Chugging Along

I have been going through something.  I don’t know what it is but it’s been rough.  It’s not depression.  I know depression and what it looks like for me.  In a way, this is worse.  It’s worse because I don’t understand it.  I feel like a lost puppy. 

Lots and lots of things have been going on.  I have learned what real friendship looks like in my life, in the moment where I currently reside.  I have learned that people are really good at hiding their crazy.  Insanely good.  It baffles me yet I do the same thing right along side them.  I have learned that burying shit does not make it go away (I have learned and forgotten this many times).  It will rear its ugly head at the worst, most inconvenient times. 

I’m currently disappointed in myself.  I started a journey 6 months ago with a 6 month deadline and I have failed to accomplish it.  In fact, I have barely begun.  I know I would tell someone else "it is fine, you can start today" or "tomorrow is another day" or some uplifting phrase and I’d hope they took it to heart.  Not gonna work on me though.  I have lots of reasons why I have not accomplished my goal.  Many of them are even good reasons.  Yet it does not change that I have failed so far.  I will eventually accomplish this goal, this I know.   

The thing that is most tricky about this new journey is I want it. I want it so bad I can taste it. I dream about it, I know I can do it.  I’m just not.  I need to get out of my own way. 

My tendancy when I am struggling is to avoid everyone and everything.  I pull back and shut myself off.  I'm am trying my hardest not to do this.  I'm forcing myself to keep my routine and accept offers as they arise.  I can feel the battle within and it's exhausting.   Right now I'm waiting out the storm and trying not to hide under the covers (literally and figuratively). 

I keep thinking if I can just escape for a few days and get away from everything I will be able to sort out all the randomness in my head.  If I can just get away from social media, phones, tv, etc then I'll have no distractions aka no excuses.  I don't want to do that though.  That's my old way of thinking and I'm not that person anymore.  I also don't have the ability to do that.  I do need to clear my head and align my thoughts but I need new, healthy ways of accomplishing this.  Perhaps I should go for a run.  Even that seems overwhelming to me right now.  You can read a few posts back to understand why that gives me a little anxiety.  The last thing I need right now is something else to knock me down a peg.  Then again, it could be a great experience.  I'm just not ready to face it if it isn't. 

I know my last several posts have been on the negative side but this is where I am right now.  I don't believe I am a negative person, in general, but right now I am going through something.  I hope it is growing me as a person and that I will come out of it better than ever.  I want to relate this to exercise and how it takes work.  You have to push yourself, have faith, and accomplish small goals then one day you realize you're there.  Then you start over again with new goals.  I often refer to this as making my ceilings floors.

Growing is painful but worth it.