Midweek Update

What a busy week!  It’s a good thing my office phone tells me what day it is, I have lost track.   

Tuesday I missed the gym because I had my first Christmas party of the season!  Woot Woot! Fist pump!  I count that as the #1 acceptable reason to miss the gym.  I had a great time and was recognized by the organization for the commitment I have shown over the last year.  It is an honor to be part of this great organization.

Wednesday I hit the gym for an extra long session.  Funny that I stayed late since I didn’t even want to go.  It had been pouring rain for two days and I had a pot of chili waiting for me at home.  Somehow, my car ended up there despite my best efforts to skip.  I’m so glad it did because it was a great session and it was chest day!!   I partnered with my friend, Steve, who is quite the inspiration.  He’s in incredible shape and one of the nicest most genuine people you could ever meet.  I learned from him and he pushed me to do more than I thought I could.  I’m truly blessed to call him friend.   

When I finally arrived home I found a nice surprise on Facebook.  The picture from my last photo shoot with the amazing Red Light Shoppe was posted.  It's definitely in my top 5 favorite.

Senior Portrait Shoot Nov, 2014

Somewhere in all of this we started decorating the office for Christmas.  This is my favorite time of the year.  I love the decorations and giving spirit.  It’s always the thought that counts and I get a high from finding/making/discovering the perfect gift. I've started checking off my list, have you? 

    

I did receive my first Christmas gift!  I have been instructed to wait until Christmas morning to open it and then I’ll receive a call with more details.  This only escalated my curiosity.  What details are required?  I think this is my Mom’s gift to herself – my slow torture.

  

Thanksgiving 2014

Wednesday night I kicked off my Thanksgiving celebration by going for drinks after a great workout.  It was nice to spend time with these ladies (away from the gym) but it cost me.  I was up until 3:30 am cooking.

Fit Lab Familia (minus a few)

Thursday I kicked off Thanksgiving with a great 2 hour workout followed by a delicious meal and some family from Texas visiting.  Our 'little' cousin was also celebrating his 21st B-day.  Nothing  makes you feel old like still thinking of someone as 5 but knowing they're 21.  Sorry, no pictures of this.  Some things are better left undocumented.

The Menu

Tire Flips

 

Missing my Oklahoma family so I wore a shirt to represent

Friday I escaped the daily grind and headed up the mountains to visit family.  We ended up at this small town celebration where most stores were giving out free hot cocoa or wine, great discounts, there was a horse drawn carriage, performers, Santa and the Mrs, and I got to see the newly redone building that housed the first brothel in CA.

Saturday we strolled through a quaint little town and I discovered two of the best wines I've ever tasted.  Both are Scott Harvey wines - Jana Riesling and the InZINerator.  After a gazillion years I finally found a bottle of wine I could share with my husband.

Sutter Creek

1st bottle I've ever shared with the husband

Traveling on the Sunday after Thanksgiving made us a statistic.  We were 3 of the millions of people that traveled this day.  As we sat in stop-n-go traffic for an extra 1.5 hours I was sure to mention this.  I also mentioned that next time we should leave a day early or later.  Luckily, I had a beautiful sky and Christmas carols to sing to pass the time.  That is until my son begged me to play 'real' music.

The sunset we expected to watch from home

California's hwy 5

Registered!

I did it.  I registered for another half marathon.  This time it’s a trail run.  I have 6 months to train for it. 

I took a couple days to decide if I was willing to do it.  Honestly, I’m terrified. 

The timing for it appearing in my life was perfect.  I was thinking that morning how I need to have more goals in my life.  That I’ve gotten caught up in routine and don’t set goals.  I always had goals when I was running.  How could I set goals again without them becoming overwhelming?  Then a friend posted about this race and asked who wanted to do it.  I looked at it thought it sounded fun, it’s fairly close to home and is the most reasonably priced half marathon I have ever run.  Then I realized the date conflicted with another event I had committed to.  The other event was not confirmed so I shot off a quick message asking if it was still happening.  Surprise! It’s not.  I could not help but wonder if all of these were signs that I was supposed to do this run. 

So I thought about it for awhile.  Came up with many excuses and finally just decided I needed to do it. 

Now I’m putting it out there so everyone can hold me accountable.  I am going to do this and I am going to train for it.  I’m not going to just wing it.  I am going to find my love for running again.  I’m not going to put pressure on myself to finish in a certain time but I am going to try my hardest and do my best.  If I’m well prepared then it should be easy to give 100%, whatever that looks like. 

Thank you all for being here with me through this and for holding me accountable.   I can’t wait to make us both proud. 

