Duck

Living this crazy life of mine, I sometimes feel like all I’m doing is dodging bullets. It seems the universe is throwing one thing after another at me. It might be something as simple as having one more birthday party or function sprung on me. Maybe an appointment the hubs forgot to mention. A night where we both have a commitment and forgot to put it on the schedule and now need a sitter, last minute. Or maybe it’s just that I forgot to take anything out of the freezer to cook for dinner. (Totally the universe’s fault.) I’m sure most of you can relate.

I’m not sure when I became so dependant on technology but in this busy life it’s a necessity. I have a calendar through outlook that syncs with my phone. Usually. When it doesn’t is when I have an issue. If I accidentally enter something in my phone on the wrong calendar and it never appears in Outlook, I have big issues. Luckily, this doesn’t happen often. It’s a two way street though. EVERYTHING MUST BE ON BOTH and must have reminders. My husband and I are constantly sending each other invites to events so it ends up on both of our calendars. This seems to work well. I even color code them based off whose involvement is needed. This is the only place I am organized. I try in other areas but it doesn’t last long.

I’ve heard that no once can excel in everything. You can pick three out of four areas but something will have to give. In my case it’s keeping my house clean. Now, my house isn’t a complete disaster but it could use some work. I just choose to work on other areas of my life. I don’t think I will look back on my death bed and wish I’d kept my house cleaner. I really don’t. I don’t even think I’ll wake up on Sunday morning wishing I kept my house cleaner. That is unless there is a surprise visit from my Grandma. (really what are the odds, she lives 1700 miles away) Other than that, I’m good. I might wake up thankful it’s clean, should someone stop by and make that happen…just sayin.

How dependant are you on technology?

What is your favorite electronic? Mine is my cell phone. I use it for everything except making calls.

Catching My Breath

I heard this song for the first time yesterday. Ok, it's probably not the first time after all it was on my ipod. But it was the first time I actually HEARD this song. Timing is everything.

I wasn't sad but I was having a frustrating day and this song struck a chord.
So here it is "Catch My Breath" By Kelly Clarkson. Click on the title to go to the YouTube link and watch the video. Don't be afraid to sing along.



Catch My Breath

I don't wanna be left behind
Distance was a friend of mine
Catching breath in a web of lies
I've spent most of my life
Riding waves, playing acrobat
Shadowboxing the other half
Learning how to react
I've spent most of my time

Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down,
It's all so simple now

Addicted to the love I found
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud

Making time for the ones that count

I'll spend the rest of my time
Laughing hard with the windows down
Leaving footprints all over town
Keeping faith, karma comes around
I will spend the rest of my life

Catching my breath, letting it go,

Turning my cheek for the sake of the show

Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down,
It's all so simple now

You helped me see
The beauty in everything

Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down,
It's all so simple now
It's all so simple now

Catching my breath, letting it go,

Turning my cheek for the sake of the show

Now that you know, this is my life,

I won't be told what's supposed to be right

(Catch my breath)

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,

I ain't got time for that

(Catch my breath)

Catch my breath (catch my breath), won't let them get me down,

It's all so simple now

Forever Changed

I’ve been wanting to write this for awhile but haven’t been able to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard as the case may be.

I’ve written about my last two miscarriages but in a different way. I’ve written more from the perspective of how I felt in the moment, the physical pain and the shock I was experiencing. Today, I’m going to write about my journey through infertility, loss and coping with the cards I’ve been dealt.

I never imagined I would have difficulty getting pregnant. I was more concerned about getting pregnant before I was ready. I also never thought having a miscarriage was possible. That’s not exactly a fair statement. I never even gave infertility or miscarrying consideration. It wasn’t something on my radar at all. Perhaps it should’ve been given some family history, but it wasn’t. I was living blissfully in the land of I’ll start a family when I’m ready and I’ll have two kids. Husband wants 4 but I want 2. He'll have to figure out how to give birth to the other 2 himself.

