Damn it all to Hell

I hate being negative. I hate opening that side of my life up for people to see. I hate that a certain person with their care and friendship keeps asking me about shit I don't want to talk about but apparently need to talk about. Everytime I'm asked I spew information like a faucet with a broken valve. After, I instantly feel quilt. I don't want to make my problems someone elses and I dont want to wear them down by constantly purging and dumping on them. I also don't want this person seeing me in this light and as anything other than strong. I hate displaying weakness and for this person to see me this way makes my heart ache. It makes me ache because I want to be strong, beautiful, sexy, loving, intelligent and brave. I don't mind having faults and can joke about them. I do mind looking weak and having someone's pity. That, I can not handle.

They are constantly looking for a way to help me but there is no outside help. I am only able to help myself. I know what needs to be done but am unable to go through the motions. Unfortunately, life is not simple and I am not ready to set these wheels in motion. It will create a chain of events that I am unprepared to face. It will effect areas more far reaching than I can even imagine. Everytime I think of it, I instantly become overwhelmed. I walk in a daze thinking of it all and if I could survive.

Survival, sounds somewhat overly dramatic. It is not, when speaking of my emotional state. At this time I know what to expect, know what will happen in my day-to-day. I am surviving. I may not be doing it in the healthiest of ways or making the best decisions but I've found my way of coping. I may be spinning out of control and lost my grip on reality in one area but I'm thriving in others. I've found a comfortable nook where I sit and observe the world. I watch it passing me and jump in and enjoy the roller coaster from time to time. I wear my mask and show the world what I want it to see. I focus on the areas where I have control and that make me happy. I embrace the joys and leave the tough shit simmering in the background. It'll still be there when I'm ready and able to face it.