Today

I just finished my second attempt at Daily Notes or something like that.  I really think it should be called Dear Diary.   A friend recommended it to me months ago and in typical Amber fashion, I blew it off.  Sigh.  Basically what you do is set aside some time and just write.  Write whatever is on your mind but do it with an actual pen and paper.  Do you remember what those are?  Today I realized it’s a purging exercise so you can tap into your creativity.  Yep, I’m a quick one.   

I did this exercise for about 20 minutes.  It was actually 16 but I like to round up unless it’s my weight.  I dumped a lot in this notebook of mine.  Cleared out some cobwebs and I feel lighter.  Go figure.  It works. 

I am going to do my best to keep doing this.  I’m not sure I can actually commit to doing it daily but certainly a few times a week.  Part of my motivation is that I like going back and reading old diary entries.  I forget so much that it always amazes me when I sneak peeks back at my life.  Another part is it actually allows me to write.   Purging is a good thing.  I picture myself standing with my arms and legs spread, empty and allowing creativity to fill me.  I turn a golden Amber color as I fill, if that helps to complete the picture for you.

Today is shaping up to be a great day.  I woke up early and have been snuggled up on the sofa in my favorite blanket, enjoying a cup of coffee and staring at my amazing view.  I have several people coming over later and I should probably be cleaning.  Every time I start to think that I remind myself that I’m not going to remember how dirty or clean my house is today.  What I am going to remember is the moments I steal for myself to just enjoy and be in the present.  I’ll also remember the great time I have with these ladies and if the condition of my house really bothers them, then that is their problem.  I live in the middle of fields and it’s dusty.  It doesn’t matter if I dust non-stop there will still be dust.   Of course about an hour before they arrive I will most likely start a mad dash to do everything I decided wasn't important this morning. 

This leads me to thinking about the last time I really, really pushed a personal boundary for myself. (having people over when my house isn't clean is a boundary)  Early this year I was invited to a birthday party for a woman I barely knew.  Her husband and mine were friends and we’d met a time or two.   I was invited to her party and almost turned down the offer.  My husband was going to be out of town and I would be attending alone.  Walking into a party where I didn’t really know anyone was a terrifying thought to me.  It pushed so many boundaries, I can’t even begin to describe all I was feeling.  I summoned all of my courage and forced myself to go.  After all, the last two years have been about me facing fears and overcoming them.  You know what happened?  I had a blast and laughed harder than I had in a long time.  Now she is one of my best friends.  It’s crazy how life works. 

So go face a fear, do something for yourself and have an amazing day.    

Chugging Along

I have been going through something.  I don’t know what it is but it’s been rough.  It’s not depression.  I know depression and what it looks like for me.  In a way, this is worse.  It’s worse because I don’t understand it.  I feel like a lost puppy. 

Lots and lots of things have been going on.  I have learned what real friendship looks like in my life, in the moment where I currently reside.  I have learned that people are really good at hiding their crazy.  Insanely good.  It baffles me yet I do the same thing right along side them.  I have learned that burying shit does not make it go away (I have learned and forgotten this many times).  It will rear its ugly head at the worst, most inconvenient times. 

I’m currently disappointed in myself.  I started a journey 6 months ago with a 6 month deadline and I have failed to accomplish it.  In fact, I have barely begun.  I know I would tell someone else "it is fine, you can start today" or "tomorrow is another day" or some uplifting phrase and I’d hope they took it to heart.  Not gonna work on me though.  I have lots of reasons why I have not accomplished my goal.  Many of them are even good reasons.  Yet it does not change that I have failed so far.  I will eventually accomplish this goal, this I know.   

The thing that is most tricky about this new journey is I want it. I want it so bad I can taste it. I dream about it, I know I can do it.  I’m just not.  I need to get out of my own way. 

My tendancy when I am struggling is to avoid everyone and everything.  I pull back and shut myself off.  I'm am trying my hardest not to do this.  I'm forcing myself to keep my routine and accept offers as they arise.  I can feel the battle within and it's exhausting.   Right now I'm waiting out the storm and trying not to hide under the covers (literally and figuratively). 

I keep thinking if I can just escape for a few days and get away from everything I will be able to sort out all the randomness in my head.  If I can just get away from social media, phones, tv, etc then I'll have no distractions aka no excuses.  I don't want to do that though.  That's my old way of thinking and I'm not that person anymore.  I also don't have the ability to do that.  I do need to clear my head and align my thoughts but I need new, healthy ways of accomplishing this.  Perhaps I should go for a run.  Even that seems overwhelming to me right now.  You can read a few posts back to understand why that gives me a little anxiety.  The last thing I need right now is something else to knock me down a peg.  Then again, it could be a great experience.  I'm just not ready to face it if it isn't. 

