Again

Time is passing quickly and changes happen at every corner.  It's been a crazy few years and sharing has felt like a chore on a long to do list.  I've opened this many times and started to type or sat and stared at the screen trying to determine how to transfer what is in my brain into rational thought on "paper."

I did manage to keep a hand written journal almost daily for over a year.  It was only the second time I completely filled one.  Then I promptly spilled coffee all over it, ruining it.  At first I was upset, probably even cried over it, but now it seems that was the best thing that could've happened to it.  It was full of pain, confusion and sadness.   It was an outlet for my anger.   I wrote about my divorce, a horrible relationship I was in and other heartache and a few triumphs.   It is as if I cleansed it with my favorite drink.  A perfect way to close those chapters.  

Now I sit here vowing to myself to write more.  I've missed it.  I've missed me.  I no longer have the noose of censorship and I have a story to share.  

Growth

As 2019 wrapped up I reflected on the lessons of the year and how they would shape my goals for 2020.  I wanted my goals to be positive and reflect real change that took all the internal work I’d been doing and make a difference in the world.  I had a difficult time deciding exactly what that would or even could look like.  I asked a lot of people their goals and enjoyed listening as they shared, taking pieces that I wanted to implement in my own life.  But I struggled to find that little something that I wanted to do that I felt would be impactful. I came up with basic things like finally moving, planning some fun events, reconnecting with my creative side, career possibilities and getting out of debt.   All great goals but not impactful in the way I want to make a difference. 

Then on January 2, 2020 I had a life changing experience.  Something I have waited 30 years for and spent endless hours trying to accomplish… 

I found my biological father.  Take a moment and really let that sink in.  After 30 years I. found. my. biological. father.  A man I only knew three things about. Three.  I had never seen a picture of him. I had never heard his voice.  I had never had any interaction at all.  I didn’t know if he knew I existed.  I had no idea if he had other kids, how he would react when I told him…  For every question, there was another question.  

After a few times of getting my hopes up and being devastated I stopped being hopeful in my search.   When I submitted my second DNA test to a second processor I wasn’t hopeful.  I wasn’t excited.  I couldn’t allow myself to be.  There had been too much trauma and disappointment through the years.  I couldn’t bring myself to believe this time would be different. 

Then on January 2, 2020 everything changed.

The build up was so long and slow then it was like a switch was flipped and everything happened quickly. I was overwhelmed, excited, and completely in shock.  I felt everything and nothing.   I couldn’t form complete thoughts because EVERY thought was swirling in my brain.  Then I talked to him.  

For the first time I was able to hear his voice.  He answered questions, made me laugh, asked about me and my life and let me know that I am no longer an only child.  I have siblings- brothers and sisters!  I have more nieces and nephews.  I have a big family.  So here I am now trying to wrap my head around all of this and embracing every single moment.

I found on one of my sister’s (I can’t believe I have sisters!) facebook page that her word for the year is growth.  I bet she didn’t see this kind of growth coming!  I think it is a perfect word for me too.  (Look at me already stealing from my sister.)   I also believe the impact I’ll make this year is sharing my story as I learn about this side of my family, my history and finally connecting these dots.  

Twentypointfive

February 1, 2019 is the day I filed for divorce. Nine days before our 18th wedding anniversary. 20 years, 7 months and 11 days after our first date.

I showed up at the court house at 8:15 am for a document review appointment. This is a great service offered at the self-help center of our court house. 2.5 hours later I walked through double glass doors, stood in line and held back tears. This was not the place to break down. I pulled from every "do not cry" strategy I've picked up through my 40 plus years.

As I finally walked to the counter and handed her the large packet of papers, my heart broke. Not because I changed my mind or think I will regret this but because I failed. We failed. We've spent 20.5 years getting to this point. That's 20.5 years of love, fights, disappointments, celebrations, friendship, anger, happiness, misunderstandings, sleeping on the couch, losing loved ones, celebrating births, marriages, funerals, opening and closing businesses, new careers, loss, grief, struggle, laughter, health issues, new experiences, and the list goes on. It's 20.5 years of life and life is short.

As I stood there waiting for the woman at the desk to process my paperwork I realized I couldn't stop shaking. It had started while reviewing the paperwork but now it was increasing. It was like the tears I wouldn't allow were making my body tremble.

I turned my focus to the people around me - the man having a conversation in spanish while his friend was trying to leave, the person frustrated because their paperwork to change their gender and name wasn't complete and the woman behind the counter was asking too many questions, to the woman that kept asking how to do her job and to the security guards scanning people through.

