Perception

At night the mask comes off and the emotions from the day rush in.  It’s easy to keep things at bay when the hectic moments of the day fight your battles.  It is the silence of the night that rips the heart and mind open.  It forces feelings.  It forces acceptance.  It forces reflection.  The quiet moments we fill with social media and mind numbing television that teaches us nothing except that everyone else has the perfect life.   Making us feel worse and leaving us wondering how we can achieve that perfection.  Perception is a strange phenomenon.   Perception becomes reality but is it real? 

Change is in the Air

For the first time, in as long as I can remember, I went after something I really wanted and could fail.  It was scary for me to put myself out there.  I applied for a job that I wanted so bad I could taste it.  I thought I would be a great fit minus a couple of the criteria.  I checked with the organization and those items were not deal breakers.  I created a resume, something I had not needed since 2006.  I made it to the interview stage and fought through my nerves and left feeling it went well.  There was only one question that I really felt I bombed.  It was a big one but figured I did well enough in other areas that it would be ok.  I fought off my self-doubt.  You know that little voice in the back of your mind that is uber critical?  I shut it down.  I stayed optimistic but also realistic.   My friends and family were amazing.  They told me how I was perfect for it and that it was mine.   I appreciated the encouragement and was proud of putting myself out there.  Guess what happened…  I failed.  Someone else got the job.  The first time I have put myself out there in years and I failed.  I was disappointed but accepting.  Due to my relationship with the organization they explained why they went with another person.  It makes perfect sense and I feel they made the correct decision.   After all, the organization, the work they do and the clients are the most important.  Instead of falling into my old habit of beating myself up, I remained positive.  I really was happy for the chosen person.  I think she will do a great job.  I was not even embarrassed when I had to tell everyone that I was not the person picked.  I had told many people about it too.  I wanted to spread the word that I was going after something.  I did not want to hide behind the concern that I might fail.  That I might be embarrassed.  I wanted to put everything out there.    That was another change I needed to make.  In order for me to feel fully invested I could not hide. I had to completely embrace the entire experience and share it.

Know that saying that everything happens for a reason?  Or one door closes so another can open?  Or things work out how they should?  Well, they did in this case.  Another position came available.  I applied and I was hired!  I am so excited.  This position is going to push me, make me better and allow me to make a difference in my community.  There are aspects that will come naturally and pieces that will stretch my comfort zone.  That little voice is there giving me some doubts but I know I’ve got this. It will come with challenges but it will be worth it and extremely rewarding.  I am blessed to be able to move into a field where I am passionate and get paid for it!  It won’t be all rainbows and jelly beans but is going to be amazing.    I can't wait to share this new journey with you.

I’ve been saying 2016 is going to be a year of change for me.  It is definitely shaping up to be that way – change and growth.  It is going to be a great one! 

Hello 2016 and kiss my ass 2015. 

Until next time

 P.S. My son has taken to calling me Birth Giver.  I have no words for this new title. smh lol

Cassie

I wrote this back in September.  Due to many circumstances I did not get it uploaded until today. 

I have not written in a long time.  Life has been busy and I have not made time for it.  I miss it but it is not a priority.  I am not going to say I do not have time.  Life is about priorities.  We have time for what we make a priority.  So today, when I have a million other priorities, I am taking this morning and writing.  I am taking a few moments for myself to share something very personal.

Yesterday I lost a dear family member.  I had not seen her in many years and had not talked to her in months, maybe over a year.  She was way too young to pass and it is unfair.  She had been battling cancer, had been so brave and strong but it was her time. 

I am sad for all the obvious reasons.  I am also heartbroken because I did not make her a priority in my life.  As children we were close.  Even though I am a bit older than her, we still had fun together.  She is the one cousin I was closest to.  The only one close enough to my age that we played together. 

I do not know much about her adult life.  I know she has children.  I have met one.  I know bits of things from the last time we talked when she updated me on her life.  Sadly, I do not know much.  I spent some of yesterday reading posts about her on Facebook.  Reading what those closest to her had to say.  Learning about what a wonderful woman she had blossomed into.  It made me sad that I did not make the time to know this beautiful woman.  It made me sad that it is too late.  It made me feel guilty to mourn. 

