Depression

One of the most difficult things for me to do is walk away.

Today I am sad and depressed. I have lots of reasons that could cause this. Maybe it’s the argument I had with my husband. Perhaps the sad blog I read a few hours ago. Could be the shit storm around me. Maybe it’s the rain. It could even just be that I’m having an off day so it decided to rear its ugly little head. Who knows, but here I am dealing with it.

I’m here at work, hiding in my office with the door shut. Luckily, this is something I often do when it’s cold so no one gives it a second thought. Thank goodness because I don’t think I could plaster that fake smile on my face for a second longer than I must. It’s hard enough to do it when I arrive and when I must step out.

Depression is something I’ve battled most of my life. They say depression is anger turned inside. I believe that is part of it. When you bury feelings it can certainly lead to depression. But it’s so much more. I'm not just talking about a sad day or week or when you are going through a difficult time.  I'm talking about the kind of depression that sneaks up on you all through your life. 

Now, it's been a few days since I started this post.  I'm no longer hiding in my office.  I've ventured out into the world and faced many people and events.  No one knowing that behind my mask is a sad, depressed person trying to stay positive.  I function well.  I do manage to have a good time and enjoy the presence of some people but the depression is there lurking, waiting for me to be alone and remove the mask.  It's laying in wait to consume me.  It's MO is to wait until I am trying to fall asleep.  It takes over my thoughts keeping me awake.  I have my own way of fighting this battle and that is by keeping the tv on or falling asleep reading. 

Depression is a dirty, scary word that people do not like to discuss.  It seems people picture a depressed person as someone alone in a dark room, unable to function possibly contemplating suicide.  Yes, there are people like that.  However, there are more people that are functioning and out in the world.  You would never know by looking at them that they are depressed or struggling.