Awakening

I've come to the realization lately that I've let other people control how I live my life.  I didn't do it intentionally and if you'd said it six months ago, I would've fought you on it and been pissed that you had the audacity to say the words. (In fact, I've probably had a similar blog post previously.) I've felt independent but in reality I allowed the idea of what my life should be to dictate how I lived it.  I was raised in the bible belt with strict guidelines on how things should be.  You conduct yourself in a certain way... you grow up and get married.... you have kids... you do this, you do that, etc.  Church every Sunday morning, night and Wednesday night. You love and fear God and make all decisions based on his word.  It's interesting because these guidelines were there but impossible to live by.  The people around me did the best they could but they weren't perfect.  Who is?  We're all human.  I'd see them crying and kneeling and begging for forgiveness, only to stand up the next day and perpetrate the same sins again.  I never questioned it.  I didn't know I was supposed to.  I didn't know I was allowed to.  Over the last 20+ years I've slowly grown to understand there are many ways to live a good, healthy life and every time I get there I realize I have so much growing to do.  I've back slid in many ways but overall I have forward motion.  

Now, I find myself in another difficult, life changing scenario and beginning to question everything again. It's scary and wonderful and challenging and really f'ing hard.  That's why I need to start this blog again.  I need to have an outlet and not hold myself back.  I need to be confident and honest and make the best of this life.  It's cliche but it's the only one I have and I don't want to look back and continue to have regrets.   

The coping mechanisms I've learned are helpful but I don't want to use them.  I want to bury my head in the sand or under the covers.   I want to hide and hope the solutions find themselves.  I want to do this but I can't.  I owe it to myself to show up, to feel, to move forward even if I'm crawling.  I owe it to myself to put my phone down and to open up to people that can be present for me.  I owe it to myself to recognize the anxiety, fear and other emotions, to call them out and to work through them.  Life can be hard but I can do this.