Returning to the task at hand, the woman kept handing me copies of the documents which I needed to write the case number on each cover page. I don't think I will ever forget my case number. I wondered how they got the number. It seems the last digits are how many cases have been filed this year. Could there really be that many in only 32 days? I wonder how many there are in a year, just in our county.

Divorce is hard and the paperwork is insane. You have to provide a full financial disclosure, outline everything you've accumulated during the marriage, assign values, who gets it and try to make it fair. At least I tried to make it fair. I feel I was extremely reasonable and hope he realizes it. It's hard to sum your life up on paper. How do you account for 20.5 years in a few dozen papers. It's sad really that it comes down to this. If getting married was as challenging as getting a divorce, there would be a lot less marriages. Another thing we've got backward as a society.

As I finally left the building, 2 copies in hand - his and hers.  Oh the irony.  I had only one goal in mind. I needed to get to my car before the tears started streaming. Of course, this was the perfect time to bump into a colleague that wanted to rehash a previous conversation. My continuing to walk and just say thank you was no deterrent for her. I finally just had to say "thank you, I've got to run."

As I climbed in the car and locked the doors, I gave my body permission to release the tension and tears but they wouldn't come. It's funny how our bodies react. For a good thirty minutes it was all I could do to hold back and now nothing. I just sat there and shook. After a few minutes I headed to work with a few rogue tears making their way down my cheeks.

My next goal was to figure out how to serve him the papers. It needed to be that day. There wasn't going to be a scene, he expected them, it should be easy.  I called to figure out where to serve him. The hardest part was finding someone to do it for me since I'm not allowed.  Finally a friend agreed, she met us at 3 pm and at 3:03 pm he had papers in hand and in 6 months and 1 day we will be officially divorced. It was very anti-climatic considering all the work, emotions and time to get to that moment.

I don't know what my life is going to look like going forward. It's hard to imagine. I doubled in age with him and it's a very different world than it was 20.5 years ago. I do know that I feel a huge sense of relief and a lighter weight on my shoulders. I know I will make it through all of this and the future is bright. I know I have amazing friends and family that support me and stand beside me. I'm open to love and that perfect-for-me person. The roller coast will continue and I'm looking forward to the ride and sharing it. I've learned what I want, don't want, the deal breakers and where I will compromise.   I'm ready for this new journey.

Sadness

Today I am sad.  The kind of sadness you feel deep in your stomach that permeates out.  Like a fire, all encompassing.  The reason I am sad isn’t what is important but how I handle it.  Do I recognize it, embrace it and move through it?  Do I fight to change the reason, possibly only prolonging the inevitable?  Buying time for alternative.  Do I put on the mask I am so used to and pretend the world is glossy like the pages of a magazine?  

I know the “healthy” choice but I don’t know what I will do.  I don’t know how to process my sadness.  I don’t want to slide on the mask I wore for years.  I’ve fought so hard to lose it, hide it, destroy it, make it unrecognizable to me BUT it seems the easiest of the options.  Put on the brave face and “fake it until I make it” waiting until I see how things play out. 

Yesterday I was reminded of a meme that basically reads to fret over a choice is to say that one is better than the other when in reality they could both be good.  One does not have to be wrong.  They may take you down different paths but it doesn’t mean one is better than the other.  Also, if it is meant to be, the journey may be different but the destination the same.

Here’s what I do know.  I made the right choice that led to my sadness.  I realize that seems odd but sometimes what is best for you hurts the most.  I gave up control of the situation but I had to.  This will not be easy to get through no matter which path I take.  That, if fate is real, then the destination is predetermined. 

Movement

The other day I found myself sitting at the self-help center at my local court house.  I was on a wait list for a divorce document workshop.  This was for people just preparing to file.  As I sat in the old, hard chair reminded of elementary school, I started to have anxiety.  Not because of why I was there but because I had to do this alone and it will change my life.  I know it is right, I know it is what I want but it will change everything about my life as I know it.  I’ve lived with unhappiness for so long, I know it well, we’ve become friends, knowing what to expect of each other.  It’s a comfortable place even if an unhappy one.  To walk away and toward a new life is scary and wonderful at the same time.  As I felt myself sinking into the anxiety attack I reached out to two friends.  Two amazing friends that could both offer me something different.   One reminding me that this is ultimately a good thing.  The other to make me smile.  As if they knew exactly what I needed, they fell into their roles getting me through the moments I needed to calm my breathing and my mind.  The best distractions.

