I watched a show the other night that dealt with infertility. A woman had gone through IVF but the embryos that were transplanted were not hers. There was a mix up at the office where the procedure took place and another couple’s embryos were implanted. She decided to carry the baby to term even though it would be her last pregnancy. She then had to give the baby over to the biological parents. I was asked if that was something I would be able to do. I believe it is.
My husband and I have tried to have a second child for nearly 8 years. We’ve survived 2 miscarriages and 2 inseminations that did not take. I choose the word survived with care but I believe that survive is exactly what we did. I know that I was so caught up in my own pain, and still am that I don’t see what he is going through. It’s been nearly a year since the last miscarriage. It was a horrible experience that was my worst nightmare. I had a difficult time with the first one but I didn’t realize just how much it had affected me until I got pregnant the third time. It took 5 years for me to get pregnant after the first miscarriage. During that time I thought I had gotten past the loss. That is until the first time I went to the bathroom after I got a positive result. Then I realized that every time I went to the bathroom I was afraid to wipe. I was afraid there would be blood on the paper.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant I made a doctor appointment. I was so concerned that I would have issues and given my history the doctor was willing to see me. On a Tuesday, we went in for an ultrasound and to meet the doc. He looked for the baby and we saw him/her. He or she looked like a peanut. So, we started referring to him/her as peanut. We weren’t able to see or hear the heartbeat but he said it was probably just too early. So they scheduled me to come back in a week and to get some blood work done to check my HCG levels.
The day that my nightmare was realized I was alone. It was a Friday evening and my son and husband had left town. They often go camping for the weekend in a place where cell phones do not work. I was concerned about the light pink blood on the paper but tried to convince myself that everything was ok. After all, I had just had my second round of blood work done that day, my numbers were good and I wasn’t having any cramping. I stayed up late that night arguing with myself. By Saturday morning I was still spotting and sometimes it was light, sometimes dark. I was spending the entire day either in bed or in the bathroom. I couldn’t seem to stay out of there. It was like a magnet. Though it wasn’t rational I think I believed I could control the situation by going to the bathroom and constantly checking. Around 2, I finally called in to the doctor. He told me that if I was miscarrying there wasn’t much he could do at that time. That I should just rest and if the pain increased I could consider going to the ER. If I started passing clots then I should be concerned. Otherwise, wait until Monday and talk to my normal doctor. So, that’s what I did. I waited, the cramps started, and I ended up in a lot of pain. Yet I didn’t want to go to the ER. After all, I couldn’t really be miscarrying if no one could diagnose it. By late Saturday night or early Sunday morning, I was passing large clots. I knew then even though I wouldn’t allow myself to believe it. My husband came home on Sunday evening and I told him what was happening. I really don’t remember his response. I was so caught up in myself. On Monday I called my doctor. He sent me to get blood work and it was official. I had lost another baby. I was devastated.
On that same day I found out that a good friend of mine had given birth. I went straight from my blood draw to another hospital to hold that new precious bundle of joy. I hid my personal trauma and beamed at this new little blessing that had come into the world. He was so small, so perfect, so not mine. Now, every year I will have this reminder of that dreadful day. At least it will be a day I can also celebrate.
So yes, I do believe I would carry someone else’s child to term if I was in the situation I mentioned above. I don’t think I could ever abort a baby and I know what it feels like to lose one. I don’t think I could but no one really knows until they face a situation head on.
You never know what you are capable of handling or doing until you are faced with it, even if it is your worst nightmare.
I hate that you've been through this. 5 years between pregnancies. :( what heartbreak all around.
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