear family member.  I had not seen her in many years and had not talked to her in months, maybe over a year.  She was way too young to pass and it is unfair.  She had been battling cancer, had been so brave and strong but it was her time. 

I am sad for all the obvious reasons.  I am also heartbroken because I did not make her a priority in my life.  As children we were close.  Even though I am a bit older than her, we still had fun together.  She is the one cousin I was closest to.  The only one close enough to my age that we played together. 

I do not know much about her adult life.  I know she has children.  I have met one.  I know bits of things from the last time we talked when she updated me on her life.  Sadly, I do not know much.  I spent some of yesterday reading posts about her on Facebook.  Reading what those closest to her had to say.  Learning about what a wonderful woman she had blossomed into.  It made me sad that I did not make the time to know this beautiful woman.  It made me sad that it is too late.  It made me feel guilty to mourn. 

Mostly, it made me realize I need to make more time for those I love.  I need to make them a priority.  Yes, my life is extremely busy but there is always time.  I do not want to live with regrets or looking backward. 

Today, I put on a smile and I prepare for a night of fun and laughter.  Here’s to you my dear.  May you live forever in the hearts of those that love you. 

Until next time.

17 Years

It’s that time again.  It’s the anniversary of when I moved to California.  17 years ago tonight I watched Titanic with the man I loved, finished packing and said our good-byes.  The next day he drove me to the airport and I left for California.  The plan was to live here for 6 months.  Obviously, plans changed and here I am 17 years later. 

I know I’ve written about this a few times.  When the anniversary rolls around, I can’t help but think back over that time in my life.  1998 was probably one of the worst years of my life if you look at all around bad.  I’ve had many difficult years prior and since; some of the events have been far worse than anything I experienced in 1998 but that is the only year I can truly say I hit bottom. 

I was in a relationship that wasn’t healthy for either of us, I was homeless and wearing out my welcome at a friend’s, I had lost so much and was turning away from those most important to me.  I was on a path of destruction but was too deep in the middle to see just how bad.  I was doing a lot of things that could’ve led to my life being much different. 

I sometimes wonder where I would be now if I’d declined the offer, or not agreed to the terms, when given the opportunity to come to California.  I don’t reflect because I regret my decision.  I try to never live with regrets.  I do it because I look at every choice I make as if I am standing at a Y in the road.  Each path is full of possibility.  There will be rough patches but it will be what I make it.

So tonight I look back on that time in my life with fond memories.  It may have been a crazy, effed up time but it led me to here.    

Until Next Time

P.S. Last night my son told me he can make no promises to snuggle me forever because some day he will be a grown man living in Hawaii and I'll be in a senior home. 

Soul Food

This whole not getting to the gym bullshit has sucked.  I only made it two nights last week.  Mom duties and volunteer duties come first but I miss it.  I miss my friends, the weights, the endorphins and the soreness.  I don’t think I said I was sore once this week.  I can’t remember the last time I went a day without saying it.

I knew working out 6 days a week wasn’t going to last but it snuck up on me. 

So after being bummed last night about missing so much gym time and realizing next week will be just as bad,  this morning it dawned on me that this can be a good thing.  WHAT?!  How is that?

WELL…. I have needed to find more time to run and this may force that.  I can control that easier than I can the gym time.  Perhaps this is the universe’s way of telling me “that half is quickly approaching and since you weren’t making the time to run and weight train, I’ll take away your weights several days a week and then you’ll be forced to run!”  That sounds like something the universe would say, right?  Especially after I’ve been telling it I need to make time.

This leads me to my plan to run this morning.  I was going to get up and get out there by 7 or 7:30.  Guess what… I woke up at 7 with a lot of excuses.  Yes, they are excuses (I’ll admit it but they’re really good) and I listened to them.  A year or two ago I would have felt bad about taking this day, especially after all the training I’ve missed recently but I decided I needed this and I will embrace it.

If I don’t have enough down time or ‘me time’ I tend to get cranky, on edge and not be a fun person to be around. (much like when I’m hungry) I recognize this in myself.  As much as I love all I have going on right now, I still have to find some time to calm the world around me and to get centered.  Eventually, I lose the ability to function properly until I hit that reset button. 