Now I’ve had three miscarriages. Three. Four pregnancies and three miscarriages. I’ve been told I cannot have more children. Well, actually, I can have more children but it would be a huge health risk and it could cause irreparable issues. How’s that for shitty? I do have the option of doing more costly fertility treatments. Actually having the egg fertilized in a petri dish and then planting it in my uterus. Sounds romantic, doesn't it? Even with that, there is a very slim chance my body would actually accept the egg and carry to term.

I’m often asked when we will have more children or some variation of that. It’s an innocent question and typical for society. The other day was the first time I answered with “We can’t.” I felt a little bad for the person asking as I could tell she felt bad and apologized. For me it was a stepping stone. I was finally able to verbally admit that I can’t. Failure is something hard for me. It’s easy to say this isn’t failure. There’s a gazillion reasons why you would be right. But for me it is failure. My body won’t do what I want it to. It doesn't matter what pills, exercise, food, wishing or demanding I do, my body just will not cooperate.

It's difficult when my son asks why he can't have a little brother or sister. He's so good with younger kids and he's asked for a sibling since he could talk. He's so loving and helpful and they all look up to him. How do you explain to a 10 year old that it just can't happen, that I'm truly sorry and it breaks my heart each time you ask. You can't. I have to recognize his feelings and try to put it in 10 year old terms that it's just not something Mommy can do and that adoption isn't something I'm ready for.

I never wanted him to be an only child. I am an only child and I long for the connection I see between siblings. It is truly something special. I didn't want him to ever have to navigate life alone. His Dad and I will not always be here. Hopefully it is many, many years before we leave him but someday we will.

When my husband first wanted to try infertility treatments, I fought him on it. I always believed that if we were meant to have more kids it would happen. That God would make it happen. We had many conversations on why we should do it and I listened to his many reasons and I agreed. Though I agreed, I still believed that when the time was right it would just happen. After many tears and devastating months of negative tests, I finally agreed to give it a try. It was not easy, it was a commitment, it was uncomfortable and my body still wasn't cooperating. It didn't produce enough even with the drugs and neither treatment resulted in a positive result. I was continually reminded of my inabilities.

It's so hard to let myself and my partner down month after month. It's devastating to read a negative result on a pregnancy test month after month for years. It got to where I didn't even want to have sex because if I wasn't, there was no possibility of getting pregnant which meant I couldn't let myself or my partner down. I do not recommend this way of thinking.

After my first miscarriage I was destroyed. I chose not to lean on anyone and only told those that knew I was pregnant. I didn't share much with friends and didn't talk about my feelings. I tried to grieve alone. I now see that as a mistake. I should have let someone be there for me. I should have let them hold me up because I could not hold myself. I was broken. I buried my feeling and pulled myself up by my bootstraps and tried to not think about it. I got very depressed but kept stuffing it down. Eventually I stuffed it far enough down that it wasn't constantly there yelling at me. It still affected me by leading to depression and other issues but it wasn't in my face anymore. It was behind the scenes pulling the strings.

It wasn't until my second miscarriage that I realized how much the first had affected me. By this time I had a couple of friends I told and tried to lean on. Neither of them had been through one and couldn't relate. They tried to be there for me but didn't know how. Who does? I've been through it and I still don't know what to say or do except to admit it sucks and it hurts and you will get through it. You'll never be the same but you will survive.

After each time, I didn't know how I would have the strength to try again. Not that we were actively trying to prevent pregnancy but in my mind we weren't trying to get pregnant either. I had no emotional strength left. I couldn't keep doing this. At some point I gave up. I don't know when exactly it was but it happened. I fell into an acceptance that this was my life and I could be ok with it. I write more about this and my ectopic pregnancy here.

I still get emails from a site I joined when I was pregnant with my son. I updated it when I was pregnant the second time and the third time. It kindly sends me updates on my child's birthday and information on their developmental stage. I'd go and delete my information from the site but I just can't bring myself to go to it. So, I just delete the emails, take a moment to reflect on my experiences and move on.

