Recently, some people have been (gently) pushing me to make my blog public. The thought of this terrifies me. I love reading other people's blogs and am amazed at their openness and honesty. I've not really changed my opinion of these people, but I certainly see them clearer. Publicly owning your thoughts makes you vulnerable and being vulnerable isn't something I embrace. Actually, it scares the shit out of me.
I'd love to have thousands of followers and still keep my anonymity. I mean, I love my 3 followers, but more the merrier, right?! I know some will appreciate my writing and some won’t. That's life. Let's face it, in real life I'm not everyone's cup of tea. It certainly won’t be any different in blog world. So what to do? Face my fear? Wait until I'm 100% ready? As if, that'll ever happen.
I've read over my previous posts and try to think about all my friends, acquaintances, etc reading them. My family would be shocked, by some, and some friends would judge. Of course, part of what I've been working on is not caring what other's think and just embracing me in all my uniqueness. I'm guessing that the friends that judge aren't really close friends otherwise, they'd already know everything.
It's interesting that every time I think of being judged, two people in particular stand out. Both are the sweetest, most supportive people to your face but the moment you turn around, they've got a comment or some sort of negative insert. No one is safe from their lashing. It makes me wonder how people can act that way. I don't understand it, maybe never will. I'm typically the type that will tell you what I think to your face or just keep my mouth shut. I don't like pretending. This is probably the reason I am so polarizing. People, love me or hate me, it seems. But people flock to the two women I mentioned. I mean flock! I'm not sure if it's because they are so out going, seem so supportive, or what the reason. I'm baffled.
People do not flock to me. Perhaps, my insecurities cause me to come across as snobbish or unfriendly. Perhaps, it's all me and not others. Maybe I'm putting out to the universe what I feel inside and therefore cause that reaction. I'd love to be one of those people that others flock to but not sure how to become that. I know when I have enough alcohol I feel that way. Perhaps it's because I let down my walls and just have fun without worry of judgment.
Oh what to do... perhaps I'll be struck with a bolt of courage and will share this publicly. Perhaps I'll realize to really be me; I have to do bulldoze this wall. Perhaps I'll get drunk and share it with the world. Perhaps I'll just slam the door closed. For now, I will leave the internal debate for another day and will go reheat my tea.
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