Movement

The other day I found myself sitting at the self-help center at my local court house.  I was on a wait list for a divorce document workshop.  This was for people just preparing to file.  As I sat in the old, hard chair reminded of elementary school, I started to have anxiety.  Not because of why I was there but because I had to do this alone and it will change my life.  I know it is right, I know it is what I want but it will change everything about my life as I know it.  I’ve lived with unhappiness for so long, I know it well, we’ve become friends, knowing what to expect of each other.  It’s a comfortable place even if an unhappy one.  To walk away and toward a new life is scary and wonderful at the same time.  As I felt myself sinking into the anxiety attack I reached out to two friends.  Two amazing friends that could both offer me something different.   One reminding me that this is ultimately a good thing.  The other to make me smile.  As if they knew exactly what I needed, they fell into their roles getting me through the moments I needed to calm my breathing and my mind.  The best distractions.

Around 20 minutes after the scheduled start time we were called back one-by-one.  I was the last called and got a seat in the front.  The woman leading the workshop jumped right in and informed us this was a two hour event.  Three hours later, I had nearly completed paperwork and was almost ready to file.  Just needing to figure out a few details.  I left feeling positive, motivated, well informed and like I got this.  But as with a lot of things in life it is a roller coaster ride.  By the end of the day I was mentally exhausted and had lost motivation to complete my homework.  So, when my soon-to-be-ex didn’t push for the conversation I requested, I left it alone.   It helped that he disappeared quickly after arriving home.   

I don’t want to fight over this divorce.  I don’t want to drag it out but I do want what is fair and reasonable for both of us.  (We’ve been married nearly 18 years and together over 20.  That is a long time and over half my life.)  In an attempt to achieve this I have tried to be very forthcoming, even so far as reading every detail of my paperwork to him.  This has led to some confrontations and him being upset with me.   Given that we are still living under the same roof, with our child, it has led to some tension in the home.  It has also led to me looking forward to the nights he stays at his girlfriend’s house. 

To help calm my nerves through this process and to try to gain control over an out-of-control situation, I have taken to purging my house of everything extra.  If I don’t want something, I am giving him the option to have it then getting rid of everything else.  It is very cleansing.  I even went through all my books.  I have 16 small packing boxes full of books I have collected over the years.  I tried to purge them around a year ago and couldn’t do it.  I guess things happen when they are supposed to.  I’m now ready to part with them and look forward to a future where I have bookshelves again and can start my collection over.   Doing this makes my life feel tidier, like I’m taking back control and that I can let go of my old friend unhappiness who helped me collect all this shit.  I have also started mediating for 10 minutes every morning, journaling and reading to start my day.  I’m only on day three but again, I feel like this is me taking back my life and returning to me.  The me that I lost along the way.  The me that I used to love but let go.  The me that has been lurking in the shadows waiting for permission to enter the light.