Again

Time is passing quickly and changes happen at every corner.  It's been a crazy few years and sharing has felt like a chore on a long to do list.  I've opened this many times and started to type or sat and stared at the screen trying to determine how to transfer what is in my brain into rational thought on "paper."

I did manage to keep a hand written journal almost daily for over a year.  It was only the second time I completely filled one.  Then I promptly spilled coffee all over it, ruining it.  At first I was upset, probably even cried over it, but now it seems that was the best thing that could've happened to it.  It was full of pain, confusion and sadness.   It was an outlet for my anger.   I wrote about my divorce, a horrible relationship I was in and other heartache and a few triumphs.   It is as if I cleansed it with my favorite drink.  A perfect way to close those chapters.  

Now I sit here vowing to myself to write more.  I've missed it.  I've missed me.  I no longer have the noose of censorship and I have a story to share.  

Growth

As 2019 wrapped up I reflected on the lessons of the year and how they would shape my goals for 2020.  I wanted my goals to be positive and reflect real change that took all the internal work I’d been doing and make a difference in the world.  I had a difficult time deciding exactly what that would or even could look like.  I asked a lot of people their goals and enjoyed listening as they shared, taking pieces that I wanted to implement in my own life.  But I struggled to find that little something that I wanted to do that I felt would be impactful. I came up with basic things like finally moving, planning some fun events, reconnecting with my creative side, career possibilities and getting out of debt.   All great goals but not impactful in the way I want to make a difference. 

Then on January 2, 2020 I had a life changing experience.  Something I have waited 30 years for and spent endless hours trying to accomplish… 

I found my biological father.  Take a moment and really let that sink in.  After 30 years I. found. my. biological. father.  A man I only knew three things about. Three.  I had never seen a picture of him. I had never heard his voice.  I had never had any interaction at all.  I didn’t know if he knew I existed.  I had no idea if he had other kids, how he would react when I told him…  For every question, there was another question.  

After a few times of getting my hopes up and being devastated I stopped being hopeful in my search.   When I submitted my second DNA test to a second processor I wasn’t hopeful.  I wasn’t excited.  I couldn’t allow myself to be.  There had been too much trauma and disappointment through the years.  I couldn’t bring myself to believe this time would be different. 

Then on January 2, 2020 everything changed.

The build up was so long and slow then it was like a switch was flipped and everything happened quickly. I was overwhelmed, excited, and completely in shock.  I felt everything and nothing.   I couldn’t form complete thoughts because EVERY thought was swirling in my brain.  Then I talked to him.  

For the first time I was able to hear his voice.  He answered questions, made me laugh, asked about me and my life and let me know that I am no longer an only child.  I have siblings- brothers and sisters!  I have more nieces and nephews.  I have a big family.  So here I am now trying to wrap my head around all of this and embracing every single moment.

I found on one of my sister’s (I can’t believe I have sisters!) facebook page that her word for the year is growth.  I bet she didn’t see this kind of growth coming!  I think it is a perfect word for me too.  (Look at me already stealing from my sister.)   I also believe the impact I’ll make this year is sharing my story as I learn about this side of my family, my history and finally connecting these dots.  

Twentypointfive

February 1, 2019 is the day I filed for divorce. Nine days before our 18th wedding anniversary. 20 years, 7 months and 11 days after our first date.

I showed up at the court house at 8:15 am for a document review appointment. This is a great service offered at the self-help center of our court house. 2.5 hours later I walked through double glass doors, stood in line and held back tears. This was not the place to break down. I pulled from every "do not cry" strategy I've picked up through my 40 plus years.

As I finally walked to the counter and handed her the large packet of papers, my heart broke. Not because I changed my mind or think I will regret this but because I failed. We failed. We've spent 20.5 years getting to this point. That's 20.5 years of love, fights, disappointments, celebrations, friendship, anger, happiness, misunderstandings, sleeping on the couch, losing loved ones, celebrating births, marriages, funerals, opening and closing businesses, new careers, loss, grief, struggle, laughter, health issues, new experiences, and the list goes on. It's 20.5 years of life and life is short.

As I stood there waiting for the woman at the desk to process my paperwork I realized I couldn't stop shaking. It had started while reviewing the paperwork but now it was increasing. It was like the tears I wouldn't allow were making my body tremble.

I turned my focus to the people around me - the man having a conversation in spanish while his friend was trying to leave, the person frustrated because their paperwork to change their gender and name wasn't complete and the woman behind the counter was asking too many questions, to the woman that kept asking how to do her job and to the security guards scanning people through.

Returning to the task at hand, the woman kept handing me copies of the documents which I needed to write the case number on each cover page. I don't think I will ever forget my case number. I wondered how they got the number. It seems the last digits are how many cases have been filed this year. Could there really be that many in only 32 days? I wonder how many there are in a year, just in our county.

