1000 Pounds

Tonight I pulled a 1000 pound sled.  Yes that is 3 zeros!  It was slow and difficult but I did it!  I am so proud of myself!

See the snail trail behind the sled? Shows how far I moved it.

 

Part of the reason why I was able to do this is because my trainer believed I could.  I had doubt but was willing to try.  My willingness + his belief = success.  Sometimes just knowing that someone else believes in you can make the seemingly impossible possible. 

I urge you to surround yourself with people that believe in you. 

It makes the world of difference.

Sweet Dreams

Create Change

At some point in their lives

1 in 4 women have been sexually assaulted

1 in 6 men have been sexually assaulted

1 in 5 women have been sexually assaulted while in college

Those are staggering statistics

Yet there is still a stigma attached to it.  We often don’t want to talk about it.  It makes us uncomfortable.  We ignore it. 

How is this possible given the statistics?

Yes, we’ve made progress.  Yes, there is more attention on the topic than previously.  Yes, things are slowly changing.  We still have so far to go.  

What I don’t understand is why we as a society aren’t doing more to change it.  Why aren’t we talking about it?  Why is there still so much shame associated?  Survivors of sexual assault didn’t ask for it.  It wasn’t because of something they wore, or the way they looked or a flirty smile or anything they did.  It’s because the person that assaulted them decided to harm them.  A crime was committed against them. 

What does matter is it is happening. 

We need to empower the survivors and we need to educate! 

We can all make a difference by talking about it, educating ourselves and others and by letting it be known we will not tolerate it.  We can take a stand and we can create change. 

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am thankful everyday that I am associated with our local Rape Crisis Center.  I am thankful that I am able to educate.  I am thankful that I am able to help a person in need.  I am thankful that I can be there.  But I wish there wasn’t a need.   

To all Survivors and especially to all the clients I’ve helped over the years – You are strong, amazing, brave individuals that left a mark on my heart.  I am always in awe of your courage.

Good Night.  

Tonight

Another night of being over tired.  I don't know if it's stress, this bug my body has been trying to keep at bay or what but I'm exhausted.  It's probably all of the above.  Tonight’s post is going to be brief.  I thought about skipping it for about .1 second then reminded myself I've made this commitment for me.  Quitting now would not help me toward my ultimate goal.  So here we go.

Tonight was my first night back at the Lab (what we call my gym).

SPOILER ALERT: It wasn’t fabulous.

I was excited to see my fellow FitWits (yes we have a pet name for ourselves) but was surprised with leg day.  I struggled through it and completed about half.  I found myself frustrated because I wasn’t on my A-game.  I had to lower the weight I was squatting and couldn’t get my normal number of reps.  I had to remind myself that I haven’t been feeling well.  I also didn’t eat enough today.  I KNOW!  That is a big no no.  I absolutely love food but recently I’ve been struggling to get enough calories consumed.  I don’t really count calories but I know I’m not getting enough.  I can feel it especially in my workouts.  I am trying to switch up my eating habits a bit and I’m struggling to find balance.  It’ll happen and after today’s workout I am more motivated than ever.

WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING RIGHT: Water consumption.  I think I should invest in stock in toilet paper.  I’m probably going to need the money to pay for new carpet at work from that path I’ve worn to and from the bathroom and the water cooler. I’ve also been drinking more hot tea and less coffee.  I believe flushing my system like this has helped me fight off this bug faster.  As soon as you finish reading this you should go chug down at least 8 oz of water.  Go ahead, it’s good for you.

3...2...1... GO!

Until Tomorrow

 

The Inquisition

Hello blog world!  How are you today?  I’m pooped.  I had a long day at work trying to get through a very tedious project but mixed it up with posting about some of my favorite pages on FB.  That helped to break it up a little.  2-3 minute breaks here and there work wonders. 

I’m missing the gym again today as I continue to fight off this little bug that is working it’s damndest to bring me down.  It’s not going to happen.  For once I’m listening to my body and resting instead of pushing through.  The gym will still be there tomorrow. 

I decided to come home and take a nap.  That nap turned into grabbing a nice warm cup of tea and running a hot bubble bath.  It was exactly what the doctor ordered.  Me being the doctor. I feel refreshed and ready to write now.  

As I laid there thinking about what to write I decided to just let my fingers do the talking.  My brain is tired but my fingers are becoming addicted to this.  It’s only day 3 and already they get antsy thinking about when they’re going to get their chance to make magic. 

