Choose Honor and Happiness

Today was my due date.  It was the day a little bundle of joy was supposed to make her entry into this world.  It was the day that my dream to have another child was supposed to be recognized.  It was the day we were supposed to celebrate. 

Today is none of those things.  Today is a sad day.  Today is a day that I am struggling not to hold it in.  Today is a day that I am reaching out to my friends and asking for comfort.  Today is a day of distraction.

If I can distract myself enough then today will be over.  I will have moved past the dreaded due date.  I honestly believed this until I shared it with a friend.  Her response…

Good distract yourself but I know at the end of the day when it’s quiet and it’s just you and your thoughts, it will come.  But I think as long as you turn this day into a positive day with laughs and love and doing things that make you happy you’ll be ok. Honor this day from now on as a day you choose to be happy.

She is right and she knows me better than I do.  In the calm of the night, I will struggle.  I will explore all the “what ifs” and “whys”.  All the things I can fight off now and replace with positivity will sneak up on me.   I will try to be gently with myself but it will be difficult.  It’s not fair and I have not let that go yet.  There is not a single thing about going through this that is fair or right.  There is not a single thing that is fair about having a body that will not do what you want it to.  There is not a single thing that is fair about not being able to have another child.  There is not a single thing that is fair about loss. All I can hope is that by sharing my story someone else will know they are not alone.

I will laugh and find a way to honor today.  I will light a candle in memory of my sweet baby.  I will find a way to make this a day of joy and happiness.  I have not figured out how but I will.  I will find a way to comfort myself and treat myself with love and let go of the resentment.  I will snuggle the son I do have a little longer.  I will remember what a blessing he is and how lucky I am to be his mom.  I will listen to his Lego and motorcycle stories with more interest and ask more questions even when this annoys him.  I will talk about his upcoming birthday and share his excitement.  I will count my blessings.  I will move one step closer to healing.

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To all my friends, thank you.  Thank you for being here for me.  Thank you for letting me vent and reminding me my feelings are okay but not letting me stay in the darkness.  Thank you for making me laugh and showing me that I am not alone. Thank you for all the love you show me every day.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.