Growth

As 2019 wrapped up I reflected on the lessons of the year and how they would shape my goals for 2020.  I wanted my goals to be positive and reflect real change that took all the internal work I’d been doing and make a difference in the world.  I had a difficult time deciding exactly what that would or even could look like.  I asked a lot of people their goals and enjoyed listening as they shared, taking pieces that I wanted to implement in my own life.  But I struggled to find that little something that I wanted to do that I felt would be impactful. I came up with basic things like finally moving, planning some fun events, reconnecting with my creative side, career possibilities and getting out of debt.   All great goals but not impactful in the way I want to make a difference. 

Then on January 2, 2020 I had a life changing experience.  Something I have waited 30 years for and spent endless hours trying to accomplish… 

I found my biological father.  Take a moment and really let that sink in.  After 30 years I. found. my. biological. father.  A man I only knew three things about. Three.  I had never seen a picture of him. I had never heard his voice.  I had never had any interaction at all.  I didn’t know if he knew I existed.  I had no idea if he had other kids, how he would react when I told him…  For every question, there was another question.  

After a few times of getting my hopes up and being devastated I stopped being hopeful in my search.   When I submitted my second DNA test to a second processor I wasn’t hopeful.  I wasn’t excited.  I couldn’t allow myself to be.  There had been too much trauma and disappointment through the years.  I couldn’t bring myself to believe this time would be different. 

Then on January 2, 2020 everything changed.

The build up was so long and slow then it was like a switch was flipped and everything happened quickly. I was overwhelmed, excited, and completely in shock.  I felt everything and nothing.   I couldn’t form complete thoughts because EVERY thought was swirling in my brain.  Then I talked to him.  

For the first time I was able to hear his voice.  He answered questions, made me laugh, asked about me and my life and let me know that I am no longer an only child.  I have siblings- brothers and sisters!  I have more nieces and nephews.  I have a big family.  So here I am now trying to wrap my head around all of this and embracing every single moment.

I found on one of my sister’s (I can’t believe I have sisters!) facebook page that her word for the year is growth.  I bet she didn’t see this kind of growth coming!  I think it is a perfect word for me too.  (Look at me already stealing from my sister.)   I also believe the impact I’ll make this year is sharing my story as I learn about this side of my family, my history and finally connecting these dots.