I’ve been having some really awkward conversations with my son.  He’s getting to the age where he is asking a lot of questions again but I can’t give him simple answers.  He wants to know more and he’s smart enough to know when he’s not getting the full story. 

I’ve always been completely honest with him.  I’ve read books about puberty, forced myself through the most embarrassing parts and was careful to not make them a big deal.  It’s very important to me that he knows I am always here for him and that he can talk about literally anything with me.  I don’t want him trying to navigate on his own.  I completely believe that you have to start this open communication early or you’ll never be able to fully achieve it. 

There are very few times in my life that I’ve been completely speechless and almost every one of them have been when my son surprised me with questions or statements that I was unprepared for in the moment.  The last two nights have been a couple of examples. 

The first one was on Super Bowl Sunday and Fiat has a commercial with a blue pill that an older man drops, it makes its way through a maze of obstacles and end up falling into the gas tank of a small fiat which then transforms into an SUV.  Here’s a recap of the conversation that followed

Son: “I don’t get it.  What’s the blue pill?”
Husband: “It makes you stronger”
Me: laughing
Son: looking at me “What’s it really mean?”
Me: “Dad is accurate”
Son” looking at his Dad “Why won’t Mommy stop laughing?”
Husband: makes hand motion that I’m crazy.
Me: STILL can’t stop laughing
Son: gets on iPad probably googling it.

I think I handled that well. 

Next night (last night) I am writing my blog and my son is watching Untold Stories of the ER. Turns out a guy comes in with a vibrator stuck up his ass.  That’s a direct quote.  I instantly think the universe hates me and is punishing me for something.  Here’s that conversation

Son: “What’s that?”
Me: ((crickets)) I stare at him like I can’t hear
Son: “You’re not going to tell me are you?”
Me: “umm… an adult toy”
Son: looks at me blankly (probably a lot like I’d just looked at him)
Me: “Does that make sense?”
Son: “not really…”
Me: “Sometimes grown-ups use them for sex stuff”
Son: “ahh that makes more sense because guns are adult toys”

Now I feel I need to clarify that last comment.  We are a gun friendly home, my husband is a firearms instructor and my son knows guns are not toys.  However, we do sometimes refer to them as big boy toys much like you’d refer to a boat or the like as a big boy toy.

I have no idea what point I am trying to make with sharing these conversations except to say in parenting you need to be prepared for the unexpected.  You need to have open lines of communication and sometimes you’ve just gotta laugh. 

Hope you all have a wonderful night.  I’ll see you tomorrow.      

Bending

This isn’t going to be a feel good blog today so if that’s what you are looking for you should stop reading right now. 

Still here?

Great!  This will be an honest writing of how I am feeling right now.  Not the public face I put out to the world but the additional truth behind it.  Not that I’m fake or deceptive but I don’t want to spill all the stress I am dealing with all over.  Who does? People have enough of their own stuff when they have a few minutes to get online, they want to see things that inspire, motivate, make them smile and feel all warm and fuzzy.  At least that’s what I am usually looking to find.  Everything I put out there is a side of me but remember what you see on social media is only what people choose for you to see. 

So!  You are still here…  Last chance to click away and go find a happy place.  I can refer a few if you need it.

My life is spinning right now.  I am under a shit ton (that’s a legit form of measurement) of stress and I’m working hard to stay on top of it.  I’m not going to go into a lot of details but more on how they affect me.  My mantra this week  is “Bending. Not Breaking”  If I can continue to bend I’ll come back stronger and better than ever.  That’s my goal and when I’m determined I can make anything happen. 

I am lucky to have a few close friends that are always there.  They know that I pull away and try to hide when I’m feeling overwhelmed and fighting my battles.  They are respectful but also tell me to knock my shit off and that they need me too.  They are the ones that on a spare of the moment make time to drag me out for a drink. The ones when they ask if I’m ok, knowing I'm not, drop everything to listen when I say no.   They may not know the right words but know just being there is enough.  The ones that make me laugh and build up my self-esteem when I’m hitting bottom.  The ones that still love me when I am depressed, lost and completely self-consumed.  The ones that send me funny texts just to remind me that I can always laugh.  They’re life-long and I’m lucky.

I’ve battled depression a large part of my life.  That’s not what this is.  Yes, I am feeling down and struggling but it’s different than all those years where life was bleak and I had to fight the fog and struggled to function.  This is me dealing with more than I am sure my shoulders can handle but they are circumstance and results of choices I have made.  Some were choices I actually thought through and brought to fruition and some are from avoidance.   Either way I was a participant.  I am not a victim and I will never play that role.  I am an active participant in my life and I will own my responsibilities.