Around 20 minutes after the scheduled start time we were called back one-by-one.  I was the last called and got a seat in the front.  The woman leading the workshop jumped right in and informed us this was a two hour event.  Three hours later, I had nearly completed paperwork and was almost ready to file.  Just needing to figure out a few details.  I left feeling positive, motivated, well informed and like I got this.  But as with a lot of things in life it is a roller coaster ride.  By the end of the day I was mentally exhausted and had lost motivation to complete my homework.  So, when my soon-to-be-ex didn’t push for the conversation I requested, I left it alone.   It helped that he disappeared quickly after arriving home.   

I don’t want to fight over this divorce.  I don’t want to drag it out but I do want what is fair and reasonable for both of us.  (We’ve been married nearly 18 years and together over 20.  That is a long time and over half my life.)  In an attempt to achieve this I have tried to be very forthcoming, even so far as reading every detail of my paperwork to him.  This has led to some confrontations and him being upset with me.   Given that we are still living under the same roof, with our child, it has led to some tension in the home.  It has also led to me looking forward to the nights he stays at his girlfriend’s house. 

To help calm my nerves through this process and to try to gain control over an out-of-control situation, I have taken to purging my house of everything extra.  If I don’t want something, I am giving him the option to have it then getting rid of everything else.  It is very cleansing.  I even went through all my books.  I have 16 small packing boxes full of books I have collected over the years.  I tried to purge them around a year ago and couldn’t do it.  I guess things happen when they are supposed to.  I’m now ready to part with them and look forward to a future where I have bookshelves again and can start my collection over.   Doing this makes my life feel tidier, like I’m taking back control and that I can let go of my old friend unhappiness who helped me collect all this shit.  I have also started mediating for 10 minutes every morning, journaling and reading to start my day.  I’m only on day three but again, I feel like this is me taking back my life and returning to me.  The me that I lost along the way.  The me that I used to love but let go.  The me that has been lurking in the shadows waiting for permission to enter the light.     

Heartbreak

Hearbreak. It is the most painful experience. Nothing heals it except time and you can't control time. You cannot make the process faster. I wish I had a time machine and could skip ahead 1 month, 6 month or even a year, however long it takes.

I sit looking at the ring you gave me, spinning it, playing with it smiling because it doesn't fit right. A special promise made between us, private moments wrapped up in it, representing so much. I want to remove it so I do not have the constant reminder but can't bring myself to do it yet. It isn't like you aren't constantly on my mind anyway.

I think back to when we first met. What a surprise you were. The questions you asked, the awkwardness I felt because you caught me off guard. The times I've made a fool of myself and couldn't help but laugh at my ridiculousness. The way you checked on me, worried about me, all the times I didn't tell you that meant so much. The way we made love, laughed and embraced what life threw at us. How you made me feel like the most special woman in the world. How I tried to find ways to make you feel the same.

Yes, as with every relationship there were rough times; tears, frustration, anger, feelings of helplessness, ways we hurt each other without meaning to, lots of apologies and promises of making it up. It was all worth it. Trying to navigate a relationship, learning a person and living life isn't easy. There are constant obsticles - sometimes creating our own, sometimes dodging those thown at us. The goal is to find the person you want standing next to you as a united front as you face them. For me, that person was you.

We cant deny that we had something special. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the time we did have and all I am walking away with in the form of memories. What's that old saying? It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

I know with time this will get easier. Time. One of the few things you can't control.

           

Awakening

I've come to the realization lately that I've let other people control how I live my life.  I didn't do it intentionally and if you'd said it six months ago, I would've fought you on it and been pissed that you had the audacity to say the words. (In fact, I've probably had a similar blog post previously.) I've felt independent but in reality I allowed the idea of what my life should be to dictate how I lived it.  I was raised in the bible belt with strict guidelines on how things should be.  You conduct yourself in a certain way... you grow up and get married.... you have kids... you do this, you do that, etc.  Church every Sunday morning, night and Wednesday night. You love and fear God and make all decisions based on his word.  It's interesting because these guidelines were there but impossible to live by.  The people around me did the best they could but they weren't perfect.  Who is?  We're all human.  I'd see them crying and kneeling and begging for forgiveness, only to stand up the next day and perpetrate the same sins again.  I never questioned it.  I didn't know I was supposed to.  I didn't know I was allowed to.  Over the last 20+ years I've slowly grown to understand there are many ways to live a good, healthy life and every time I get there I realize I have so much growing to do.  I've back slid in many ways but overall I have forward motion.  

Now, I find myself in another difficult, life changing scenario and beginning to question everything again. It's scary and wonderful and challenging and really f'ing hard.  That's why I need to start this blog again.  I need to have an outlet and not hold myself back.  I need to be confident and honest and make the best of this life.  It's cliche but it's the only one I have and I don't want to look back and continue to have regrets.   