Running and the gym give me a different kind of reset.  They make me feel great and feed a part of my soul.   Just like our bodies need different foods to thrive so does my soul.  As I have mentioned before, I am really an introvert living an extrovert’s life.

2 blog posts in one day!  I kinda cheated though.  I’ve been working on the other one for a couple of days.  This one is fresh.

Until Next Time

P.S.  This afternoon I am spending time with amazing and gorgeous (inside and out) women.  That too will feed my soul in a way that only time with other women can.  It’s so easy to focus on the negatives in my life but I have so much positive.  I am blessed and sharing here reminds me of just how much.    

Escaped

Hey Hey Hey!  It’s been a couple of days.

Thursday I filmed my first ever PSA.  Who knew I could act?  Not me and not the video crew. It took about 30 minutes but I finally nailed my line.  I hope I made the cut and will be on TV.  I’m also super nervous about it.  I might be on television!  I’ll write more about that experience when it gets closer to April.  April is Sexual Assault Awareness month and the PSA is related. 

Friday, I got a break from that big project I’m working on.  When asked if I wanted to escape the office for a couple hours, grab lunch on the Monterey Fisherman’s Wharf and check on some jobsites in Pebble Beach, I jumped at the opportunity.  You don’t have to ask me twice if I want to get fresh air and enjoy a beautiful day.  Monterey, Pebble Beach and the Ocean did not disappoint.

 

At the top of the wharf

 

His and Hers lunch - Clam Chowder for the win

Must go back and try these soon

 

Pebble Beach - no filter needed

Blessed to enjoy this view

 I got back to the office just in time to finish a small part of the project.  I am almost half way through and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

On Thursday I finally made it to the gym for the first time this week.  Being that it is the first week of the month, I had to complete benchmark.  Benchmark is 100 reps of each of the following; sit-ups, push-ups, australian pull-ups and body weight squats.  I dropped 1 minute and 5 seconds off last month's time finishing in 15 minutes and 5 seconds.  I was 11 seconds off my best time ever but I’ve increased the difficulty of the sit-ups.  I am now doing inclines instead of flat on the ground.  The transition between the exercises is where I am losing the most time but I’m still improving and I’m super stoked.  I gave everything I had and with the ‘cheering’ on of my trainer, I am more than happy with the results.  I pushed hard and feel I gave it everything I had.  I don’t think I could have done any better this month.  It took me about 20 minutes to fully recover but then I was able to work on my pull-ups.  I’m getting close again and still keep that as one of my main goals.

I also found out this week that I have been accepted as a Stride Box Ambassador.  I am super excited to work with and promote them.  I love the boxes I receive monthly and can’t wait to build a stronger relationship with them.  If you follow my social media, be on the look out for upcoming surprises.  I’ll be giving honest feedback on the products I receive and other fun stuff.  I can’t wait to share more!

Lastly, it is finally March that means I get to be on the judging panel for the Community Service Awards this year.  If you remember, I won the Adult Service Award last year for my work with the Monterey Country Rape Crisis Center.  It was a shining moment for me (except when I tried to give a speech) and this year I get to be a part of the selection group.   I am incredibly honored and excited.  I love seeing the amazing things people in our community are doing.  Surrounding myself with greatness rocks!

 

Until Next Time

P.S. Taking 2 days off from writing sucked!  I missed it.  It has become as important to me as coffee.  Okay, maybe not that important but I hope I never have to choose between the two. 

Middle School

Do you remember what it was like to be in middle school?  No?  If you’re like me then it has been a really long time.  Over the last few months I have been trying to delve into that part of my brain and remember as much as possible. 

It is like a switch went off in my son.  He’s still that loving, hilarious, smart, amazing boy that he was a few months ago but he is also changing.  They are normal changes and he is going through many both physically and mentally.  He is growing into himself, developing his identity and moving into the next part of his journey.  It is amazing and difficult to watch. 

I want to be able to cuddle him and protect him from the world.  I know I have to let him grow and change.  I have to let him grow-up.  I’m just not ready yet.  Every time I am ‘allowed’ to hug him, I hold on as long as possible.  I know we are heading into those years where that isn’t cool.  I just hope they are short lived and he realizes EVERYONE needs hugs from their mom.