I’m also dealing with living so far away from my family.  A few years ago a very close family member faced some serious health issues.  It was devastating to me to be so far away and completely helpless.  There was hardly anything I could do from here and all I could do was make contact on a consistent basis and hope I could make some small difference.  That person recently had another health issue and it killed me to not be able to drop everything and run to their side.  Plus, they needed some sense knocked into them.  Some people are just too stubborn for their own good.  I can say that because I’m one of them.      

Bottom line is I’m struggling but I’m going to be okay.  You always find what you are looking for and what you put out to the universe comes back.  Overall, I am a happy person and I choose to focus on the positive.  I choose to smile and find the fun in each day.  Sometimes I just have to take a moment and realize I’m struggling and that ignoring it doesn’t make it go away.  Ignoring it also stifles my creativity and I can't be having that his month, now can I?

Remember, life is a journey filled with peaks and valleys.  You have to learn to enjoy the ride and use what’s thrown at you as fuel.

Commitment

It’s Feb 1, 2015 and I have announced to the world that I will write every day this month.  The world being all of those that follow me on various social media sites.  A few days ago I announced it to Twitter.  I only did that because I was afraid if I didn’t spill it then I’d never follow through.  Accountability is important.  Today I announced it in multiple places.  Then I proceeded to spend an abundant amount of time posting, liking and wasting hours NOT writing.  I don’t know why I get in my own way so much. 

So anyway, here I am. I have created a lovely folder called Feb 2015 blogs.  I will proceed to fill it with helpful information on my life, world views, and whatever happens to pop into my mind at any given time.  I’m sure I’ll form lots of entries to share with all of you.

For awhile I’ve thought my blog should have a direction.  I see lots of blogs that are food, motivation, child loss, fitness and many other things.  There’s a theme.  I’ve considered what I could write about daily that would relate and I don’t think I can do it.  I just need to go with whatever is on my mind that day.  Prepare yourself for this roller coaster. 

When deciding I was going to spend a month writing every day I was thinking up rules.  Should there be a mandatory length?  Theme? Should I require that I make all of them public?  Should I notify my close friends that push me to be better and WRITE?  Know what I decided?  I was putting too much pressure on myself and that was ridiculous.  I need to just do what feels right each day.  Why are rules needed?  Well, because I'm a virgo and I need to overthink and have strict guidelines to perfect.  You know what else? I'm going to be a rebel this month and just fly by the seat of my pants. 

I really am excited to kick off this challenge.  It’s a commitment but I always love a good challenge.  I’m hoping this will help guide me back to my love of all things written.  I’m anxious to get back to poetry and prose.  Somewhere along my journey I veered away and it’s time to get back to my loves.   

Thank you for being here and for the support.  Make sure your seat belts are securely fastened and the ride begins now. 

Midweek Update

What a busy week!  It’s a good thing my office phone tells me what day it is, I have lost track.   

Tuesday I missed the gym because I had my first Christmas party of the season!  Woot Woot! Fist pump!  I count that as the #1 acceptable reason to miss the gym.  I had a great time and was recognized by the organization for the commitment I have shown over the last year.  It is an honor to be part of this great organization.

Wednesday I hit the gym for an extra long session.  Funny that I stayed late since I didn’t even want to go.  It had been pouring rain for two days and I had a pot of chili waiting for me at home.  Somehow, my car ended up there despite my best efforts to skip.  I’m so glad it did because it was a great session and it was chest day!!   I partnered with my friend, Steve, who is quite the inspiration.  He’s in incredible shape and one of the nicest most genuine people you could ever meet.  I learned from him and he pushed me to do more than I thought I could.  I’m truly blessed to call him friend.   

When I finally arrived home I found a nice surprise on Facebook.  The picture from my last photo shoot with the amazing Red Light Shoppe was posted.  It's definitely in my top 5 favorite.

Senior Portrait Shoot Nov, 2014

Somewhere in all of this we started decorating the office for Christmas.  This is my favorite time of the year.  I love the decorations and giving spirit.  It’s always the thought that counts and I get a high from finding/making/discovering the perfect gift. I've started checking off my list, have you? 

    

I did receive my first Christmas gift!  I have been instructed to wait until Christmas morning to open it and then I’ll receive a call with more details.  This only escalated my curiosity.  What details are required?  I think this is my Mom’s gift to herself – my slow torture.