The coping mechanisms I've learned are helpful but I don't want to use them.  I want to bury my head in the sand or under the covers.   I want to hide and hope the solutions find themselves.  I want to do this but I can't.  I owe it to myself to show up, to feel, to move forward even if I'm crawling.  I owe it to myself to put my phone down and to open up to people that can be present for me.  I owe it to myself to recognize the anxiety, fear and other emotions, to call them out and to work through them.  Life can be hard but I can do this.   

    

Perception

At night the mask comes off and the emotions from the day rush in.  It’s easy to keep things at bay when the hectic moments of the day fight your battles.  It is the silence of the night that rips the heart and mind open.  It forces feelings.  It forces acceptance.  It forces reflection.  The quiet moments we fill with social media and mind numbing television that teaches us nothing except that everyone else has the perfect life.   Making us feel worse and leaving us wondering how we can achieve that perfection.  Perception is a strange phenomenon.   Perception becomes reality but is it real? 

Change is in the Air

For the first time, in as long as I can remember, I went after something I really wanted and could fail.  It was scary for me to put myself out there.  I applied for a job that I wanted so bad I could taste it.  I thought I would be a great fit minus a couple of the criteria.  I checked with the organization and those items were not deal breakers.  I created a resume, something I had not needed since 2006.  I made it to the interview stage and fought through my nerves and left feeling it went well.  There was only one question that I really felt I bombed.  It was a big one but figured I did well enough in other areas that it would be ok.  I fought off my self-doubt.  You know that little voice in the back of your mind that is uber critical?  I shut it down.  I stayed optimistic but also realistic.   My friends and family were amazing.  They told me how I was perfect for it and that it was mine.   I appreciated the encouragement and was proud of putting myself out there.  Guess what happened…  I failed.  Someone else got the job.  The first time I have put myself out there in years and I failed.  I was disappointed but accepting.  Due to my relationship with the organization they explained why they went with another person.  It makes perfect sense and I feel they made the correct decision.   After all, the organization, the work they do and the clients are the most important.  Instead of falling into my old habit of beating myself up, I remained positive.  I really was happy for the chosen person.  I think she will do a great job.  I was not even embarrassed when I had to tell everyone that I was not the person picked.  I had told many people about it too.  I wanted to spread the word that I was going after something.  I did not want to hide behind the concern that I might fail.  That I might be embarrassed.  I wanted to put everything out there.    That was another change I needed to make.  In order for me to feel fully invested I could not hide. I had to completely embrace the entire experience and share it.

Know that saying that everything happens for a reason?  Or one door closes so another can open?  Or things work out how they should?  Well, they did in this case.  Another position came available.  I applied and I was hired!  I am so excited.  This position is going to push me, make me better and allow me to make a difference in my community.  There are aspects that will come naturally and pieces that will stretch my comfort zone.  That little voice is there giving me some doubts but I know I’ve got this. It will come with challenges but it will be worth it and extremely rewarding.  I am blessed to be able to move into a field where I am passionate and get paid for it!  It won’t be all rainbows and jelly beans but is going to be amazing.    I can't wait to share this new journey with you.

I’ve been saying 2016 is going to be a year of change for me.  It is definitely shaping up to be that way – change and growth.  It is going to be a great one! 

Hello 2016 and kiss my ass 2015. 

Until next time

 P.S. My son has taken to calling me Birth Giver.  I have no words for this new title. smh lol

Cassie

I wrote this back in September.  Due to many circumstances I did not get it uploaded until today. 

I have not written in a long time.  Life has been busy and I have not made time for it.  I miss it but it is not a priority.  I am not going to say I do not have time.  Life is about priorities.  We have time for what we make a priority.  So today, when I have a million other priorities, I am taking this morning and writing.  I am taking a few moments for myself to share something very personal.

Yesterday I lost a dear family member.  I had not seen her in many years and had not talked to her in months, maybe over a year.  She was way too young to pass and it is unfair.  She had been battling cancer, had been so brave and strong but it was her time. 

I am sad for all the obvious reasons.  I am also heartbroken because I did not make her a priority in my life.  As children we were close.  Even though I am a bit older than her, we still had fun together.  She is the one cousin I was closest to.  The only one close enough to my age that we played together. 

I do not know much about her adult life.  I know she has children.  I have met one.  I know bits of things from the last time we talked when she updated me on her life.  Sadly, I do not know much.  I spent some of yesterday reading posts about her on Facebook.  Reading what those closest to her had to say.  Learning about what a wonderful woman she had blossomed into.  It made me sad that I did not make the time to know this beautiful woman.  It made me sad that it is too late.  It made me feel guilty to mourn. 

Mostly, it made me realize I need to make more time for those I love.  I need to make them a priority.  Yes, my life is extremely busy but there is always time.  I do not want to live with regrets or looking backward. 

