Falling

Hey you!  Yeah you!  You over there ignoring me.  You over there with your nose stuck in your phone - living everyone else's life while yours is passing by.  You who forgets I'm here.  You who is so consumed that you haven't realized I'm slipping away.  Wake from your zombie state before it's too late.  I'm hanging by a frayed thread and I can feel myself falling - drifting away.

I'm succumbing to outside forces.  The forces that pull and tug at me.  The forces that see me and want me.  They don't need me.  They only know they feel a pull and are blindly allowing themselves to tumble forward. To place upon me the need I unwillingly reveal to the world.  My secret no longer safely hidden in the empty pocket of my heart.  It's written upon my face, upon the swell of my breast and the curve of hips.  It's oozing from me like an open wound.

Damn it all to Hell

I hate being negative. I hate opening that side of my life up for people to see. I hate that a certain person with their care and friendship keeps asking me about shit I don't want to talk about but apparently need to talk about. Everytime I'm asked I spew information like a faucet with a broken valve. After, I instantly feel quilt. I don't want to make my problems someone elses and I dont want to wear them down by constantly purging and dumping on them. I also don't want this person seeing me in this light and as anything other than strong. I hate displaying weakness and for this person to see me this way makes my heart ache. It makes me ache because I want to be strong, beautiful, sexy, loving, intelligent and brave. I don't mind having faults and can joke about them. I do mind looking weak and having someone's pity. That, I can not handle.

They are constantly looking for a way to help me but there is no outside help. I am only able to help myself. I know what needs to be done but am unable to go through the motions. Unfortunately, life is not simple and I am not ready to set these wheels in motion. It will create a chain of events that I am unprepared to face. It will effect areas more far reaching than I can even imagine. Everytime I think of it, I instantly become overwhelmed. I walk in a daze thinking of it all and if I could survive.

Survival, sounds somewhat overly dramatic. It is not, when speaking of my emotional state. At this time I know what to expect, know what will happen in my day-to-day. I am surviving. I may not be doing it in the healthiest of ways or making the best decisions but I've found my way of coping. I may be spinning out of control and lost my grip on reality in one area but I'm thriving in others. I've found a comfortable nook where I sit and observe the world. I watch it passing me and jump in and enjoy the roller coaster from time to time. I wear my mask and show the world what I want it to see. I focus on the areas where I have control and that make me happy. I embrace the joys and leave the tough shit simmering in the background. It'll still be there when I'm ready and able to face it.

Torn

Sitting here in the sun enjoying a beautiful afternoon but I'm torn.  As usual, I'm torn between what I should be doing and what I want to do.  This should come as no surprise as it's typical for how I've always lived my life.  I grew up with a certain way I was to be seen, act and believe.  There was no room for deviation and little tolerance for anything outside the considered norm.  We didn't talk about things considered private and I learned to navigate my way through life on my own. 

It was unfortunate that many times when I was torn between what was expected of me and what I wanted I went with what was expected.  When I did choose to go off the given path I was rather good at being discrete.  However, when my little rebellious streak really struck I gave it 100% and held my ground.  It was dumb and I learned a life lesson.  A lesson that changed my entire future.  I have no regrets and wouldn't change a thing.  But I do wonder what if I had made a different decision.  How would my life be now? 

I always wanted to be loved and showered with attention.  To know that I was the center of someone's universe.   As soon as I received that from a man I became like a sponge, soaking it up and longing for more.  Unfortunately, it wasn't something that lasted.  It would be easy to point out the reasons that he caused this failed relationship. But I'm here to focus on me and my biggest contribution was my inability to believe I deserved what I desired most.   How can one possible succeed if they believe the are unworthy and destined to fail?

I've always longed for attention.  Any kind of attention yet am embarrassed upon receipt.  I somehow never feel deserving and often think it to be some kind of joke and that my acceptance of it will be the punch line.  This is why I am unable to graciously accept a compliment and find it hard to give them.  At least those that are more than surface deep.

I realize this is a problem of mine and I'm working to rectify it.  I'm learning to just say thank you and not make a joke or down play it.  I'm learning to tell that little voice in my head to be quiet and to stop the negative talk.  I am learning to believe them.  I am me and me is enough.  Though I constantly work to improve myself, at this moment in time I AM ENOUGH.  Every time I repeat this I believe it a little more.

I'm a work in progress and I have my ups and downs.  I have my low self-esteem days and the days I think I'm bad ass.  There are days I wish to bare my soul and days where I feel it and my heart need to be protected because any hint of imperfection will destroy me. Today, today is a day where I'm willing to open myself to you and embrace you with all that I have.