I know my last several posts have been on the negative side but this is where I am right now.  I don't believe I am a negative person, in general, but right now I am going through something.  I hope it is growing me as a person and that I will come out of it better than ever.  I want to relate this to exercise and how it takes work.  You have to push yourself, have faith, and accomplish small goals then one day you realize you're there.  Then you start over again with new goals.  I often refer to this as making my ceilings floors.

Growing is painful but worth it.   

Letter to a Friend

To my sweet friend about to start fertility treatments,

I’m sorry I cried when you told me.  I’m sorry I couldn’t be the friend you deserved in that moment.  Your words were the exact thoughts I’d had so many times.  It hit unexpectedly hard.  The tears a surprise.  I am truly excited for you even if I poorly expressed it.  I think this is wonderful news and honestly hope the best for you.  I want to share in your experience and I hope you continue to talk with me.  I can’t promise I won’t cry and I can’t promise I’ll always be able to participate but I want to try to be there.

The journey you are about to embark on is a rough one.  At least it was for me.  It seems you have done your research and are being very logical in your plan.  I hope you are also prepared for the emotional side.  Having been down this road, I hope I can be an ear for you and offer hugs and strength when needed.  I can answer some questions and share my experience and all I learned.  It just may have to be over a margarita and through a tear streaked face.    

I hope you don’t feel you have to downplay or hide your happiness from me.  I do not want that.  I want to share in the joys and be a shoulder should things not go perfectly along the way.  I look forward to holding your little one(s) and getting the baby fix for which I so often long. I look forward to being present and involved.

Thank you for your understanding.  Thank you for your friendship. 

Love,

Me

A piece of history

I’ve been thinking about starting to journal.  I have done this a lot though out my life and always love going back and reading the entries.  It always amazes me how much I forget.  I like the little peek at what once was.  Blogging is a lot like journaling but I don’t think I want to put everything in a public blog. 

I’ve only ever filled one journal from front to back.   I was 16 and gave it to my fiancé as a gift.  Yes, I was engaged at 16 and yes I gave him access to my most private thoughts.   I’m not sure which is more surprising to me – that I was engaged or that I shared that with him.   Sharing on that level has always been a fear of mine.

We started going out (is that still the correct term?) the day after I turned 15.  He was my first love.  I randomly met him when he was a passenger in my friend’s car.  The day after my birthday he called me and told me that he and his girlfriend had broken up.  We started a relationship immediately. 

My teens were tough years.  My relationship with my Mother was strained.  This is common with Mothers and daughters but ours was more than just the normal conflict.  I won’t go into the details of her story.  I will say, as an adult, I see her struggles differently.  I have more understanding and compassion.  She was doing the best she could.   

When I was 16, my mom and I had a huge argument and she said things that hurt me to my core.  I’m sure I did the same to her.  I walked out of our apartment and went to the only place I knew – my boyfriend’s house.  I was lucky that they allowed me to stay there for a week or two.  I’ll never forget the love I felt from his parents.  I typically spent every waking moment at his house but this time was different.  They basically allowed me to move in, sleep on their couch and offered advice on how to handle the shit storm I was navigating.  I’ll never forget the conversation I had with his Dad on my last night there.  I don’t believe he wanted me to go back home.  He told me I was always welcome at their home and I could stay as long as I wanted.  He told me going back to my mom’s was not my only option and that all that happened wasn’t something I just had to accept.  I never had to accept that type of treatment.  Those are not his exact words but the gist.  I also never forget how that felt.  Knowing someone cared that much still makes me tear up as I write this.  

I doubt they realize what a difference they made in my life.   I was a lost, angry and confused girl and they offered me stability.  They showed me love when I felt unloved.  They offered guidance when I felt abandoned.  They gave me a gift of knowing that circumstances do not define a person.   I loved them like parents.  I still do.  They are amazing people that played an important role in my life.  For them I will be forever grateful.  It’s not often you meet people that impact your life like they did mine.  Hopefully, someday they will read this and know what a difference they made. 

Writing

I’ve been sitting her trying to write for hours.  I haven’t been able to do it.  I’ve started.  Stopped.  Checked Facebook.  Written a paragraph.  Checked Instagram.  Changed topics.  Sent some texts and sat staring at the cursor while it mocked me.   I need to write.  I keep saying this.  I keep trying but I just can’t sort my thoughts enough to put something together.  I have 2 pages worth of paragraphs I’ve started - half thoughts that may never be complete.  Oddly, this is a representation of how my life is right now.  It’s scattered, I’m scattered.  I have a routine that I follow because it’s... routine and goals I want to achieve.  The crazy part is that I’m not working toward those goals.  I am standing in my own way while day dreaming of how things will be when I achieve them.  Yet I get caught up in the minutia of the day and end with promising myself tomorrow I will make progress. 