Today, I put on a smile and I prepare for a night of fun and laughter.  Here’s to you my dear.  May you live forever in the hearts of those that love you. 

Until next time.

17 Years

It’s that time again.  It’s the anniversary of when I moved to California.  17 years ago tonight I watched Titanic with the man I loved, finished packing and said our good-byes.  The next day he drove me to the airport and I left for California.  The plan was to live here for 6 months.  Obviously, plans changed and here I am 17 years later. 

I know I’ve written about this a few times.  When the anniversary rolls around, I can’t help but think back over that time in my life.  1998 was probably one of the worst years of my life if you look at all around bad.  I’ve had many difficult years prior and since; some of the events have been far worse than anything I experienced in 1998 but that is the only year I can truly say I hit bottom. 

I was in a relationship that wasn’t healthy for either of us, I was homeless and wearing out my welcome at a friend’s, I had lost so much and was turning away from those most important to me.  I was on a path of destruction but was too deep in the middle to see just how bad.  I was doing a lot of things that could’ve led to my life being much different. 

I sometimes wonder where I would be now if I’d declined the offer, or not agreed to the terms, when given the opportunity to come to California.  I don’t reflect because I regret my decision.  I try to never live with regrets.  I do it because I look at every choice I make as if I am standing at a Y in the road.  Each path is full of possibility.  There will be rough patches but it will be what I make it.

So tonight I look back on that time in my life with fond memories.  It may have been a crazy, effed up time but it led me to here.    

Until Next Time

P.S. Last night my son told me he can make no promises to snuggle me forever because some day he will be a grown man living in Hawaii and I'll be in a senior home. 

Soul Food

This whole not getting to the gym bullshit has sucked.  I only made it two nights last week.  Mom duties and volunteer duties come first but I miss it.  I miss my friends, the weights, the endorphins and the soreness.  I don’t think I said I was sore once this week.  I can’t remember the last time I went a day without saying it.

I knew working out 6 days a week wasn’t going to last but it snuck up on me. 

So after being bummed last night about missing so much gym time and realizing next week will be just as bad,  this morning it dawned on me that this can be a good thing.  WHAT?!  How is that?

WELL…. I have needed to find more time to run and this may force that.  I can control that easier than I can the gym time.  Perhaps this is the universe’s way of telling me “that half is quickly approaching and since you weren’t making the time to run and weight train, I’ll take away your weights several days a week and then you’ll be forced to run!”  That sounds like something the universe would say, right?  Especially after I’ve been telling it I need to make time.

This leads me to my plan to run this morning.  I was going to get up and get out there by 7 or 7:30.  Guess what… I woke up at 7 with a lot of excuses.  Yes, they are excuses (I’ll admit it but they’re really good) and I listened to them.  A year or two ago I would have felt bad about taking this day, especially after all the training I’ve missed recently but I decided I needed this and I will embrace it.

If I don’t have enough down time or ‘me time’ I tend to get cranky, on edge and not be a fun person to be around. (much like when I’m hungry) I recognize this in myself.  As much as I love all I have going on right now, I still have to find some time to calm the world around me and to get centered.  Eventually, I lose the ability to function properly until I hit that reset button. 

Running and the gym give me a different kind of reset.  They make me feel great and feed a part of my soul.   Just like our bodies need different foods to thrive so does my soul.  As I have mentioned before, I am really an introvert living an extrovert’s life.

2 blog posts in one day!  I kinda cheated though.  I’ve been working on the other one for a couple of days.  This one is fresh.

Until Next Time

P.S.  This afternoon I am spending time with amazing and gorgeous (inside and out) women.  That too will feed my soul in a way that only time with other women can.  It’s so easy to focus on the negatives in my life but I have so much positive.  I am blessed and sharing here reminds me of just how much.    

Escaped

Hey Hey Hey!  It’s been a couple of days.

Thursday I filmed my first ever PSA.  Who knew I could act?  Not me and not the video crew. It took about 30 minutes but I finally nailed my line.  I hope I made the cut and will be on TV.  I’m also super nervous about it.  I might be on television!  I’ll write more about that experience when it gets closer to April.  April is Sexual Assault Awareness month and the PSA is related. 

Friday, I got a break from that big project I’m working on.  When asked if I wanted to escape the office for a couple hours, grab lunch on the Monterey Fisherman’s Wharf and check on some jobsites in Pebble Beach, I jumped at the opportunity.  You don’t have to ask me twice if I want to get fresh air and enjoy a beautiful day.  Monterey, Pebble Beach and the Ocean did not disappoint.

