Registered!

I did it.  I registered for another half marathon.  This time it’s a trail run.  I have 6 months to train for it. 

I took a couple days to decide if I was willing to do it.  Honestly, I’m terrified. 

The timing for it appearing in my life was perfect.  I was thinking that morning how I need to have more goals in my life.  That I’ve gotten caught up in routine and don’t set goals.  I always had goals when I was running.  How could I set goals again without them becoming overwhelming?  Then a friend posted about this race and asked who wanted to do it.  I looked at it thought it sounded fun, it’s fairly close to home and is the most reasonably priced half marathon I have ever run.  Then I realized the date conflicted with another event I had committed to.  The other event was not confirmed so I shot off a quick message asking if it was still happening.  Surprise! It’s not.  I could not help but wonder if all of these were signs that I was supposed to do this run. 

So I thought about it for awhile.  Came up with many excuses and finally just decided I needed to do it. 

Now I’m putting it out there so everyone can hold me accountable.  I am going to do this and I am going to train for it.  I’m not going to just wing it.  I am going to find my love for running again.  I’m not going to put pressure on myself to finish in a certain time but I am going to try my hardest and do my best.  If I’m well prepared then it should be easy to give 100%, whatever that looks like. 

Thank you all for being here with me through this and for holding me accountable.   I can’t wait to make us both proud. 

Today

I just finished my second attempt at Daily Notes or something like that.  I really think it should be called Dear Diary.   A friend recommended it to me months ago and in typical Amber fashion, I blew it off.  Sigh.  Basically what you do is set aside some time and just write.  Write whatever is on your mind but do it with an actual pen and paper.  Do you remember what those are?  Today I realized it’s a purging exercise so you can tap into your creativity.  Yep, I’m a quick one.   

I did this exercise for about 20 minutes.  It was actually 16 but I like to round up unless it’s my weight.  I dumped a lot in this notebook of mine.  Cleared out some cobwebs and I feel lighter.  Go figure.  It works. 

I am going to do my best to keep doing this.  I’m not sure I can actually commit to doing it daily but certainly a few times a week.  Part of my motivation is that I like going back and reading old diary entries.  I forget so much that it always amazes me when I sneak peeks back at my life.  Another part is it actually allows me to write.   Purging is a good thing.  I picture myself standing with my arms and legs spread, empty and allowing creativity to fill me.  I turn a golden Amber color as I fill, if that helps to complete the picture for you.

Today is shaping up to be a great day.  I woke up early and have been snuggled up on the sofa in my favorite blanket, enjoying a cup of coffee and staring at my amazing view.  I have several people coming over later and I should probably be cleaning.  Every time I start to think that I remind myself that I’m not going to remember how dirty or clean my house is today.  What I am going to remember is the moments I steal for myself to just enjoy and be in the present.  I’ll also remember the great time I have with these ladies and if the condition of my house really bothers them, then that is their problem.  I live in the middle of fields and it’s dusty.  It doesn’t matter if I dust non-stop there will still be dust.   Of course about an hour before they arrive I will most likely start a mad dash to do everything I decided wasn't important this morning. 

This leads me to thinking about the last time I really, really pushed a personal boundary for myself. (having people over when my house isn't clean is a boundary)  Early this year I was invited to a birthday party for a woman I barely knew.  Her husband and mine were friends and we’d met a time or two.   I was invited to her party and almost turned down the offer.  My husband was going to be out of town and I would be attending alone.  Walking into a party where I didn’t really know anyone was a terrifying thought to me.  It pushed so many boundaries, I can’t even begin to describe all I was feeling.  I summoned all of my courage and forced myself to go.  After all, the last two years have been about me facing fears and overcoming them.  You know what happened?  I had a blast and laughed harder than I had in a long time.  Now she is one of my best friends.  It’s crazy how life works. 

So go face a fear, do something for yourself and have an amazing day.    

Chugging Along

I have been going through something.  I don’t know what it is but it’s been rough.  It’s not depression.  I know depression and what it looks like for me.  In a way, this is worse.  It’s worse because I don’t understand it.  I feel like a lost puppy. 

Lots and lots of things have been going on.  I have learned what real friendship looks like in my life, in the moment where I currently reside.  I have learned that people are really good at hiding their crazy.  Insanely good.  It baffles me yet I do the same thing right along side them.  I have learned that burying shit does not make it go away (I have learned and forgotten this many times).  It will rear its ugly head at the worst, most inconvenient times. 