So here I sit once again stifling myself.  I’ve been trying to determine why and I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting.  So far I’ve come up with a lot of excuses.  Sure, they are legit excuses but they are still excuses.  This seems to be how my brain works.  I struggle through trying to figure things out and then one day the fog clears and I just know.  Often running or writing is what helps me though the fog.  As I’ve shared I haven’t been doing much of either.  Where do you turn when the things you’ve depended on are no longer there?  I recently tried a writing technique where I took some time and wrote whatever popped in my head.  I was told to even write blah bah blah if that was all I had.  I tried it.  I wrote a lot.  There were no blahs included.  Maybe someday I’ll share that randomness. 

My question of all you bloggers out there is how do you do it?  How do you provide information and entertainment to us consistently?   Most blogs I follow are well put together.  I don’t read of struggles with writing.  Are you not sharing that part of your life or is it not an issue for you?  I've been told that some prewrite when they can so they have back-ups.  Is this common? 

All my life I have enjoyed writing.  I used to write short stories as a child and poetry as a pre-teen and teen.  It was a great outlet for me but I was motivated by emotion.  It seems I’ve taught myself to rely on strong emotions to move my pen across the paper or my fingers across the keys.  I’m not sure how to break that cycle. 

As I’ve sat here writing I’m realizing (told you writing helps) that part of my issue is believing in myself and creating this for me.  I need it to not matter if it makes a difference in someone’s life.  It doesn’t matter if they gain something from it.  The problem with that is that I want it to help someone.  I want people to connect with my story.  I want them to know they are not alone.  Yet, I need to figure out how to let it just be for me with the rest as a bonus if it happens.  For a long time I wrote and didn’t share my blog with anyone.  I always hoped that when I did open it up that it would touch people.  I think part of my fear was that it wouldn’t.  I worried that people would be critical, not relate or worse find me ridiculous or unworthy.  I often question what do I have to share with the world that isn’t already out there?  Why do I think I’m so important that others will too?   What sets me apart?  What I need to really believe is that it’s important to me and that’s what matters.  

I’ve also realized I need to let go of the concern that I will hurt or offend someone by sharing my story.  This is my life.  This is my story.  I’m not responsible for the role you choose to play in it.  I may share interactions I have, conversations, joys and hurts.  If you find yourself in the pages of my blog then I hope you realize that you have affected my life.  I will not apologize for what I write.  Consider yourself warned.   I will change names to protect the (not so) innocent if needed. 

Now that I’ve got all of that out of the way, I hope my creative juices will start to flow and I can get back to what I love – grammar issues and all.    

Why I am no longer a runner (though I still call myself one)

This is a picture of my first 5K.  It was actually my second ever because I ran one in 2006.  However, this is the one that started my running career.  It was taken in Nov of 2010.  From there I went on to do my first 10K in May of 2011 and 10 half marathons over the years of 2012 and 2013.  The last one I completed was Dec. 8, 2013.  

I never intended to take a break from running.  I've never felt as capable as when I was running those first 7 half marathons.  It was the last three that I struggle with.  I've taken the last year to really reflect on it. I’ve previously written that it was due to pressure I was putting on myself.  That is true but it’s also about so much more.

I think what really started my downward spiral with running was coming back to soon.  I had surgery in Sept 2013.  It was very unexpected and emotional.  I still struggle with the loss.  (you can read more about that in other blog posts).  I was training for a full marathon and was only 5 weeks out from the Nike Women's Half San Francisco.  I was one of those lucky ones that had won the lottery and no way was I missing it.  I competed and I pushed myself.  I cried many times during it.  Not because I was hurting physically but because I was there.  Though my body had failed me repeatedly, that day it did what my mind told it. It ran.  I ran through the emotions.  I ran through the hurt.  I ran despite being told it was too soon.  I ran for me and for my loss. I ran to get that Tiffany necklace.

