This is a picture of my first 5K. It was actually my second ever because I ran
one in 2006. However, this is the one
that started my running career. It was
taken in Nov of 2010. From there I went
on to do my first 10K in May of 2011 and 10 half marathons over the years of
2012 and 2013. The last one I completed
was Dec. 8, 2013.
I never intended to take a break from running. I've never felt as capable as when I was
running those first 7 half marathons. It
was the last three that I struggle with. I've taken the last year to really reflect on
it. I’ve previously written that it was due to pressure I was putting on
myself. That is true but it’s also about
so much more.
I think what really started my downward spiral with running
was coming back to soon. I had surgery
in Sept 2013. It was very unexpected and
emotional. I still struggle with the
loss. (you can read more about that in
other blog posts). I was training for a
full marathon and was only 5 weeks out from the Nike Women's Half San Francisco. I was one of those lucky ones that had won
the lottery and no way was I missing it.
I competed and I pushed myself. I
cried many times during it. Not because
I was hurting physically but because I was there. Though my body had failed me repeatedly, that
day it did what my mind told it. It ran.
I ran through the emotions. I ran
through the hurt. I ran despite being
told it was too soon. I ran for me and
for my loss. I ran to get that Tiffany necklace.
Then in November I was supposed to run my first full
marathon. I wasn’t ready. The surgery had set me back and I was forced
to drop to a half. This broke my heart
(again) but was the only option. I
probably shouldn’t have been doing the half.
I wasn’t prepared. But I
did. I had family there to cheer me
on. It was the first big race that
anyone other than my husband and son attended.
It was wonderful to run by and see familiar faces and know they were
cheering for me specifically. It gave me
a huge boost. Unfortunately, it wasn’t
enough. I suffered through most of that experience. I struggled and cried out of frustration but
I didn’t quit. I crossed the finish line
feeling so ill, I thought I was going to throw up. I could barely walk from the pain. I found a
curb and sat there trying to recover. My
family was waiting at a restaurant where we were going to celebrate my
victory. I had to call my husband and
tell him I couldn’t walk to him. He and one of my Aunt’s came to me and we
headed back to our hotel. I did get very
sick for the first time ever (from running).
I finally pulled it together after a bath and was able to join my family
for a very late dinner. A dinner I
didn’t enjoy. I loved spending the time
with them but I was miserable, sad and beyond mad at my body. It had once again failed me. See, at the time I wasn’t looking at what it
had accomplished. I was only focused on
the negative.
My very last half marathon (so far) was in Dec. 2013. Part way through it I actually had the
thought “why am I doing this?” We all
have that thought at some point but this time I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t care about anything except not
running. For the first time I actually
considered stopping, walking off the course and going straight back to my
hotel. I didn’t care about anything
else. I didn’t care about the finish
line. I didn’t care about the
bling. I didn’t care about the
disappointment. All I wanted was to not
be running. I honestly do not have some
profound or honest answer as to why I didn’t quit. All I have is that I didn’t. I finished it and now I am so glad. I’m glad because I’m not a quitter and I
didn’t give up on myself. After, I once
again was horribly sick but recovered much quicker. Thank goodness because I flew home within
hours of finishing it.
It’s been nearly a
year and I’ve ran 3-4 races this year.
All 5 or 10K’s and for fun or for a cause I am passionate about. I don’t know when I’ll run again. I don’t know if I’ll ever complete that full
marathon or if I’ll receive another medal to add to my collection. I do know that I’m not the same person I
was. I’m much stronger and forgiving of
myself while still being stubborn. I do
wonder if I’d given myself more time to recover if I’d still be competing and
if I would have achieved that full marathon by now. We can’t change the past though. So I accept what my history holds and wonder
about the future. Great things are happening
for me they’re just not what I would have expected a year ago. That’s the crazy thing about this
journey. It’s always changing.
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