I’m currently disappointed in myself.  I started a journey 6 months ago with a 6 month deadline and I have failed to accomplish it.  In fact, I have barely begun.  I know I would tell someone else "it is fine, you can start today" or "tomorrow is another day" or some uplifting phrase and I’d hope they took it to heart.  Not gonna work on me though.  I have lots of reasons why I have not accomplished my goal.  Many of them are even good reasons.  Yet it does not change that I have failed so far.  I will eventually accomplish this goal, this I know.   

The thing that is most tricky about this new journey is I want it. I want it so bad I can taste it. I dream about it, I know I can do it.  I’m just not.  I need to get out of my own way. 

My tendancy when I am struggling is to avoid everyone and everything.  I pull back and shut myself off.  I'm am trying my hardest not to do this.  I'm forcing myself to keep my routine and accept offers as they arise.  I can feel the battle within and it's exhausting.   Right now I'm waiting out the storm and trying not to hide under the covers (literally and figuratively). 

I keep thinking if I can just escape for a few days and get away from everything I will be able to sort out all the randomness in my head.  If I can just get away from social media, phones, tv, etc then I'll have no distractions aka no excuses.  I don't want to do that though.  That's my old way of thinking and I'm not that person anymore.  I also don't have the ability to do that.  I do need to clear my head and align my thoughts but I need new, healthy ways of accomplishing this.  Perhaps I should go for a run.  Even that seems overwhelming to me right now.  You can read a few posts back to understand why that gives me a little anxiety.  The last thing I need right now is something else to knock me down a peg.  Then again, it could be a great experience.  I'm just not ready to face it if it isn't. 

I know my last several posts have been on the negative side but this is where I am right now.  I don't believe I am a negative person, in general, but right now I am going through something.  I hope it is growing me as a person and that I will come out of it better than ever.  I want to relate this to exercise and how it takes work.  You have to push yourself, have faith, and accomplish small goals then one day you realize you're there.  Then you start over again with new goals.  I often refer to this as making my ceilings floors.

Growing is painful but worth it.   

Letter to a Friend

To my sweet friend about to start fertility treatments,

I’m sorry I cried when you told me.  I’m sorry I couldn’t be the friend you deserved in that moment.  Your words were the exact thoughts I’d had so many times.  It hit unexpectedly hard.  The tears a surprise.  I am truly excited for you even if I poorly expressed it.  I think this is wonderful news and honestly hope the best for you.  I want to share in your experience and I hope you continue to talk with me.  I can’t promise I won’t cry and I can’t promise I’ll always be able to participate but I want to try to be there.

The journey you are about to embark on is a rough one.  At least it was for me.  It seems you have done your research and are being very logical in your plan.  I hope you are also prepared for the emotional side.  Having been down this road, I hope I can be an ear for you and offer hugs and strength when needed.  I can answer some questions and share my experience and all I learned.  It just may have to be over a margarita and through a tear streaked face.    

I hope you don’t feel you have to downplay or hide your happiness from me.  I do not want that.  I want to share in the joys and be a shoulder should things not go perfectly along the way.  I look forward to holding your little one(s) and getting the baby fix for which I so often long. I look forward to being present and involved.

Thank you for your understanding.  Thank you for your friendship. 

Love,

Me

A piece of history

I’ve been thinking about starting to journal.  I have done this a lot though out my life and always love going back and reading the entries.  It always amazes me how much I forget.  I like the little peek at what once was.  Blogging is a lot like journaling but I don’t think I want to put everything in a public blog. 

I’ve only ever filled one journal from front to back.   I was 16 and gave it to my fiancé as a gift.  Yes, I was engaged at 16 and yes I gave him access to my most private thoughts.   I’m not sure which is more surprising to me – that I was engaged or that I shared that with him.   Sharing on that level has always been a fear of mine.

We started going out (is that still the correct term?) the day after I turned 15.  He was my first love.  I randomly met him when he was a passenger in my friend’s car.  The day after my birthday he called me and told me that he and his girlfriend had broken up.  We started a relationship immediately. 

My teens were tough years.  My relationship with my Mother was strained.  This is common with Mothers and daughters but ours was more than just the normal conflict.  I won’t go into the details of her story.  I will say, as an adult, I see her struggles differently.  I have more understanding and compassion.  She was doing the best she could.   

