Torn

Sitting here in the sun enjoying a beautiful afternoon but I'm torn.  As usual, I'm torn between what I should be doing and what I want to do.  This should come as no surprise as it's typical for how I've always lived my life.  I grew up with a certain way I was to be seen, act and believe.  There was no room for deviation and little tolerance for anything outside the considered norm.  We didn't talk about things considered private and I learned to navigate my way through life on my own. 

It was unfortunate that many times when I was torn between what was expected of me and what I wanted I went with what was expected.  When I did choose to go off the given path I was rather good at being discrete.  However, when my little rebellious streak really struck I gave it 100% and held my ground.  It was dumb and I learned a life lesson.  A lesson that changed my entire future.  I have no regrets and wouldn't change a thing.  But I do wonder what if I had made a different decision.  How would my life be now? 

I always wanted to be loved and showered with attention.  To know that I was the center of someone's universe.   As soon as I received that from a man I became like a sponge, soaking it up and longing for more.  Unfortunately, it wasn't something that lasted.  It would be easy to point out the reasons that he caused this failed relationship. But I'm here to focus on me and my biggest contribution was my inability to believe I deserved what I desired most.   How can one possible succeed if they believe the are unworthy and destined to fail?

I've always longed for attention.  Any kind of attention yet am embarrassed upon receipt.  I somehow never feel deserving and often think it to be some kind of joke and that my acceptance of it will be the punch line.  This is why I am unable to graciously accept a compliment and find it hard to give them.  At least those that are more than surface deep.

I realize this is a problem of mine and I'm working to rectify it.  I'm learning to just say thank you and not make a joke or down play it.  I'm learning to tell that little voice in my head to be quiet and to stop the negative talk.  I am learning to believe them.  I am me and me is enough.  Though I constantly work to improve myself, at this moment in time I AM ENOUGH.  Every time I repeat this I believe it a little more.

I'm a work in progress and I have my ups and downs.  I have my low self-esteem days and the days I think I'm bad ass.  There are days I wish to bare my soul and days where I feel it and my heart need to be protected because any hint of imperfection will destroy me. Today, today is a day where I'm willing to open myself to you and embrace you with all that I have.