He is having new experiences and making friends I’ve never met.  He is dealing with things that I haven’t faced since watching after school specials and some that didn’t even exist back then.  I can only hope that he has taken to heart all those times I’ve told him I am always here.  That he can come to me with anything and we can talk about it.  That even if I am disappointed in behaviors, I will always love him and there isn’t anything he can do that will ever change that. 

We have a night time routine, the same one we’ve had since I got him out of my bed and into his.  Right now, he still embraces it and every day I look forward to it.  I try to never skip a night.  On the rare occasion that I am not home until after he goes to bed, I creep into his room and still go through the actions.  He may never know but I do and I hold every one of the nights tight and treasure them.

Until Next Time

P.S.  I got the results of the mammogram and I am all clear!

SHARKS

Last night I attended my first professional hockey game at the Shark Tank aka SAP Center in San Jose, CA.  I  was invited me to tag along as a fifth wheel and I jumped at the opportunity.  I can check another item off my list of firsts.

We had dinner at The Old Spaghetti Factory.  I wasn’t impressed by the food or the service but they had these amazing chairs.  I was able to sit on my throne.  No one bowed to me.  Maybe next time now that they know who I am. 

During the game, I had no clue what was going on but was on the edge of my seat waiting for a fight.  I thought that was what hockey games were all about.  Unfortunately, the refs kept getting in the way.  So I just enjoyed a beer and a few nachos instead.  The Sharks won 4-0 against the Canadiens (I spelled that right, I checked). 

 On the way back to the car I saw this.  I had never seen on like this before and it was really cool to check out (from a distance) but I’d have to be in dire need to ever touch anything in it. 

I got to bed after midnight and still had to get up early.  There is a reason why I don’t go out on work nights.  It was worth the yawns and extra coffee today.  I’d do it again in a heartbeat. 


Until Next Time

P.S.  I saw this at a pit stop on the way home. 

 

Trail Run

Last night I got to celebrate new beginnings with my partner in crime (PIC) and other great friends.  It was a night full of joy and laughter.  I am so blessed.

 Today, I crawled my butt out of bed and met another friend for a trail run at 7 am.  It had been awhile since I’d seen her and I was excited when she invited me.  She is amazing and runs often.  It was our first time running together and I was nervous about holding her back.  Turns out there was no reason to be concerned.  We all paced ourselves and met up at a T in the trail.  They were doing 16 miles to my 6 so we split up at mile 3.  I took this pic as I was turning to go on my own private little trail.

 

 

Let’s back track just a bit.  The first two miles were almost completely uphill.  I ended up walking a lot more than I expected because of a weird pinching pain in my lower back.  This time it was on the opposite side of my normal sciatic/piriformis pain.  My mantra became my back doesn’t hurt.  Figured that was better than focusing on how much it did hurt.  At mile two I got a little relief and started a flatter/down hill section. 

Miles 2-5.25 were great.  I felt like I could run forever.  I was even thinking about repeating the loop.  I was on top of the world.  I wasn’t even THAT worried when the trail split again and I wasn’t 100% confident I had chosen the correct path.   Soon I started seeing people and familiar landmarks and knew I was headed in the right direction.  I also started having shoulder pain and fatigue - my body reminding me that I haven’t been running like I used to.   

Badger Hills Trail

As I was exiting the trail, I checked my tracker and realized I was at 5.91 miles.  WHAT! I had to hit 6 miles.  So I ran a little extra.  Then decided if I was going to do 6, I might as well do 6.2.  Completing a 10k is WAY better than only doing 6 miles. 

I experienced another first today… 

I ran the entire time without music.  I actually had to listen to my breathing.  Didn’t die. (duh)  It was actually kind of nice.  It was just my breathing, the crunch of the trail under my shoes and nature.  Talk about therapy!  It definitely cleared my head.  It was amazing.  Except for that weird skunk smell…

I noticed people on the trail were friendly.  Everyone said hi or good morning and usually with a smile.  The run ended with me feeling great and accomplished.  I drove away considering how soon I can get out there again. 

When I got home I crawled back in bed for a bit then met a friend for coffee and grocery shopped.  YAY FOOD!!

Starbucks and Sun - yes, please!

My weekend was busy and full of love and experiences.  I am now ready to face what Monday will bring.

