Do Over

Oh running how I loath like love you. You’ve been a great companion for the last few years. I’ve used you to increase my self-esteem, lose weight, therapy, escape and getting to know myself. I’m sad that the last few months I haven’t wanted you. I seem to have lost all interest. I’ve gone down a short list of reasons and nixed them all.  They were all just excuses.  Finally, yesterday, I realized what happened. I took the joy out of our relationship.

I started focusing so much on trying to be better and faster that I lost site of why I was running. 

Yes, I am competitive. Yes, it is fun to challenge myself. Yes, it is nice to measure improvement. Yes it is empowering to see results.  All of these are great but not when they become the only things.  I lost sight of the main goal - spending time with myself.

I had reached a point where I would feel guilty if I didn't run faster or improve in some way.  I constantly wanted to PR and would beat myself up if I didn't have some kind of measurable improvement.  Being able to say "that felt great" was no longer enough.  I would battle myself everyday and feel guilty if I skipped a run.  I turned our special time into a chore.  Lost were the days where you made everything better.  I know the exact moment I gave up on you.  It had been coming for awhile but I was blind to see it.  I was in the middle of a half marathon and I almost stopped.  I asked mysefl "Why am I doing this?  I'm not even enjoying it.  This isn't fun." I wanted to walk off the course and go back to my hotel room.  I ended up finishing the race out of sheer will.  I was miserable mentally, in pain and felt sick.  I've only ran one time since that day.  I set myself up to fail and didn't even realize it.  Understanding how I got there was the biggest battle.  Now I can come back and be committed to you again.

Soon I will be back out there enjoying the breeze on my face, the music in my ears, the beat of my heart, and clarity of my thinking. I will leave the pressure behind and just go have fun.  A good run always makes me feel so alive, as if each drop of sweat is cleansing my soul.