Divorce is hard and the paperwork is insane. You have to provide a full financial disclosure, outline everything you've accumulated during the marriage, assign values, who gets it and try to make it fair. At least I tried to make it fair. I feel I was extremely reasonable and hope he realizes it. It's hard to sum your life up on paper. How do you account for 20.5 years in a few dozen papers. It's sad really that it comes down to this. If getting married was as challenging as getting a divorce, there would be a lot less marriages. Another thing we've got backward as a society.

As I finally left the building, 2 copies in hand - his and hers.  Oh the irony.  I had only one goal in mind. I needed to get to my car before the tears started streaming. Of course, this was the perfect time to bump into a colleague that wanted to rehash a previous conversation. My continuing to walk and just say thank you was no deterrent for her. I finally just had to say "thank you, I've got to run."

As I climbed in the car and locked the doors, I gave my body permission to release the tension and tears but they wouldn't come. It's funny how our bodies react. For a good thirty minutes it was all I could do to hold back and now nothing. I just sat there and shook. After a few minutes I headed to work with a few rogue tears making their way down my cheeks.

My next goal was to figure out how to serve him the papers. It needed to be that day. There wasn't going to be a scene, he expected them, it should be easy.  I called to figure out where to serve him. The hardest part was finding someone to do it for me since I'm not allowed.  Finally a friend agreed, she met us at 3 pm and at 3:03 pm he had papers in hand and in 6 months and 1 day we will be officially divorced. It was very anti-climatic considering all the work, emotions and time to get to that moment.

I don't know what my life is going to look like going forward. It's hard to imagine. I doubled in age with him and it's a very different world than it was 20.5 years ago. I do know that I feel a huge sense of relief and a lighter weight on my shoulders. I know I will make it through all of this and the future is bright. I know I have amazing friends and family that support me and stand beside me. I'm open to love and that perfect-for-me person. The roller coast will continue and I'm looking forward to the ride and sharing it. I've learned what I want, don't want, the deal breakers and where I will compromise.   I'm ready for this new journey.

Sadness

Today I am sad.  The kind of sadness you feel deep in your stomach that permeates out.  Like a fire, all encompassing.  The reason I am sad isn’t what is important but how I handle it.  Do I recognize it, embrace it and move through it?  Do I fight to change the reason, possibly only prolonging the inevitable?  Buying time for alternative.  Do I put on the mask I am so used to and pretend the world is glossy like the pages of a magazine?  

I know the “healthy” choice but I don’t know what I will do.  I don’t know how to process my sadness.  I don’t want to slide on the mask I wore for years.  I’ve fought so hard to lose it, hide it, destroy it, make it unrecognizable to me BUT it seems the easiest of the options.  Put on the brave face and “fake it until I make it” waiting until I see how things play out. 

Yesterday I was reminded of a meme that basically reads to fret over a choice is to say that one is better than the other when in reality they could both be good.  One does not have to be wrong.  They may take you down different paths but it doesn’t mean one is better than the other.  Also, if it is meant to be, the journey may be different but the destination the same.

Here’s what I do know.  I made the right choice that led to my sadness.  I realize that seems odd but sometimes what is best for you hurts the most.  I gave up control of the situation but I had to.  This will not be easy to get through no matter which path I take.  That, if fate is real, then the destination is predetermined. 

Movement

The other day I found myself sitting at the self-help center at my local court house.  I was on a wait list for a divorce document workshop.  This was for people just preparing to file.  As I sat in the old, hard chair reminded of elementary school, I started to have anxiety.  Not because of why I was there but because I had to do this alone and it will change my life.  I know it is right, I know it is what I want but it will change everything about my life as I know it.  I’ve lived with unhappiness for so long, I know it well, we’ve become friends, knowing what to expect of each other.  It’s a comfortable place even if an unhappy one.  To walk away and toward a new life is scary and wonderful at the same time.  As I felt myself sinking into the anxiety attack I reached out to two friends.  Two amazing friends that could both offer me something different.   One reminding me that this is ultimately a good thing.  The other to make me smile.  As if they knew exactly what I needed, they fell into their roles getting me through the moments I needed to calm my breathing and my mind.  The best distractions.

Around 20 minutes after the scheduled start time we were called back one-by-one.  I was the last called and got a seat in the front.  The woman leading the workshop jumped right in and informed us this was a two hour event.  Three hours later, I had nearly completed paperwork and was almost ready to file.  Just needing to figure out a few details.  I left feeling positive, motivated, well informed and like I got this.  But as with a lot of things in life it is a roller coaster ride.  By the end of the day I was mentally exhausted and had lost motivation to complete my homework.  So, when my soon-to-be-ex didn’t push for the conversation I requested, I left it alone.   It helped that he disappeared quickly after arriving home.   