Until Next Time

P.S.  I spent almost two hours doing laundry I have avoided over the last couple of weeks.  Ridiculous, I know!  I was catching up on the DVR at the same time.  Multi-tasking for the win!   

Completed

Once this is posted, I will have blogged 28 days straight.  I will have made it the entire month of February.  I am super stoked and relieved. 
 
There were times that I had to force myself to write.  February was a crazy month for me.  Probably not much different than any other, if I’m honest but it felt insane.

I dealt with allergies/illness, other health concerns (my own and family), tons of extra stress with work and personal issues, my 14^th wedding anniversary, I was on call 5 times with one call out, board meeting, birthday parties, worked out 6 days a week almost every week, found some time to run, completed the instagram challenge #poseswithroses, worked full time, and so much more. 

I made this list to prove we are all busy.  Each one of us has a list like this, some are probably longer.  You know what this proves to me though?  If you make something a priority you make the time for it.  There were days I didn’t get to write until after midnight so it wasn’t officially daily but I count it based on sleep.  If I hadn’t slept then the day wasn’t over.  There were times I was falling asleep while typing but I still did it.  I made a commitment to myself and I knew I had to follow through.  I had to prove to myself I could do it even when I was the only person counting on it. 

I think my writing improved as the month progressed.  I went through and read my last few entries again last night.  I had not done much proofing of them and I was pleasantly surprised.  I didn’t read all of them but my feeling is that when I stopped over-thinking is when they got better.  I just started putting my thoughts down.  This is a journal for me – a way to track my life. 

 
Will I continue to write every day?  I’m not sure yet.  There are some days that it truly is difficult to sit down and write.  However, I have gained so much and I want to retain it.  Finding the right balance is important, as always.  A month ago I really wanted to write but couldn’t get it out.  I finally broke through that and NEED to continue moving forward.  I love exploring this side of my creativity and sharing it with others.  I love the format of a blog as it can be whatever I make it.

 

Until Next Time

P.S.  This is blog post #102.  Holy shizzle!       

Judgment

I grew up in a very religious family.  We attended church every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night for many years.  I was taught to love God, prayer as a form of communication, treat others with love and respect and to pray for them.  I was not taught to judge others.    

Over the last several years I have grown away from the religion that I grew up with but still hold the values that were instilled in me.  I’ve questioned my belief in God, explored other religions and grown more spiritual and less religious.  I have done a lot of searching.  I don’t really have any more answers than I did when I started but I have learned many things.     

One of the biggest lessons has been that many Christians are extremely judgmental.  I can’t determine why.  It is not our job to judge others.  If you are Christian, I believe you share in my belief that one day we will stand before God and will be judged by him for our sins.  He is also the only one that can absolve us of them.  So, why do so many feel it is their responsibility to judge others?  What makes them the judge and jury?  What makes them think they can play God?  Is that not the ultimate sin? Even when thinly veiled with “I’m worried about you” or something along those lines.  We all sin differently.   Just because you see a person’s sins as worse than yours, doesn’t mean you are better than them.  So get off your high horse.   Stop judging and remember your place.  Judge not, that ye be not judged.  Matthew 7:1. 

People have to live their own lives and it is hard enough without feeling judgment from those that are supposed to be friends or family.  Before you point the finger take a long look at yourself.  What sins did you commit today? 

This may indeed seem that I am being judgmental.  Maybe I am in a way.  But honestly, I’m tired of the comments, looks and watching friends suffer because someone disapproves of their behavior.  If you do not like someone’s behavior and feel they are headed down the wrong path – pray for them.  You do not need to fix them or tell them how you disapprove.  If they’re not asking for help then get out of their way.  If associating with them somehow negatively affects you then separate yourself.  We all have to make the decisions in our life based on what is best for us.  Everyone deserves to be happy.  Everyone’s happiness looks different. 

FYI I am not talking about anything illegal, drug related or harmful.  I am talking about people that are just trying to do their best.  Maybe they are making relationship, business, family, etc decisions.  Maybe they are poor choices, maybe they’re not and you just think they are.  Maybe your own bias is playing a roll.  Ultimately we have to live with our own choices.  So goes the saying - you do you and I’ll do me.