Then in November I was supposed to run my first full marathon.  I wasn’t ready.  The surgery had set me back and I was forced to drop to a half.  This broke my heart (again) but was the only option.  I probably shouldn’t have been doing the half.  I wasn’t prepared.  But I did.  I had family there to cheer me on.  It was the first big race that anyone other than my husband and son attended.  It was wonderful to run by and see familiar faces and know they were cheering for me specifically.  It gave me a huge boost.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. I suffered through most of that experience.  I struggled and cried out of frustration but I didn’t quit.  I crossed the finish line feeling so ill, I thought I was going to throw up.  I could barely walk from the pain. I found a curb and sat there trying to recover.  My family was waiting at a restaurant where we were going to celebrate my victory.  I had to call my husband and tell him I couldn’t walk to him.   He and one of my Aunt’s came to me and we headed back to our hotel.  I did get very sick for the first time ever (from running).  I finally pulled it together after a bath and was able to join my family for a very late dinner.  A dinner I didn’t enjoy.  I loved spending the time with them but I was miserable, sad and beyond mad at my body.  It had once again failed me.  See, at the time I wasn’t looking at what it had accomplished.  I was only focused on the negative.

My very last half marathon (so far) was in Dec. 2013.  Part way through it I actually had the thought “why am I doing this?”  We all have that thought at some point but this time I didn’t have an answer.  I didn’t care about anything except not running.  For the first time I actually considered stopping, walking off the course and going straight back to my hotel.  I didn’t care about anything else.  I didn’t care about the finish line.  I didn’t care about the bling.  I didn’t care about the disappointment.  All I wanted was to not be running.  I honestly do not have some profound or honest answer as to why I didn’t quit.  All I have is that I didn’t.  I finished it and now I am so glad.  I’m glad because I’m not a quitter and I didn’t give up on myself.  After, I once again was horribly sick but recovered much quicker.  Thank goodness because I flew home within hours of finishing it.    

 It’s been nearly a year and I’ve ran 3-4 races this year.  All 5 or 10K’s and for fun or for a cause I am passionate about.  I don’t know when I’ll run again.  I don’t know if I’ll ever complete that full marathon or if I’ll receive another medal to add to my collection.  I do know that I’m not the same person I was.  I’m much stronger and forgiving of myself while still being stubborn.  I do wonder if I’d given myself more time to recover if I’d still be competing and if I would have achieved that full marathon by now.  We can’t change the past though.  So I accept what my history holds and wonder about the future.  Great things are happening for me they’re just not what I would have expected a year ago.  That’s the crazy thing about this journey.  It’s always changing.   

Family Fun, Sun and New Friends

Sunday I threw on my swimsuit, packed a bunch of snacks and headed out the door.  We were having a family day and escaping our routine and cell service. We were heading to Arroyo Seco but plans change and we ended up at Cayucos Pier and had a fabulous time. 

Cayucos Pier

I was comfortable in a swimsuit for the first time in my life.  I'm learning to not care that I don't have the perfect body.  I have one I've worked hard for and I'm tired of being uncomfortable in it. I just need to remember not to study the pictures too closely.  It's easy to be our own worst critics and notice things others wont even give a second thought. 

We had a great time playing in the water, pigging out on chicken legs, cherries, hummus and gelato.  Memories were made.  My son won't remember what I was wearing that day or how I looked.  In his eyes, I'm beautiful all the time.  He will remember that I laughed, played and broke yet another pair of sandals.  It has become an unwanted tradition but this time I outsmarted those shoes and brought back ups!

We walked the little beach town of Cayucos then stopped in Cambria to check out the little shops and see what treasures we could find. 

what more do you need?

Driving home up HWY 1 was very scenic.  I always love this drive, when I'm the passenger.  If you have never had the pleasure of traveling this section of road, I recommend you put it on your bucket list.  It is gorgeous and there are many beautiful places to stop.  We skipped our favorites this time in hopes of new experiences.  We were not disappointed.  We also stopped at a few vistas to take pictures and absorb the breathtaking views.  We made a few new friends along the way and were surprised by how close they would come to us. 

representing my RLG's 

The moral of this story is: Sometimes the best days come from those you don't plan. 

  

If I knew then what I know now

I recently read this "What were you doing a year ago?"  It got me to thinking about all that has happened in the last year - there have been some pretty huge changes.  Just like me though, do it all at once and challenge myself.   Then I got to thinking about the last ten years.   I don't know about you but I've grown tremendously as a person.  Some of that came naturally with aging and some due to my keen ability at reflection.  There are a few discoveries (Running, Red Light Shoppe, My Naturopath) that helped guide me and some friends that set me straight when I detoured.

With this in mind, I composed a list I wish I could share with my 26 year old self.  It is pretty basic and probably a little cliché but I did not know this stuff.  I could have saved myself a lot of time and effort if only I knew then what I know now.