One of those days

Today I'm feeling bitchy, bloated and lethargic. It's just one of those days. You know the ones... everything and everyone annoys you and you'd shoot them with lasers, from your eyes, if only you could. You'd curl up under the covers consuming comfort food with abandon while watching mind numbing television hoping no one had the nerve to walk in the room. Should they walk in the room you would shoot them with said lasers. I always have a day like this when it's close to THAT time of the month. Luckily, I've learned to recognize and accept it. Gone are the days where it would start a downward spiral of depression, self-critism and destruction. Now I embrace it as best I can and know it's only 24 hours of hell.

15 Years and Counting

15 years ago yesterday (yes, I'm a day late and a dollar short) I moved to this state of California.  I remember that day like it was...well...yesterday.  I was young, scared, and heartbroken.  I packed everything I could in two suitcases, had a $100 cash, got dropped off at the airport and headed into the unknown.  I'm pretty sure it was a memorable day for the guy that sat next to me on the plane.  I doubt he'll ever forget the crazy young woman who cried for over an hour, stared out the window and refused to speak.  Hey dude, if you're reading this...I'm doing great now!  

April 15 has become a day I celebrate and mourn each year.  I take some time to reflect and think about a lot of what if's.  This year however, I celebrated it by having a very special photo shoot.  I didn't exactly plan it this way but it worked out perfectly.  I've always been a bit of a control freak and a reserved person (unless there's vodka).  I've also relied heavily on what others think.  So stepping out of my comfort zone, letting my sexy shine, embracing me and giving up control was no easy task.  I like to think I did well at it and if the pictures prove anything - I did.  I've had body image issues all my life but to look at these pictures, all I can say is DAMN! Is this really me? 

   The photographer is amazing and I am thrilled to be photographed by her.  I intend to continue modeling with her.  I may be the one paying but it's worth every reasonable penny.  I've never felt so beautiful, sexy, powerful or accepted - to mention only a few key words.  Life is grand and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Love yourself and embrace all that life hands you. It's all part of what gets you to where you are going.    

Friendship is such an important part of life.  It restores your soul.  Nothing compares to a true friendship - whether it's with your life partner or someone else.   Everyone needs that person they can confide in, laugh with and hold on to when all seems lost.  That person that leads you back from the dark - the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.  At least one person that drops everything and picks you up when you fall.  Hopefully laughing on the way back up. 

There are different types of friendship.  I've been all types to many and experienced my fair share from each group.  You learn what to expect from people and to count on those strengths and weaknesses. 

The good-timers.  These are the ones that are only there when things are good. Who needs these?  We all do. They are fun and they make us laugh.  Everyone needs a good time friend  - like everyone needs a good time girl.

The Suckers.  These are the users.  The ones that suck the life out of you if you let them.  Avoid them.  Even if it means running away screaming with your hands over your ears.  You can only handle so much negative in your life.  My guess is you have enough of your own, you don't need theirs.

The Fakes.  The ones that are one way to your face and then can't wait to share/talkabout/destroy you to the next person. Avoid them?  Maybe.  I choose not to.  I know who they are, what they offer and frankly, I don't care what they think/say anymore.  They can be amusing - like toys.  Challenge yourself to see just how much you can get them talking about you.

The Reals.  These are the ones that are 100% invested.  They know you, they love you and there is no pretense.  No explanation or correction needed for statements because they automatically know what you mean.  The ones that show up on your doorstep with alcohol, food or the new  must-see movie.  They don't see the dirty dishes in the sink, the mascara running down your face or the laugh lines around your eyes.  They see directly to your soul and refill it without effort. 

Here I am!

I finally found my way back.  It's been over 2 years that I've been off finding myself.  Lucky you - you've also found me.  We must celebrate! I suggest a large drink made mostly of tequila or vodka, a little ice and a mixer if you must.  It's guaranteed to make you feel better and make my blog more entertaining (as if that's needed).  Bottoms Up!


 
I recently had a conversation with a friend laughing about posts on social networking sites.  Does anyone really care what we have to say?   I mean, does it matter that we just fed our kids dinner, went to the movies, took out the trash or any other number of mundane items we complete each day.  No, no it doesn't.  I'd much rather blog it anyway.  Here, I can write as much as I want with out getting those silly red numbers. 

I'm excited, nervous, anxious and thrilled to face this fear of making myself vulnerable by blogging.  Part of me wonders why the heck someone would want to read what I have to say.  The other half says who cares?  It's for me, not them.  So here I will tear down a wall.  I've been making ceilings floors for two years and I'm looking forward to this new challenge.  Gulping some liquid courage is just a bonus.  Here's to you and me.