Yes, in Christianity we have commandments and a Bible to follow but we still do not get to play judge.  It is not our place.

Until Tomorrow

P.S.  3 words- preteen boy drama.      

Nothing Important

Today is the first day in many that I’ve had to use daily notes to come up with something to write.  I think it is because I fried my brain working on some banking stuff at work.  I spent the entire day staring at numbers and trying to make them match.  It can be very tiring and frustrating when you are just a small amount off but can’t find the issue.  Reports make my eyes gloss over but they’re an important part of my job.  About 30 minutes before I could leave I reached a point that I just could not go on.  To be honest, I almost threw the file and the computer out the window.  Then walked out.  Of course, I visualized it but didn’t actually do it.  Sometimes visualizing is enough.  Not today but sometimes.  Instead, I made a cup of coffee and started writing.    

What I came up with through daily notes is I really do not have much to say today.  The week and the month are winding down and I can feel the energy levels dropping with it.  Most people at work and the gym seem to be moving in slow-motion.  Do you notice a drop in energy in your life around this time?  I can’t be the only one.  

I do have big plans to kick off the first of March.  I can’t wait to share it with you soon. 

I hope you have a wonderful night!

Until Tomorrow

P.S.  I love when I forget I have my ringer and vibration turned off on my phone and find 6 text messages.  Makes me feel more special than if I had gotten them one at a time

Success

There is so much success available out there.  I don’t believe you have to step on others to make it.  How do people find the time to focus on other people’s struggles and still find time to make themselves successful?  It seems that it would be counterproductive.  Yet people do it all the time.  I don’t think I would want success if it came at the cost of using other’s struggles.  I find it weak and disgusting.  Perhaps I am naïve.   

I would rather bust my butt, make connections and climb my way to the top.  I do believe it is a who-you-know world.  With a little help you can get farther faster.  I don’t think it is the only way but I do believe it helps.  Personally, I am not good at calling in favors or dealing with politics.  I don’t do things with expectation and I have a difficult time asking for help.  However, I have done it when I’ve really needed to.   It is a dance and takes finesse.  That finesse is developed over time and with practice.

My biggest issue with this game is I get awkward about it.  When I am nervous I make things awkward. I tend to say and do weird things.  I either get really quiet or say off the wall things.  It is like my nerves give me a mild case of tourettes.  After time I can look back and laugh at it but immediately after, it is a face palm moment.   Hopefully, I eventually learn to control it or accept it.

 

Until Tomorrow

P.S. Tonight starts a new season of Survivor.  I love watching it for the challenges.  They look like so much fun.   It is also the start of the new season of the Amazing Race.  That show stresses me out.  It is like a train wreck.  I can’t stop staring.   

Doctor Appointment

Today I had a doctor appointment for a breast check-up.  I’ve noticed a couple of things that are off and felt it better to be safe and get checked out.  I am confident that everything is fine but it is never a bad idea to check when something is abnormal.  Best case – I will be out a little time and money.  Worst case- well, I will deal with that when I need to.

He requested I have a follow-up mammogram and possibly an ultrasound.  His staff was nice enough to call the mammography center and schedule the appointment for me.  I thought that showed amazing patient care and gave me another reason to love this doctor.  Unfortunately, every time I have seen him, it has been under poor circumstances but he and his staff are truly amazing.  I will happily recommend him to everyone.

He is the same doctor that did my surgery in 2013.  Today was the first time I returned to his office since then.  I dreaded it but I coped well.  I focused on the reason I was there and going through those motions.  Sitting talking to him after the exam made me tear up.  I’m not sure if it was because of the emotion of the moment or a combination of the old and new.  I assume it was the combination.  Either way it was tough but I am tougher. 

I debated on sharing this story today.  It is very personal and I have not shared the information with many that are close to me.  At least not until now.  I do not want to raise any unnecessary concerns.

I decided to share after thinking others may be on the fence about getting something checked out.  For me it is a mind game.  I don’t want to feel silly or be seen as a drama queen or overreacting.  BUT after watching friends and family fight cancer, I feel it is necessary to be extra careful.  The sooner you know the easier the fight.  I would rather be extra careful and not ignore any potential warning signs.  Like I said, it is better to be safe than sorry.  I don’t want to look back and say if only I had checked sooner. 