Note to my 26 year old self

1. It is okay to make mistakes.  There is no perfect.
2. Hold on tight to your faith, you're going to need it
3. What others think of you does not define you
4. It is okay to fail, it is not okay to quit or never try.
5. Do not let insecurities guide you.
6. Listen to your gut, it is never wrong
7. Don’t eat, shop or bury your feelings.  They will resurface and require attention.
8. Compliments.  Graciously accept them with a thank you.
9. Stop over thinking
10. Say yes more than you say no
11. Embrace change, it is what will grow you as a person
12. Don't hide from the camera, you'll want evidence of this time
13. Accept it or change it, don't wait for it to happen on its own
14. People may not understand you, that is okay. Stop explaining
15. Keep in contact with those that are important. 
16. Vulnerability does not equal weakness.
17. Find what you enjoy and DO IT.  
18. Never be too busy or consumed to hug your son just a little longer or listen to his stories.
19. Being silly is a requirement. Life doesn't have to be so serious.
20. Procrastinating.  Stop.  Just stop.
21. Accept yourself, it is okay to be beautiful you

ALWAYS!

NOT a DIET

Know why I hate the word diet?  To me it is interchangeable with deprivation.  On Friday, I was instructed to do a liver detox diet.  Since then, all I’ve been able to think about is what I will not be able to consume for the next 3-4 weeks.  It has completely enveloped me.  Craziest part is I rarely even eat/drink a lot of the items I’m supposed to cut.  It's a total mental game.

It takes me back to all the times I’ve tried diets and failed.  Of course, this is different, but just that word triggers me.  I’m feeling like I need to cram myself full of all the things I will not be able to eat.  I’ve suddenly wanted pizza, root beer floats, beer (more than usual), and lots and lots of flavored coffee. 

 

The hardest part is either going to be the no sugar (except fruit) or the no cream in my coffee.  I love coffee but with flavoring.  Otherwise, what’s the point?  It's the warm creaminess that is a must. (Think I'll go make myself another cup right now!)

 

What I need to focus on is the DETOX.  I am thrilled I won’t be taking some crazy horse pills or flushing my system where I need to be near a bathroom at all times.  I should not have painful abdominal cramping or any of the fun stuff that comes with a colon cleanse.  I should have a system that is naturally clearing itself, I should feel better, I should solve a few other issues and as a bonus I should trim down a little.  These are all GREAT things.   These are the things I need to focus on.   There is so much I will still be able to consume and I will not be starving myself.  This really isn’t a diet and I should stop using that dirty four-letter word.  I need to just refer to it as a liver detox.

 

Tomorrow will start this new part of my journey.  It's guaranteed to be interesting.  Hopefully, my boys don't go into hiding and hopefully the anticipation is the hardest part.  I mean, really, what's 4 weeks?  It's only a month.  I can do anything for a month.    

 

 

 

 

Change is in the Air

I have been hinting for months about changes happening.  I am finally ready to announce that I am going to be making a career change soon.  I have been doing research for months and finally chose a program and will be getting my Nutrition and Wellness Certification.  I am finally going to do something with a passion of mine.   

I am nervous and excited to make this change.  I’m a little scared to make the leap but know it will be worth it.  Change is seldom easy but important for growth.  My goal is to help people learn how to help themselves. Empower them, if you will.  When I first started out I was so lost.  I tried all kinds of diets, weight loss plans, deprivation and gimmicks.  I put tons of pressure on myself.  It is no wonder I failed so many times.  I was not realistic and built my lifestyle on fear of failure and guilt.  I set myself up with unrealistic expectations and only caused more self loathing and negative self-talk.  It was a vicious cycle that was hard to break.  It has been a long and difficult journey that I hope to make easier for others. 

I’m realizing that everything I am trying to do with this new career is taking a lot of time.  I knew it would be intensive but it’s a little more than I expected.  It is a tad overwhelming and I’m feeling pulled in different directions.  There is just so much to do with my current career, this new one, being a mom, wife and still getting in my exercise.  I feel like I need another 8 hours in my day. 

The other night I skipped my workout due to fatigue and needing to get some studying done.  I was freezing and feeling a little crazy so I decided to take a hot bath (since running is out for clearing my head).  It helped a little but then it was right back to the grind.  I cooked dinner, answered questions on Facebook, studied and "dealt" with my child.  Any advice for dealing with a pre-teen?

where the magic happens

PlowOn Gum Review

About a week ago I finished my packet of PlowOn Gum and have been planning to write a little sum’n sum’n about it.  Here it is FINALLY…

I was so excited to receive my pack of PlowOn Gum in the mail and could not wait to try it.  Unfortunately, I was dealing with an injury and had to wait a couple of weeks before I was doing enough to warrant chewing these babies.  I did not want to waste them or get myself amped when I had no way to burn it off.