 

At the top of the wharf

 

His and Hers lunch - Clam Chowder for the win

Must go back and try these soon

 

Pebble Beach - no filter needed

Blessed to enjoy this view

 I got back to the office just in time to finish a small part of the project.  I am almost half way through and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

On Thursday I finally made it to the gym for the first time this week.  Being that it is the first week of the month, I had to complete benchmark.  Benchmark is 100 reps of each of the following; sit-ups, push-ups, australian pull-ups and body weight squats.  I dropped 1 minute and 5 seconds off last month's time finishing in 15 minutes and 5 seconds.  I was 11 seconds off my best time ever but I’ve increased the difficulty of the sit-ups.  I am now doing inclines instead of flat on the ground.  The transition between the exercises is where I am losing the most time but I’m still improving and I’m super stoked.  I gave everything I had and with the ‘cheering’ on of my trainer, I am more than happy with the results.  I pushed hard and feel I gave it everything I had.  I don’t think I could have done any better this month.  It took me about 20 minutes to fully recover but then I was able to work on my pull-ups.  I’m getting close again and still keep that as one of my main goals.

I also found out this week that I have been accepted as a Stride Box Ambassador.  I am super excited to work with and promote them.  I love the boxes I receive monthly and can’t wait to build a stronger relationship with them.  If you follow my social media, be on the look out for upcoming surprises.  I’ll be giving honest feedback on the products I receive and other fun stuff.  I can’t wait to share more!

Lastly, it is finally March that means I get to be on the judging panel for the Community Service Awards this year.  If you remember, I won the Adult Service Award last year for my work with the Monterey Country Rape Crisis Center.  It was a shining moment for me (except when I tried to give a speech) and this year I get to be a part of the selection group.   I am incredibly honored and excited.  I love seeing the amazing things people in our community are doing.  Surrounding myself with greatness rocks!

 

Until Next Time

P.S. Taking 2 days off from writing sucked!  I missed it.  It has become as important to me as coffee.  Okay, maybe not that important but I hope I never have to choose between the two. 

Middle School

Do you remember what it was like to be in middle school?  No?  If you’re like me then it has been a really long time.  Over the last few months I have been trying to delve into that part of my brain and remember as much as possible. 

It is like a switch went off in my son.  He’s still that loving, hilarious, smart, amazing boy that he was a few months ago but he is also changing.  They are normal changes and he is going through many both physically and mentally.  He is growing into himself, developing his identity and moving into the next part of his journey.  It is amazing and difficult to watch. 

I want to be able to cuddle him and protect him from the world.  I know I have to let him grow and change.  I have to let him grow-up.  I’m just not ready yet.  Every time I am ‘allowed’ to hug him, I hold on as long as possible.  I know we are heading into those years where that isn’t cool.  I just hope they are short lived and he realizes EVERYONE needs hugs from their mom.

He is having new experiences and making friends I’ve never met.  He is dealing with things that I haven’t faced since watching after school specials and some that didn’t even exist back then.  I can only hope that he has taken to heart all those times I’ve told him I am always here.  That he can come to me with anything and we can talk about it.  That even if I am disappointed in behaviors, I will always love him and there isn’t anything he can do that will ever change that. 

We have a night time routine, the same one we’ve had since I got him out of my bed and into his.  Right now, he still embraces it and every day I look forward to it.  I try to never skip a night.  On the rare occasion that I am not home until after he goes to bed, I creep into his room and still go through the actions.  He may never know but I do and I hold every one of the nights tight and treasure them.

Until Next Time

P.S.  I got the results of the mammogram and I am all clear!

SHARKS

Last night I attended my first professional hockey game at the Shark Tank aka SAP Center in San Jose, CA.  I  was invited me to tag along as a fifth wheel and I jumped at the opportunity.  I can check another item off my list of firsts.

We had dinner at The Old Spaghetti Factory.  I wasn’t impressed by the food or the service but they had these amazing chairs.  I was able to sit on my throne.  No one bowed to me.  Maybe next time now that they know who I am. 

During the game, I had no clue what was going on but was on the edge of my seat waiting for a fight.  I thought that was what hockey games were all about.  Unfortunately, the refs kept getting in the way.  So I just enjoyed a beer and a few nachos instead.  The Sharks won 4-0 against the Canadiens (I spelled that right, I checked). 

 On the way back to the car I saw this.  I had never seen on like this before and it was really cool to check out (from a distance) but I’d have to be in dire need to ever touch anything in it. 

I got to bed after midnight and still had to get up early.  There is a reason why I don’t go out on work nights.  It was worth the yawns and extra coffee today.  I’d do it again in a heartbeat. 