It is crazy how life works.  Just when you think you cannot possibly handle one more thing BOOM another bomb drops.  I am about finished with these bombs.  My shoulders have enough wait on them, I feel like I’m being crushed.

Whatever the results next week, I will be okay.  This I know.  I get knocked down but I am never out. 

Until Tomorrow

 

P.S.  My son got poison oak while camping this weekend.  He’s extremely allergic and has a lot on his face.  Every time I yell at him to stop scratching, I start to itch.  Sympathy itching sucks too.       

Peace

Today I found a few minutes when I didn’t have something I had to do.  I was actually running ahead of schedule so I stopped by a local spot; soaked up the sun as it was setting, the smooth water and the view.  I could have chosen the ocean but this seemed fitting for my mood.  I needed something calming and to bring me peace. 

As usual my life is spinning and I needed it to slow down.  For that 5-10 minutes I was in slow motion.  I wasn’t thinking about the million other things I should have been doing, tomorrow’s troubles or over analizing.  I was completely in the moment.  That was a rare gem and I will cherish it for a long while.

Tomorrow is unknown, live each moment.  

 

Until Tomorrow

P.S. Today I was told I am appreciated and given specific reasons.  It was random and wonderful.  We should all do this more often.

Easy

I’m often writing about things that are difficult. So here are some things that are easy.

Staying in the shower until you run out of hot water
Snuggling by the fire
Lazy morning in bed with a cup of coffee and the remote
Skipping commercials
Dancing in the rain
Long talks with your best friends
Enjoying  a candle lit bubble bath
Paying it forward
Staying up all night reading a good book
Making someone feel special
Sunrises and Sunsets
Singing along to your favorite songs (even when they change the words on you)

What is something you find easy?

Until Tomorrow

P.S. I haven't turned my T.V  on this entire weekend.  That has to be a record.

They Talk

DAY 21

They say do something for 28 days and it becomes a habit.  I am getting close.  I can totally feel the habit forming. 

They also say fake it until you make it. 

They say a lot of things that are mostly designed to help motivate and give hope.  Keep you on your path and not giving up.  If it works then use it.  I have used both those phrases in an attempt to remind myself that I can do anything.   Sayings may be cliché and boring but if they trigger a positive reaction then use them anyway. Find what works and use it.

Those are my deep and profound thoughts for the day.

Until Tomorrow

P.S.  Texting is one of my favorite forms of communication ,too bad it doesn't come with a sarcasm font. 

One Year Later

Today is going to be quick and to the point.

Appreciate your friendships and nurture them.  We are not here for long and the memories we create with those we love and care about are one of the most important legacies we can leave.  It is what we have to hold on to when we lose those we love. 

Tonight I am going to celebrate the birthday of a great friend.  Her birthday last year was a huge stepping stone in my journey.  I went to her party where I didn’t really know anyone and stepped so far out of my comfort zone I’m still a little surprised I did it.  I also had a BLAST. 

It was only the second time I had met her and that night created a huge change in me.  I learned that spreading my wings leads to great things and I made a life-long friend.  Reflecting over the last year truly shows me just how far I have come.  Tonight I will celebrate her and how far I have come.

Until Tomorrow

P.S.  I am too old to attend adult birthday parties two weekends in a row.   

Poem

I recently wrote about how our thoughts have power.  This poem is a beautiful reminder   

Thoughts are Things

I hold it true that thoughts are things;
They’re endowed with bodies and breath and wings
And that we send them forth to fill
The world with good results, or ill.
That which we call our secret thought
Speeds forth to earths remotest spot,
And leaves its blessings or its woes
Life tracks behind it as it goes.
We build our future, thought by thought,
For good or ill, yet know it not.
Yet so the universe was wrought
Thought is another name for fate;
Choose then thy destiny and wait,
For love brings love and hate brings hate.

Heny Van Dyke

This was sent to me today and I have read it about a dozen times.  I continue to love it more and more each time. 

There is another poem very similar by Ella Wheeler Wilcox and I urge you to find it and read it.  It starts the same but is longer.  I haven't researched to determine which came first but it is obvious one of them copied the other.  They are both beautiful.  I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

Until Tomorrow.