The first thing I noticed when I finally did pop a piece was the flavor is really strong and unique. It was a little overwhelming at first but grew on me.  It definitely awakens your taste buds.   

The flavor lasted a long time.  This thrilled me.  I hate when gum runs out of flavor within minutes- you could call that a pet peeve of mine.  I did not set a timer but would guess the flavor lasted at least an hour.  

The first time I chewed it was just before a weight training session and I was feeling sluggish.  By the time I was working out I felt alert and ready to get the show on the road.  I was not sure if the perkiness was because I had finally ended a stressful day at work or if it was due to the gum.  Luckily, I had a few pieces left so I could try it another time and see if it had the same effect. 

The next couple of days I tried it at work when my 2 pm energy dip hit.  Whaddya know, it perked me up.  Yay!  I was able to make it to my “closing time” and through great work outs.    

The last two pieces were chewed together but I did not notice a significant difference from when I had only one.  More is not always better.  It was great to be awake and full of energy with out having to increase my coffee intake.  I cannot wait to use it on a long run and really test it.  

There are 5 pieces in each pack and I would recommend them for when you need a little pick me up or are doing an activity that requires endurance.  I am not typically a person that uses supplements like this but I am a big time gum chewer and I was happy to have the little extra oomph thrown in.  If you go to their website  you can order a free sample and only pay shipping.  It is worth it. You can also find out all the deets on what makes PlowOn Gum so special.   I always love when I can try something out before complete commitment.  In this case, I will be ordering more.   So go order your little green balls of energy today and PlowOn.

Someone Wanted to Share MY Story

I was recently contacted by Anna at Rules of Dieting to do a blog on my weight loss journey.  I was excited to share it until I sat down to start writing.  It wasn't easy to be so honest nor was it easy to face/admit who I was. I have come so far in this journey and have won a lot of battles. Like everyone, I still have struggles but I try to no longer let them consume me. I've learned to be kind to myself and that makes all the difference in the world. When I have my bouts with depression I remember it will not last and try to find something positive to focus on. I am also less afraid to admit who I am; the good, the bad and the ugly. I had no idea how freeing that would be.  Here is the link to the post. http://www.rulesofdieting.com/ambers-weight-loss-success-story/. Enjoy!

They're HOME!

My boys have finally returned home after a week away.  FINALLY!  It was a long week and I’m still green with envy.  I wish I could have been on their trip but it wasn’t meant to be.  We had decided at the beginning of the school year that the hubs would go since I am usually the one involved.  I know it was the right decision but I still wish we I could have attended.  Turns out it was a really good thing I was not the one going given my current ankle condition.  They had a blast and did all kinds of fun things. Have you been to Hume Lake?  If not, check it out.  It’s pretty spectacular. 

This was the first time I have been away from my son for this long since 2006.  I don’t consider myself over protective or unwilling to leave him but a week is a long time.  It’s even longer when you are the one left behind.  I found it hard to get myself moving since I didn’t have a long list of things to complete each day or anyone else dependant on me (except work of course).  It was kind of a strange feeling to come home and not have anything I HAD to do, to use the bathroom without interruption and to have complete control over the TV.  I never once heard “MOOOOOOM, I’m HUNGRY!!!!”

The mornings were the hardest part.  The silence was deafening.  I missed the drive to school and listening to his stories.  He is a smart and funny kid that always entertains me.  I love hearing all the things swimming around in that head of his. 

So they are home and sharing all their stories.  I was shocked when my son said chapel was his favorite part.   He liked that they didn’t just sit there.  They made it fun with singing, dancing and geared it more toward kids.  I guess, I should expect that after all it is all about the kids.  His second favorite thing was paintball.  This does not surprise me at all.  Seeing the pictures of his bruises hurt but he’s fine, it was fun and the bruises have already faded.  To hear my husband tell the stories of the paintball “war” is hilarious.  I think he had more fun than anyone.  He tells of rolling, diving, hiding, strategizing and winning with only 3 seconds left.  I definitely wish I could have seen him.   It makes me laugh just picturing it. 

Moral (or whatever) of the story: We all survived and normalcy is returning to our little family unit.  My son matured a little, my husband revisited his youth and I pretended to be a grown-up for a week.  I am happy to go back to just being me, not making all the decisions alone and having coffee brought to me each morning.   I may even cook a meal next week.

Soar

I just hung a painting created by my son on the wall in front of me.  It isn’t framed yet but it hangs, reminding me of beauty and creativity and the wings we develop when we are allowed to soar.  When we are lifted up and encouraged to do what we want- to let our minds be free.  He created it at school and I imagine his teacher gave him basic instructions on what was expected.   All the student’s painting were similar but each had a special flare from the artist.   I was reminded, yet again, that we do not have to be perfect.  Beauty is found in the imperfections.