Until Next Time

P.S.  I saw this at a pit stop on the way home. 

 

Trail Run

Last night I got to celebrate new beginnings with my partner in crime (PIC) and other great friends.  It was a night full of joy and laughter.  I am so blessed.

 Today, I crawled my butt out of bed and met another friend for a trail run at 7 am.  It had been awhile since I’d seen her and I was excited when she invited me.  She is amazing and runs often.  It was our first time running together and I was nervous about holding her back.  Turns out there was no reason to be concerned.  We all paced ourselves and met up at a T in the trail.  They were doing 16 miles to my 6 so we split up at mile 3.  I took this pic as I was turning to go on my own private little trail.

 

 

Let’s back track just a bit.  The first two miles were almost completely uphill.  I ended up walking a lot more than I expected because of a weird pinching pain in my lower back.  This time it was on the opposite side of my normal sciatic/piriformis pain.  My mantra became my back doesn’t hurt.  Figured that was better than focusing on how much it did hurt.  At mile two I got a little relief and started a flatter/down hill section. 

Miles 2-5.25 were great.  I felt like I could run forever.  I was even thinking about repeating the loop.  I was on top of the world.  I wasn’t even THAT worried when the trail split again and I wasn’t 100% confident I had chosen the correct path.   Soon I started seeing people and familiar landmarks and knew I was headed in the right direction.  I also started having shoulder pain and fatigue - my body reminding me that I haven’t been running like I used to.   

Badger Hills Trail

As I was exiting the trail, I checked my tracker and realized I was at 5.91 miles.  WHAT! I had to hit 6 miles.  So I ran a little extra.  Then decided if I was going to do 6, I might as well do 6.2.  Completing a 10k is WAY better than only doing 6 miles. 

I experienced another first today… 

I ran the entire time without music.  I actually had to listen to my breathing.  Didn’t die. (duh)  It was actually kind of nice.  It was just my breathing, the crunch of the trail under my shoes and nature.  Talk about therapy!  It definitely cleared my head.  It was amazing.  Except for that weird skunk smell…

I noticed people on the trail were friendly.  Everyone said hi or good morning and usually with a smile.  The run ended with me feeling great and accomplished.  I drove away considering how soon I can get out there again. 

When I got home I crawled back in bed for a bit then met a friend for coffee and grocery shopped.  YAY FOOD!!

Starbucks and Sun - yes, please!

My weekend was busy and full of love and experiences.  I am now ready to face what Monday will bring.

Until Next Time

P.S.  I spent almost two hours doing laundry I have avoided over the last couple of weeks.  Ridiculous, I know!  I was catching up on the DVR at the same time.  Multi-tasking for the win!   

Completed

Once this is posted, I will have blogged 28 days straight.  I will have made it the entire month of February.  I am super stoked and relieved. 
 
There were times that I had to force myself to write.  February was a crazy month for me.  Probably not much different than any other, if I’m honest but it felt insane.

I dealt with allergies/illness, other health concerns (my own and family), tons of extra stress with work and personal issues, my 14^th wedding anniversary, I was on call 5 times with one call out, board meeting, birthday parties, worked out 6 days a week almost every week, found some time to run, completed the instagram challenge #poseswithroses, worked full time, and so much more. 

I made this list to prove we are all busy.  Each one of us has a list like this, some are probably longer.  You know what this proves to me though?  If you make something a priority you make the time for it.  There were days I didn’t get to write until after midnight so it wasn’t officially daily but I count it based on sleep.  If I hadn’t slept then the day wasn’t over.  There were times I was falling asleep while typing but I still did it.  I made a commitment to myself and I knew I had to follow through.  I had to prove to myself I could do it even when I was the only person counting on it. 

I think my writing improved as the month progressed.  I went through and read my last few entries again last night.  I had not done much proofing of them and I was pleasantly surprised.  I didn’t read all of them but my feeling is that when I stopped over-thinking is when they got better.  I just started putting my thoughts down.  This is a journal for me – a way to track my life. 

 
Will I continue to write every day?  I’m not sure yet.  There are some days that it truly is difficult to sit down and write.  However, I have gained so much and I want to retain it.  Finding the right balance is important, as always.  A month ago I really wanted to write but couldn’t get it out.  I finally broke through that and NEED to continue moving forward.  I love exploring this side of my creativity and sharing it with others.  I love the format of a blog as it can be whatever I make it.

 

Until Next Time

P.S.  This is blog post #102.  Holy shizzle!       

Judgment

I grew up in a very religious family.  We attended church every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night for many years.  I was taught to love God, prayer as a form of communication, treat others with love and respect and to pray for them.  I was not taught to judge others.    