Mostly, it made me realize I need to make more time for those I love.  I need to make them a priority.  Yes, my life is extremely busy but there is always time.  I do not want to live with regrets or looking backward. 

Today, I put on a smile and I prepare for a night of fun and laughter.  Here’s to you my dear.  May you live forever in the hearts of those that love you. 

Until next time.

17 Years

It’s that time again.  It’s the anniversary of when I moved to California.  17 years ago tonight I watched Titanic with the man I loved, finished packing and said our good-byes.  The next day he drove me to the airport and I left for California.  The plan was to live here for 6 months.  Obviously, plans changed and here I am 17 years later. 

I know I’ve written about this a few times.  When the anniversary rolls around, I can’t help but think back over that time in my life.  1998 was probably one of the worst years of my life if you look at all around bad.  I’ve had many difficult years prior and since; some of the events have been far worse than anything I experienced in 1998 but that is the only year I can truly say I hit bottom. 

I was in a relationship that wasn’t healthy for either of us, I was homeless and wearing out my welcome at a friend’s, I had lost so much and was turning away from those most important to me.  I was on a path of destruction but was too deep in the middle to see just how bad.  I was doing a lot of things that could’ve led to my life being much different. 

I sometimes wonder where I would be now if I’d declined the offer, or not agreed to the terms, when given the opportunity to come to California.  I don’t reflect because I regret my decision.  I try to never live with regrets.  I do it because I look at every choice I make as if I am standing at a Y in the road.  Each path is full of possibility.  There will be rough patches but it will be what I make it.

So tonight I look back on that time in my life with fond memories.  It may have been a crazy, effed up time but it led me to here.    

Until Next Time

P.S. Last night my son told me he can make no promises to snuggle me forever because some day he will be a grown man living in Hawaii and I'll be in a senior home. 

Soul Food

This whole not getting to the gym bullshit has sucked.  I only made it two nights last week.  Mom duties and volunteer duties come first but I miss it.  I miss my friends, the weights, the endorphins and the soreness.  I don’t think I said I was sore once this week.  I can’t remember the last time I went a day without saying it.

I knew working out 6 days a week wasn’t going to last but it snuck up on me. 

So after being bummed last night about missing so much gym time and realizing next week will be just as bad,  this morning it dawned on me that this can be a good thing.  WHAT?!  How is that?

WELL…. I have needed to find more time to run and this may force that.  I can control that easier than I can the gym time.  Perhaps this is the universe’s way of telling me “that half is quickly approaching and since you weren’t making the time to run and weight train, I’ll take away your weights several days a week and then you’ll be forced to run!”  That sounds like something the universe would say, right?  Especially after I’ve been telling it I need to make time.

This leads me to my plan to run this morning.  I was going to get up and get out there by 7 or 7:30.  Guess what… I woke up at 7 with a lot of excuses.  Yes, they are excuses (I’ll admit it but they’re really good) and I listened to them.  A year or two ago I would have felt bad about taking this day, especially after all the training I’ve missed recently but I decided I needed this and I will embrace it.

If I don’t have enough down time or ‘me time’ I tend to get cranky, on edge and not be a fun person to be around. (much like when I’m hungry) I recognize this in myself.  As much as I love all I have going on right now, I still have to find some time to calm the world around me and to get centered.  Eventually, I lose the ability to function properly until I hit that reset button. 

Running and the gym give me a different kind of reset.  They make me feel great and feed a part of my soul.   Just like our bodies need different foods to thrive so does my soul.  As I have mentioned before, I am really an introvert living an extrovert’s life.

2 blog posts in one day!  I kinda cheated though.  I’ve been working on the other one for a couple of days.  This one is fresh.

Until Next Time

P.S.  This afternoon I am spending time with amazing and gorgeous (inside and out) women.  That too will feed my soul in a way that only time with other women can.  It’s so easy to focus on the negatives in my life but I have so much positive.  I am blessed and sharing here reminds me of just how much.    

Escaped

Hey Hey Hey!  It’s been a couple of days.