My son doesn’t worry that I will dislike his work or that I will be critical of it.  He knows I will give an honest opinion and that I will love and cherish it simply because he created it.  He understands that he may not be the best at everything but he should do his best in everything.  As long as he does that I will support him.   He knows I will always be a soft place for him to land when he falls.  He will fall, we all do.  It is knowing that someone will catch you that makes all the difference in your ability to try.   So go and soar my sweet boy. 

{Currently}

It's been a few weeks so I decided to do another link up.  The topics this week are Making, Eating, Enjoying, Hiding and Noticing.  This should be fun.

I am making an effort to keep my mood in check as I deal with this injury.  It's very frustrating but a bad attitude will not help anything.  Plus, I need people to help me.  They're more likely to be helpful if I'm being nice.

I am eating what is made for me.  My son and my husband have been great this week in preparing my meals.  I've tried keeping it on the healthier side but mostly I'm just grateful for food.

I am enjoying building my FB Fitness Page.  If I can inspire at least one person then I will be happy.  It's been a long journey with a lot of ups and downs.  I still have a ways to go and it feels great to share it with others.  You can find it here.   

Hmm... hiding... this is a tough one.  Ah!  Tomorrow I may hide how many tacos I eat at my son's birthday party.  They are a huge weakness of mine and I never seem to get full.  The asada ones are the best.  My mouth is beginning to water just thinking about them. 

I have been noticing that the more open I am the more people I seem to attract.  So far, it's been a great thing.  This leads me to believe my insecurities are what's been holding me back this whole time.  Who knew?  No, really, who knew?  You could've let me in on the secret.  Can you say projection?

So there we have it.  Make sure and swing by and check out the host of this link-up here.

Road to Recovery

I am a bit of a klutz.  Normally I end up with bumps and bruises but every once in a while I manage a real doozy.  This is what I am dealing with now.  I’d like to tell you an elaborate story of how I was pole dancing in 5 inch stilettos (as a friend suggested) or a snake “this big” slithered out or I was scaling this rocky cliff and lost my footing.  But for the sake of honesty, I must admit, I was walking.  To my credit, I was on a slight incline.  I had just finished a somewhat gnarly hike.   It was full of steep hills and loose ground.  There are plenty of times I should have slipped but I made it down.  What happened was I stopped paying attention.  I was talking and laughing with my sister-in-laws (SILs) and niece.  I had just asked if they wanted to continue our walk on flat ground or head back to camp.  We were discussing my niece going off to college in a few years and how we hope she doesn’t go too far away.  Next thing I know I’m on the ground with the most horrible pop sound echoing in my ears.  My right foot slipped forward while my left bent backwards then slid sideways. It hurt and it sucked and it changed my weekend plans.   I didn’t think my ankle was broken and turns out I was right.  It is a bad sprain though and it’s not fun.

I spent 2 days being waited on and helped every time I wanted to move.  I hate asking for help and it was a slow torture.  I felt bad that I couldn’t help cook, hide Easter eggs and many of the other things that needed to get done.  I couldn’t even help pack up (ok, I’m not really bummed about that but sad my hubs had to do it alone).   Even the easiest of tasks became troublesome.

I came home thinking I would be back to working out on Monday.  I had no intention of missing any workouts.  Yes, I can be stubborn determined sometimes.  After my doctor’s appointment and the hubs poking fun at me, I realized I was going to be taking some time off.  I am most frustrated by this.   No running and no squatting for me.  I just found my love for running again and was really enjoying getting out there.  The no squatting sucks because I’ve been working hard on my butt and increasing my squatting weight.  I don’t want to lose my progress.  At least I can still work my upper body.  

everyday is upper body day

 

I am fighting to stay positive as I lay here on pain meds with my foot elevated.  I find a little comfort in each day being one step closer to my full recovery.  I’m using crutches for the first time and I have this boot (walking cast) that is evil.  That thing is heavy and it hurts like hell when I put it on.  I swear it is some kind of torture devise presented as helpful.  Joke is on me!  Luckily, I only have to wear it when I leave the house and I haven’t been allowed to leave the house. 

I hope to get out and back to work tomorrow at least for a couple of hours.  I also plan to work on my pull ups.  Walking with crutches is definitely a workout but I need a little more.   I’d love to hear about your workouts so I can live vicariously through you.  Maybe I will benefit from them through visualization.   I'm sure I can find some research that proves this works.