I still get a pain in my heart when I see a pregnant woman, a friend greets me with her exciting news or a small child is near. I recognize it but don't dwell on it. It doesn't mean I am any less happy for them it just means it affects me on multiple levels. I'm still healing from my three losses and I am forever changed. I'm stronger, smarter, braver and so much more than I ever believed I could be. I'll forever hold those three babies in my heart. I will never have a daughter to plan a wedding with, get a pedicure, and discuss her first love. What I do have is a son that lights up my world, gives the best hugs, whose laugh is contagious and is too smart for his (and my) own good.

So to you reading this, that either is or knows someone going through this type of loss. I urge you to let them know you are there. Make them a meal, take them a coffee or cookies or anything. Be an ear or a shoulder or just a person that is there. Hand them a Kleenex and make them feel comfortable being a crying mess. They may not feel like talking or even having anyone around but knowing you are willing is huge. You don't have to have "the right words" just be present. Be that person that says This sucks and I'm here for you.

Time to Walk not Run

Needing some alone time and given that it was such a beautiful day, I decided to go for a walk yesteday. I escaped from work a little early, slipped into my workout gear, grabbed my earphones and drove off into the sun. I only had about 20-30 minutes but figured that was enough to clear my head a little. Boy was I right!

I run this path on occasion but decided today was just going to be about walking, breathing in the fresh air, soaking up the sunshine and clearing the cobwebs of craziness in my brain. I didn’t really expect it to be a learning opportunity.

What did I learn? Glad you asked. I learned that running is an amazing outlet for me. It has helped me solve many of my life problems. I also learned that slowing down and taking a moment is difficult for me. Ok Ok, I already knew those. What I didn’t expect was that I would literally have to fight the urge to run. Thank God I was wearing the wrong shoes or running may have won. Anyway, this got me to wondering why. So with a little reflecting (I’m becoming quite good at this) I realized that when running, my focus is my body; controlling my breathing, proper stance, foot strike, etc. The mind is secondary. Those great solutions and ideas seep in, they aren’t the focus. It’s a different way of listening to myself.

When walking, I only had my thoughts to focus on. I could feel the pressure in my chest that I get when forcing myself to deal with sh…stuff. Every part of me wanted to fight the thoughts, pretend they weren’t there and that all was just as beautiful as my surroundings. I am quite good at pretending but I’m trying to stop wearing a mask. So, I pushed myself through it and returned to my car with a sense of relief. Relief that I made some decisions and that no one heard me singing. At least, I don’t think they did. I didn’t see anyone running away covering their ears.

Now that it stays light later and it is warmer, I will be adding more walking into my routine. I’m lucky to live where I do and I need to enjoy it more. It is another glorious day out there. I can hear the ocean and sun calling my name…

Do Over

Oh running how I loath like love you. You’ve been a great companion for the last few years. I’ve used you to increase my self-esteem, lose weight, therapy, escape and getting to know myself. I’m sad that the last few months I haven’t wanted you. I seem to have lost all interest. I’ve gone down a short list of reasons and nixed them all.  They were all just excuses.  Finally, yesterday, I realized what happened. I took the joy out of our relationship.

I started focusing so much on trying to be better and faster that I lost site of why I was running. 

Yes, I am competitive. Yes, it is fun to challenge myself. Yes, it is nice to measure improvement. Yes it is empowering to see results.  All of these are great but not when they become the only things.  I lost sight of the main goal - spending time with myself.