Over the last several years I have grown away from the religion that I grew up with but still hold the values that were instilled in me.  I’ve questioned my belief in God, explored other religions and grown more spiritual and less religious.  I have done a lot of searching.  I don’t really have any more answers than I did when I started but I have learned many things.     

One of the biggest lessons has been that many Christians are extremely judgmental.  I can’t determine why.  It is not our job to judge others.  If you are Christian, I believe you share in my belief that one day we will stand before God and will be judged by him for our sins.  He is also the only one that can absolve us of them.  So, why do so many feel it is their responsibility to judge others?  What makes them the judge and jury?  What makes them think they can play God?  Is that not the ultimate sin? Even when thinly veiled with “I’m worried about you” or something along those lines.  We all sin differently.   Just because you see a person’s sins as worse than yours, doesn’t mean you are better than them.  So get off your high horse.   Stop judging and remember your place.  Judge not, that ye be not judged.  Matthew 7:1. 

People have to live their own lives and it is hard enough without feeling judgment from those that are supposed to be friends or family.  Before you point the finger take a long look at yourself.  What sins did you commit today? 

This may indeed seem that I am being judgmental.  Maybe I am in a way.  But honestly, I’m tired of the comments, looks and watching friends suffer because someone disapproves of their behavior.  If you do not like someone’s behavior and feel they are headed down the wrong path – pray for them.  You do not need to fix them or tell them how you disapprove.  If they’re not asking for help then get out of their way.  If associating with them somehow negatively affects you then separate yourself.  We all have to make the decisions in our life based on what is best for us.  Everyone deserves to be happy.  Everyone’s happiness looks different. 

FYI I am not talking about anything illegal, drug related or harmful.  I am talking about people that are just trying to do their best.  Maybe they are making relationship, business, family, etc decisions.  Maybe they are poor choices, maybe they’re not and you just think they are.  Maybe your own bias is playing a roll.  Ultimately we have to live with our own choices.  So goes the saying - you do you and I’ll do me.

Yes, in Christianity we have commandments and a Bible to follow but we still do not get to play judge.  It is not our place.

Until Tomorrow

P.S.  3 words- preteen boy drama.      

Nothing Important

Today is the first day in many that I’ve had to use daily notes to come up with something to write.  I think it is because I fried my brain working on some banking stuff at work.  I spent the entire day staring at numbers and trying to make them match.  It can be very tiring and frustrating when you are just a small amount off but can’t find the issue.  Reports make my eyes gloss over but they’re an important part of my job.  About 30 minutes before I could leave I reached a point that I just could not go on.  To be honest, I almost threw the file and the computer out the window.  Then walked out.  Of course, I visualized it but didn’t actually do it.  Sometimes visualizing is enough.  Not today but sometimes.  Instead, I made a cup of coffee and started writing.    

What I came up with through daily notes is I really do not have much to say today.  The week and the month are winding down and I can feel the energy levels dropping with it.  Most people at work and the gym seem to be moving in slow-motion.  Do you notice a drop in energy in your life around this time?  I can’t be the only one.  

I do have big plans to kick off the first of March.  I can’t wait to share it with you soon. 

I hope you have a wonderful night!

Until Tomorrow

P.S.  I love when I forget I have my ringer and vibration turned off on my phone and find 6 text messages.  Makes me feel more special than if I had gotten them one at a time

Success

There is so much success available out there.  I don’t believe you have to step on others to make it.  How do people find the time to focus on other people’s struggles and still find time to make themselves successful?  It seems that it would be counterproductive.  Yet people do it all the time.  I don’t think I would want success if it came at the cost of using other’s struggles.  I find it weak and disgusting.  Perhaps I am naïve.   

I would rather bust my butt, make connections and climb my way to the top.  I do believe it is a who-you-know world.  With a little help you can get farther faster.  I don’t think it is the only way but I do believe it helps.  Personally, I am not good at calling in favors or dealing with politics.  I don’t do things with expectation and I have a difficult time asking for help.  However, I have done it when I’ve really needed to.   It is a dance and takes finesse.  That finesse is developed over time and with practice.

My biggest issue with this game is I get awkward about it.  When I am nervous I make things awkward. I tend to say and do weird things.  I either get really quiet or say off the wall things.  It is like my nerves give me a mild case of tourettes.  After time I can look back and laugh at it but immediately after, it is a face palm moment.   Hopefully, I eventually learn to control it or accept it.

 

Until Tomorrow

P.S. Tonight starts a new season of Survivor.  I love watching it for the challenges.  They look like so much fun.   It is also the start of the new season of the Amazing Race.  That show stresses me out.  It is like a train wreck.  I can’t stop staring.