P.S.         Conversation with a coworker:
                What do you do, Amber?  Cardio? Kickboxing?
                I weight train
                hahahaha no, really?
                Really
              “OH” and walked away

 

 

 

 

 

 

To Race or Not to Race

I have lost my mind.  You probably already know that but I just figured it out… again.  How?  I received an email today about a local half marathon coming up in August and I’m considering signing up for it BEFORE THE PRICE goes up.  I did this one a couple years ago and it’s a nice race.  There are a lot of hills but it ends at a winery.  That is definitely a perk BUT (there is always a but) I have not been training like I should for the race I am already registered for in May.  I have not figured out how to prioritize my time yet but I am getting there.  Kinda.    

The question is do I really want to register for another?  I am having some doubt in my capabilities.  Well, not exactly my capabilities, as I know if I register I will finish it.  I just don’t want to struggle through it and be under trained.  I don’t want to walk away struggling like I did at the end of 2013.  Maybe this is just my fear rearing its ugly head.   I feel I failed once and I am nervous to try again. I know, I know all the logic here on why I need to not fear failure.  You do not have to tell me.    

To help me decide what to do, I am going to make a pros and cons list.  I do this often when I struggle with decisions.  Usually it helps me to see the answer in simple black and white instead of letting it get all mixed up in my head.

PROS

Bling!
Bonus: Wine glass – it’ll give me a matching pair
Another notch on my half belt
It is reasonably priced
Lots of friends running it
Showing my fear where it belongs (this may be the only reason I need)
Did I mention more BLING

CONS

Training
Tough Course
Getting up super early on race morning

Seems I have a lot more pros than cons.  Think this has made my decision?  Not quite yet but I am leaning toward just doing it already.  I will let you know when I register, if I do.   Thank you for being a sounding board.

Until Tomorrow

P.S.  My son boosting my self-esteem today: her mom is older than you but she looks younger, I’m going to use it to comb your leg hair and I call you puppy because they are sweet, cute and fluffy just like you.   

Today I Struggled

I struggled a lot today.  I struggled with having a page on Facebook that opens me up to scrutiny.  I struggled with knowing I was going to have to write tonight and not feeling positive.  I struggled with the overwhelming feeling that I’m not good enough.  I struggled with wanting to quit everything I am working toward because I am afraid I will fail.  There’s a long list but I’ll stop there.  

For the majority of the day I hid in my office, shut off from everyone.  It was better for me and anyone that might cross my path.  I kept myself busy working on a big project but it started to remind me of how shitty some people are.  How they portray themselves as one thing but are really just giant pieces of fake.

Yes, this day overwhelmed and disheartened me.  Feeling betrayed and like you are not good enough are horrible feelings.  

I have a day like this every month.  It always sneaks up on me too.  You would think I would be ready and prepared since I know it is coming but it really is a sneaky fucker.  It’s like a damn jack-in-the-box and I don’t mean the fast food chain.  Though that can sneak up on you too.

So here I am feeling sorry for myself and looking forward to getting to the gym to improve my mood and BOOM I read this BLOG that reminds me of my badassery.  So I pick myself up, dust myself off and remind myself that little voice telling me everything I wrote in the first paragraph is bullshit and feeding it is ridiculous.  It doesn’t matter what people think.  I know me.  I know my intentions.  I am good enough.  I do a make a positive difference.  Maybe, I can’t be positive all the time.  Who is?  Maybe sharing all this will in some way help others and if not that’s fine.  This is my day and all I can do is learn from it.  Looking forward.

I also PR’d my deadlift today!

Until Tomorrow.

P.S.  Taking away television and electronics from my son has become my consequence also.  After round 785 of what would you do if… I had to call it quits and allow him 2 desserts.   I am not proud.

Writing Commitment Update

I am 16 days in and still enjoying all this writing.  I look forward to it and dread it all day.  I look forward to it because I’m enjoying the challenge and actually writing.  I dread it because I never know what I am going to write about and because I’m usually exhausted by the time I get a chance to start.  I also fear that I may be sacrificing quality for quantity.  Either way I am committed to finishing out this month. 

At first I spent my days randomly thinking about what I was going to write about and stressing a tad.  Thinking I needed to have a topic I could really speak about in great detail and type out some big profound or motivating post that was several paragraphs long. 