I had reached a point where I would feel guilty if I didn't run faster or improve in some way.  I constantly wanted to PR and would beat myself up if I didn't have some kind of measurable improvement.  Being able to say "that felt great" was no longer enough.  I would battle myself everyday and feel guilty if I skipped a run.  I turned our special time into a chore.  Lost were the days where you made everything better.  I know the exact moment I gave up on you.  It had been coming for awhile but I was blind to see it.  I was in the middle of a half marathon and I almost stopped.  I asked mysefl "Why am I doing this?  I'm not even enjoying it.  This isn't fun." I wanted to walk off the course and go back to my hotel room.  I ended up finishing the race out of sheer will.  I was miserable mentally, in pain and felt sick.  I've only ran one time since that day.  I set myself up to fail and didn't even realize it.  Understanding how I got there was the biggest battle.  Now I can come back and be committed to you again.

Soon I will be back out there enjoying the breeze on my face, the music in my ears, the beat of my heart, and clarity of my thinking. I will leave the pressure behind and just go have fun.  A good run always makes me feel so alive, as if each drop of sweat is cleansing my soul.

 

Dear Universe

I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. I feel like I’ve become one of THOSE people. You know, those people that seem to have drama haunting them. It's as if it is chasing me down and beating me over the head. I’m constantly dealing with outside negativity and feeling the need to defend myself. Frankly, it’s exhausting and I’m over it. I do not want drama in my life and if you honestly believe my intentions are anything other than positive, you don’t know me and I don't need you.

So to the universe, I say this...
I will go about daily activities happy, healthy, laughing and with great friends
I will have more social interaction with people and I do not mean through social media
I will spend less time on social media
I will focus on the positive
I will face my insecurities and continue to step out of my comfort zone
I will see the internal and physical changes I desire
I will spend more quality time with the people I enjoy and are important to me
I will nurture those friendships
I will laugh more
I will let go of the dead weight and those that bring negativity into my life
I will do something creative every day
I will accept my true self.

A Reason or a Season

I’ve never been a person that did things with expectation of a return favor or huge thanks. I’ve always done things out of the kindness of my heart. I see a need and I want to help. I don’t need credit or recognition for it. I actually despise being the center of attention. I don’t have a running tally in my head saying there’s one more point for me! The act of filling a need is enough for me. It’s what warms my heart and makes me feel good about me.

With that said, I do believe friendship is a two-way street. I’m currently struggling with, have been for a couple of years, a dissolving friendship. I have (had?) a friend that went through a rough time, and still is. I believe part of it is brought on by her choices made long ago. Her actions set things in motion that she never could have expected. Had she realized, I know she would’ve made different decisions. For a long time, I was there by her side, trying to help her piece things back together. I listened, tried to build her up, put a roof over her head, fed her (food and drinks) and tried to give and be whatever she needed at the time. Nothing spectacular just the things I envision any good friend would do. We were the best of friends and in my eyes that’s what they do.

Then came a difficult time in my life. I found her pulling away from me and unwilling or unable to be there for me. There were no calls, texts, questions on how things were going. Not even a Facebook message to let me know she was thinking of me. There was barely a reaction when I first told her what was going on, no questions on specifics or if I needed anything. I felt like my life was falling apart and there was nothing I could do control what was happening. My expectation of her was a shoulder, someone to be strong for me and listen while I cried and wrapped my mind around what my family was facing and how I was helpless to assist. I didn’t think that was too much to ask of a friend. But what did I get? Nothing. Zilch. Zero. Everything stopped. Not only was I left alone to navigate through things but I was also being replaced. She suddenly had a new person she leaned on and stopped initiating all communication with me.

Every once in a while I would see something that would make me want to check in with her. I’d send a quick text asking how things were and if she needed anything I was there and I hoped things were improving, etc. I got very little in return. I eventually quit trying.

I grew to accept it and realized not everyone is the same; not everyone thinks of friendship like I do. That people have different abilities even when it comes to what type of friendship they offer. That she most likely gave me all that she was capable and that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. I have a lot of fond memories of fun times with her. When I look back at our friendship, I hope I will one day only remember the good things and the rest will drift away. She taught me important lessons and for that I am grateful. I wish her nothing but the best and hope she finds the relief and happiness of which she is in constant search.