I don’t want to fight over this divorce.  I don’t want to drag it out but I do want what is fair and reasonable for both of us.  (We’ve been married nearly 18 years and together over 20.  That is a long time and over half my life.)  In an attempt to achieve this I have tried to be very forthcoming, even so far as reading every detail of my paperwork to him.  This has led to some confrontations and him being upset with me.   Given that we are still living under the same roof, with our child, it has led to some tension in the home.  It has also led to me looking forward to the nights he stays at his girlfriend’s house. 

To help calm my nerves through this process and to try to gain control over an out-of-control situation, I have taken to purging my house of everything extra.  If I don’t want something, I am giving him the option to have it then getting rid of everything else.  It is very cleansing.  I even went through all my books.  I have 16 small packing boxes full of books I have collected over the years.  I tried to purge them around a year ago and couldn’t do it.  I guess things happen when they are supposed to.  I’m now ready to part with them and look forward to a future where I have bookshelves again and can start my collection over.   Doing this makes my life feel tidier, like I’m taking back control and that I can let go of my old friend unhappiness who helped me collect all this shit.  I have also started mediating for 10 minutes every morning, journaling and reading to start my day.  I’m only on day three but again, I feel like this is me taking back my life and returning to me.  The me that I lost along the way.  The me that I used to love but let go.  The me that has been lurking in the shadows waiting for permission to enter the light.     

Heartbreak

Hearbreak. It is the most painful experience. Nothing heals it except time and you can't control time. You cannot make the process faster. I wish I had a time machine and could skip ahead 1 month, 6 month or even a year, however long it takes.

I sit looking at the ring you gave me, spinning it, playing with it smiling because it doesn't fit right. A special promise made between us, private moments wrapped up in it, representing so much. I want to remove it so I do not have the constant reminder but can't bring myself to do it yet. It isn't like you aren't constantly on my mind anyway.

I think back to when we first met. What a surprise you were. The questions you asked, the awkwardness I felt because you caught me off guard. The times I've made a fool of myself and couldn't help but laugh at my ridiculousness. The way you checked on me, worried about me, all the times I didn't tell you that meant so much. The way we made love, laughed and embraced what life threw at us. How you made me feel like the most special woman in the world. How I tried to find ways to make you feel the same.

Yes, as with every relationship there were rough times; tears, frustration, anger, feelings of helplessness, ways we hurt each other without meaning to, lots of apologies and promises of making it up. It was all worth it. Trying to navigate a relationship, learning a person and living life isn't easy. There are constant obsticles - sometimes creating our own, sometimes dodging those thown at us. The goal is to find the person you want standing next to you as a united front as you face them. For me, that person was you.

We cant deny that we had something special. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the time we did have and all I am walking away with in the form of memories. What's that old saying? It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

I know with time this will get easier. Time. One of the few things you can't control.

           

Awakening

I've come to the realization lately that I've let other people control how I live my life.  I didn't do it intentionally and if you'd said it six months ago, I would've fought you on it and been pissed that you had the audacity to say the words. (In fact, I've probably had a similar blog post previously.) I've felt independent but in reality I allowed the idea of what my life should be to dictate how I lived it.  I was raised in the bible belt with strict guidelines on how things should be.  You conduct yourself in a certain way... you grow up and get married.... you have kids... you do this, you do that, etc.  Church every Sunday morning, night and Wednesday night. You love and fear God and make all decisions based on his word.  It's interesting because these guidelines were there but impossible to live by.  The people around me did the best they could but they weren't perfect.  Who is?  We're all human.  I'd see them crying and kneeling and begging for forgiveness, only to stand up the next day and perpetrate the same sins again.  I never questioned it.  I didn't know I was supposed to.  I didn't know I was allowed to.  Over the last 20+ years I've slowly grown to understand there are many ways to live a good, healthy life and every time I get there I realize I have so much growing to do.  I've back slid in many ways but overall I have forward motion.  

Now, I find myself in another difficult, life changing scenario and beginning to question everything again. It's scary and wonderful and challenging and really f'ing hard.  That's why I need to start this blog again.  I need to have an outlet and not hold myself back.  I need to be confident and honest and make the best of this life.  It's cliche but it's the only one I have and I don't want to look back and continue to have regrets.   

The coping mechanisms I've learned are helpful but I don't want to use them.  I want to bury my head in the sand or under the covers.   I want to hide and hope the solutions find themselves.  I want to do this but I can't.  I owe it to myself to show up, to feel, to move forward even if I'm crawling.  I owe it to myself to put my phone down and to open up to people that can be present for me.  I owe it to myself to recognize the anxiety, fear and other emotions, to call them out and to work through them.  Life can be hard but I can do this.