Still here?
Great! This will be
an honest writing of how I am feeling right now. Not the public face I put out to the world
but the additional truth behind it. Not that I’m
fake or deceptive but I don’t want to spill all the stress I am dealing with
all over. Who does? People have enough of their
own stuff when they have a few minutes to get online, they want to see things
that inspire, motivate, make them smile and feel all warm and fuzzy. At least that’s what I am usually looking to
find. Everything I put out there is a side of me but remember what you see on social media is only what people choose for you to see.
So! You are still
here… Last chance to click away and go
find a happy place. I can refer a few if
you need it.
My life is spinning right now. I am under a shit ton (that’s a legit form of
measurement) of stress and I’m working hard to stay on top of it. I’m not going to go into a lot of details but
more on how they affect me. My mantra this
week is “Bending. Not Breaking” If I can continue to bend I’ll come back
stronger and better than ever. That’s my
goal and when I’m determined I can make anything happen.
I am lucky to have a few close friends that are always
there. They know that I pull away and
try to hide when I’m feeling overwhelmed and fighting my battles. They are respectful but also tell me to knock
my shit off and that they need me too.
They are the ones that on a spare of the moment make time to drag me out
for a drink. The ones when they ask if I’m ok, knowing I'm not, drop everything to listen when I say no. They may not know the right words but know
just being there is enough. The ones
that make me laugh and build up my self-esteem when I’m hitting bottom. The ones that still love me when I am
depressed, lost and completely self-consumed.
The ones that send me funny texts just to remind me that I can always laugh. They’re life-long and I’m
lucky.
I’ve battled depression a large part of my life. That’s not what this is. Yes, I am feeling down and struggling but it’s
different than all those years where life was bleak and I had to fight the fog
and struggled to function. This is me
dealing with more than I am sure my shoulders can handle but they are
circumstance and results of choices I have made. Some were choices I actually thought through
and brought to fruition and some are from avoidance. Either
way I was a participant. I am not a
victim and I will never play that role.
I am an active participant in my life and I will own my
responsibilities.
I’m also dealing with living so far away from my
family. A few years ago a very close
family member faced some serious health issues.
It was devastating to me to be so far away and completely helpless. There was hardly anything I could do from
here and all I could do was make contact on a consistent basis and hope I could
make some small difference. That person
recently had another health issue and it killed me to not be able to drop
everything and run to their side. Plus,
they needed some sense knocked into them.
Some people are just too stubborn for their own good. I can say that because I’m one of them.
Bottom line is I’m struggling but I’m going to be okay. You always find what you are looking for and
what you put out to the universe comes back. Overall, I am a happy person and I choose to
focus on the positive. I choose to smile and find the fun in each day. Sometimes I just
have to take a moment and realize I’m struggling and that ignoring it doesn’t
make it go away. Ignoring it also stifles my creativity and I can't be having that his month, now can I?
Remember, life is a journey filled with peaks and
valleys. You have to learn to enjoy the
ride and use what’s thrown at you as fuel.