Thursday I filmed my first ever PSA.  Who knew I could act?  Not me and not the video crew. It took about 30 minutes but I finally nailed my line.  I hope I made the cut and will be on TV.  I’m also super nervous about it.  I might be on television!  I’ll write more about that experience when it gets closer to April.  April is Sexual Assault Awareness month and the PSA is related. 

Friday, I got a break from that big project I’m working on.  When asked if I wanted to escape the office for a couple hours, grab lunch on the Monterey Fisherman’s Wharf and check on some jobsites in Pebble Beach, I jumped at the opportunity.  You don’t have to ask me twice if I want to get fresh air and enjoy a beautiful day.  Monterey, Pebble Beach and the Ocean did not disappoint.

 

At the top of the wharf

 

His and Hers lunch - Clam Chowder for the win

Must go back and try these soon

 

Pebble Beach - no filter needed

Blessed to enjoy this view

 I got back to the office just in time to finish a small part of the project.  I am almost half way through and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

On Thursday I finally made it to the gym for the first time this week.  Being that it is the first week of the month, I had to complete benchmark.  Benchmark is 100 reps of each of the following; sit-ups, push-ups, australian pull-ups and body weight squats.  I dropped 1 minute and 5 seconds off last month's time finishing in 15 minutes and 5 seconds.  I was 11 seconds off my best time ever but I’ve increased the difficulty of the sit-ups.  I am now doing inclines instead of flat on the ground.  The transition between the exercises is where I am losing the most time but I’m still improving and I’m super stoked.  I gave everything I had and with the ‘cheering’ on of my trainer, I am more than happy with the results.  I pushed hard and feel I gave it everything I had.  I don’t think I could have done any better this month.  It took me about 20 minutes to fully recover but then I was able to work on my pull-ups.  I’m getting close again and still keep that as one of my main goals.

I also found out this week that I have been accepted as a Stride Box Ambassador.  I am super excited to work with and promote them.  I love the boxes I receive monthly and can’t wait to build a stronger relationship with them.  If you follow my social media, be on the look out for upcoming surprises.  I’ll be giving honest feedback on the products I receive and other fun stuff.  I can’t wait to share more!

Lastly, it is finally March that means I get to be on the judging panel for the Community Service Awards this year.  If you remember, I won the Adult Service Award last year for my work with the Monterey Country Rape Crisis Center.  It was a shining moment for me (except when I tried to give a speech) and this year I get to be a part of the selection group.   I am incredibly honored and excited.  I love seeing the amazing things people in our community are doing.  Surrounding myself with greatness rocks!

 

Until Next Time

P.S. Taking 2 days off from writing sucked!  I missed it.  It has become as important to me as coffee.  Okay, maybe not that important but I hope I never have to choose between the two. 

Middle School

Do you remember what it was like to be in middle school?  No?  If you’re like me then it has been a really long time.  Over the last few months I have been trying to delve into that part of my brain and remember as much as possible. 

It is like a switch went off in my son.  He’s still that loving, hilarious, smart, amazing boy that he was a few months ago but he is also changing.  They are normal changes and he is going through many both physically and mentally.  He is growing into himself, developing his identity and moving into the next part of his journey.  It is amazing and difficult to watch. 

I want to be able to cuddle him and protect him from the world.  I know I have to let him grow and change.  I have to let him grow-up.  I’m just not ready yet.  Every time I am ‘allowed’ to hug him, I hold on as long as possible.  I know we are heading into those years where that isn’t cool.  I just hope they are short lived and he realizes EVERYONE needs hugs from their mom.

He is having new experiences and making friends I’ve never met.  He is dealing with things that I haven’t faced since watching after school specials and some that didn’t even exist back then.  I can only hope that he has taken to heart all those times I’ve told him I am always here.  That he can come to me with anything and we can talk about it.  That even if I am disappointed in behaviors, I will always love him and there isn’t anything he can do that will ever change that. 

We have a night time routine, the same one we’ve had since I got him out of my bed and into his.  Right now, he still embraces it and every day I look forward to it.  I try to never skip a night.  On the rare occasion that I am not home until after he goes to bed, I creep into his room and still go through the actions.  He may never know but I do and I hold every one of the nights tight and treasure them.

Until Next Time

P.S.  I got the results of the mammogram and I am all clear!