One thing I have learned- when I allow myself to just sit and write it flows more easily.  Who knew that over thinking would inhibit my creativity?  That was rhetorical.  I know a few people and one in particular told me this repeatedly.  Here is your “I told you so” moment, go ahead and take it.  Remember though, I am stubborn and I have to learn on my own timing.

I am still using daily notes some but they are shorter and less frequent now.  I consider that a sign of progress.  Luckily, progress, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder and comes in many shapes and sizes.   Any progress is positive and I will gladly accept it.

Whether you have stuck with me through this or if you just happened to stumble across me, I am glad you are here.  Thank you.  I appreciate you.

Enjoy the rest of your day.

Until Tomorrow

P.S. In two days I have become a Trivia Crack addict.  You should find me on there so we can play together.  It’ll be fun.  Lots and lots of fun. 

Excuses

What is your number one goal and how do you plan to achieve it?  Think about that and really consider what is most important to you.  Career? Family? Fitness Competition?  It can be anything.

For years the number one thing for me was to be able to have another baby.  That didn’t happen and now it can’t.  But I did everything I could to try.  Yes, it took me time to be open to some of the avenues we chose but in the end, I feel we did everything we could.  It is still painful but I can look at the journey and know I tried everything but I used a lot of excuses along the way.  I made excuses because I was scared.   Perhaps if I had not made so many excuses I would not have devoted 10 years of my life to disappointment after disappointment. 

I get so frustrated when I hear people say “I don’t have time” or  “you don’t understand…” and a number of other excuses why they can’t reach their goals.  You know what? I think they are usually crap.  Typically the excuse is a cover for some reason you are avoiding going after your goals.  Perhaps you don’t even realize it but if something is truly a priority to you, you will find a way to make it happen.  You will.   Yes, we all have responsibilities and legit reasons we may have to pause.  The difference is how long you allow that pause. 

Life is not just about our responsibilities.  If we are only working, doing chores, errands or whatever, we are not living.  We have to make time for the things that are important to us.  If we don’t we are going to wake up one day and have missed out on a lot of living. 

I give up a lot of time with my friends and some with my family because I choose to workout 6 days a week.  That is a priority to me.  I make time for that and I have a lot of physical goals I want to achieve.  I am making that conscious choice.  Not everyone can understand that and some of my relationships have suffered.  That has been rough but I have to make my decisions based on my needs. 

Exercise has done so much for me.  It has changed my life and given me confidence.  It has helped me to blossom into a person I like.  It has helped me be a better me.  It continues to give back to me what I give it.  It is therapy for me and I always leave better than I was when I arrived. 

Go obtain your goals.  Start living life instead of letting it live you. 

Until Tomorrow.

P.S. I have to end this because it’s SNL40 time and I don’t want to miss a second and I need some good laughs.  Let me know if you watched and what you thought. 

Celebrate

It’s Valentine’s Day – the day to celebrate love.  It doesn’t have to be about that special romantic love.  It can be a day to remember to tell all those you love how much they mean to you.  We should do this all the time but sometimes life gets hectic and we can forget.  It is nice when the calendar throws little reminders to us.  

Speaking of those we care about, yesterday was my friend’s birthday and we celebrated by going to a burlesque show followed by dinner and dancing.  It was amazing.  The burlesque show was put on by a small local theater and another friend of mine was a performer.  It is only a two night show and opening night sold out.  We were a little worried we weren’t going to get seats but they added some chairs and we all made it in.   The show was quirky and sexy and I was impressed by how well they actors performed.  If you are local you should plan to check it out next year.  I believe it is annual event.  

 

The Birthday Girl and our favorite star



Dinner and dancing was a lot of fun too.  I am not really much of a dancer but I went out there and flung my arms around a little and did my imitations of old silly dances.  People may have laughed but no one complained so I call it a good night. 

This morning I woke up remembering that I’m not as young as I once was.  After some coffee and food I was able to hit the gym.  The time is not important.  When I got home, I may or may not have napped with my dogs too.

Now I have the rest of the weekend to snuggle the remote, relax, recover and write.

Until Tomorrow   

P.S. My Valentine’s Gift to myself is fresh, clean sheets on my bed.  Not many things better than that.