When I was 16, my mom and I had a huge argument and she said things that hurt me to my core.  I’m sure I did the same to her.  I walked out of our apartment and went to the only place I knew – my boyfriend’s house.  I was lucky that they allowed me to stay there for a week or two.  I’ll never forget the love I felt from his parents.  I typically spent every waking moment at his house but this time was different.  They basically allowed me to move in, sleep on their couch and offered advice on how to handle the shit storm I was navigating.  I’ll never forget the conversation I had with his Dad on my last night there.  I don’t believe he wanted me to go back home.  He told me I was always welcome at their home and I could stay as long as I wanted.  He told me going back to my mom’s was not my only option and that all that happened wasn’t something I just had to accept.  I never had to accept that type of treatment.  Those are not his exact words but the gist.  I also never forget how that felt.  Knowing someone cared that much still makes me tear up as I write this.  

I doubt they realize what a difference they made in my life.   I was a lost, angry and confused girl and they offered me stability.  They showed me love when I felt unloved.  They offered guidance when I felt abandoned.  They gave me a gift of knowing that circumstances do not define a person.   I loved them like parents.  I still do.  They are amazing people that played an important role in my life.  For them I will be forever grateful.  It’s not often you meet people that impact your life like they did mine.  Hopefully, someday they will read this and know what a difference they made. 

Writing

I’ve been sitting her trying to write for hours.  I haven’t been able to do it.  I’ve started.  Stopped.  Checked Facebook.  Written a paragraph.  Checked Instagram.  Changed topics.  Sent some texts and sat staring at the cursor while it mocked me.   I need to write.  I keep saying this.  I keep trying but I just can’t sort my thoughts enough to put something together.  I have 2 pages worth of paragraphs I’ve started - half thoughts that may never be complete.  Oddly, this is a representation of how my life is right now.  It’s scattered, I’m scattered.  I have a routine that I follow because it’s... routine and goals I want to achieve.  The crazy part is that I’m not working toward those goals.  I am standing in my own way while day dreaming of how things will be when I achieve them.  Yet I get caught up in the minutia of the day and end with promising myself tomorrow I will make progress. 

So here I sit once again stifling myself.  I’ve been trying to determine why and I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting.  So far I’ve come up with a lot of excuses.  Sure, they are legit excuses but they are still excuses.  This seems to be how my brain works.  I struggle through trying to figure things out and then one day the fog clears and I just know.  Often running or writing is what helps me though the fog.  As I’ve shared I haven’t been doing much of either.  Where do you turn when the things you’ve depended on are no longer there?  I recently tried a writing technique where I took some time and wrote whatever popped in my head.  I was told to even write blah bah blah if that was all I had.  I tried it.  I wrote a lot.  There were no blahs included.  Maybe someday I’ll share that randomness. 

My question of all you bloggers out there is how do you do it?  How do you provide information and entertainment to us consistently?   Most blogs I follow are well put together.  I don’t read of struggles with writing.  Are you not sharing that part of your life or is it not an issue for you?  I've been told that some prewrite when they can so they have back-ups.  Is this common? 

All my life I have enjoyed writing.  I used to write short stories as a child and poetry as a pre-teen and teen.  It was a great outlet for me but I was motivated by emotion.  It seems I’ve taught myself to rely on strong emotions to move my pen across the paper or my fingers across the keys.  I’m not sure how to break that cycle. 

As I’ve sat here writing I’m realizing (told you writing helps) that part of my issue is believing in myself and creating this for me.  I need it to not matter if it makes a difference in someone’s life.  It doesn’t matter if they gain something from it.  The problem with that is that I want it to help someone.  I want people to connect with my story.  I want them to know they are not alone.  Yet, I need to figure out how to let it just be for me with the rest as a bonus if it happens.  For a long time I wrote and didn’t share my blog with anyone.  I always hoped that when I did open it up that it would touch people.  I think part of my fear was that it wouldn’t.  I worried that people would be critical, not relate or worse find me ridiculous or unworthy.  I often question what do I have to share with the world that isn’t already out there?  Why do I think I’m so important that others will too?   What sets me apart?  What I need to really believe is that it’s important to me and that’s what matters.  

I’ve also realized I need to let go of the concern that I will hurt or offend someone by sharing my story.  This is my life.  This is my story.  I’m not responsible for the role you choose to play in it.  I may share interactions I have, conversations, joys and hurts.  If you find yourself in the pages of my blog then I hope you realize that you have affected my life.  I will not apologize for what I write.  Consider yourself warned.   I will change names to protect the (not so) innocent if needed. 

Now that I’ve got all of that out of the way, I hope my creative juices will start to flow and I can get back to what I love – grammar issues and all.